Worship... with other people.

So today, I got to go back to my church -- a place I really, really love.
And not just because I work there! :) 
This place reminds me that while there are parts of life that are meant to be lived "out there" somewhere, and there are quiet, intimate parts of the journey that I must do all by myself with the Father, 
there are just things that MUST be done in Community! 
To sit next to people you love (even if you don't know them well yet) while you sing, pray, learn, and give is an extraordinary opportunity.  One that I haven't experienced for too many weeks and so today, so grateful to get to be there once again.  If you went to Church this weekend -- I hope it was a great time of gathering and sensing God's goodness.

Tomorrow WE GO TO THE DOCTOR, finally!  Hopefully, no all-night surgery for Dr. Y and we'll make it at the right day and time!  When you think about it, it's an amazing thing for so much of your life to be so deeply connected to someone you don't know really well -- but who you have literally entrusted your life to.  Again, grateful that we have Dr. Y to work with. 

In some crazy turn of events, it's almost Thanksgiving!  And so, in honor of getting my heart and head ready for that holiday -- I'm reminded that's it's good to put words to what I'm Thankful for.
1. A God who believed enough in my potential to make the ultimate sacrifice on my behalf.
2. A family who makes Home, home -- a great place to be for recovery and regrouping (whether you've had surgery or not).
3. A husband who has consistently made good on a nearly 25 year old promise to love & protect me in sickness and in health.
4. A community of people who show me every day what it means to love unselfishly.
5. A big old tumor in my pancreas that was not cancer!

OK, probably more to be thankful for -- but we do have a few days until Turkey-day!!
Hope you have a great Monday!
And don't wait until next weekend to worship!!

More than grateful,
Suze

Never really alone.

So, yesterday marked the 5 week date on the calendar since the surgery.
Unbelievable -- what my body has been through in the past weeks and yet, every day I feel like I get closer to being "back".  This week has had some great days and a couple not so great ones - but as Kelly reminds me, that's progress!  So, we keep moving forward.  Still haven't seen the Doc -- we messed up on Monday, and then got there Wed. for our appt. and they had canceled all his appointments as he had been in surgery all night.  Uugh.  Frustrating, but we go Monday first thing and hopefully will get some good feedback and guidance for what's next.
This week as also been my first week alone at home.  Kelly is back at work and his folks went home to Oklahoma, kids at school (mostly), and I'm on my own.  Mostly, it's a good thing.  My folks are close by if I need anything and friends pop in or call for a visit, and I'm grateful for that.  But I do really enjoy setting the pace for the day (can anyone say nap from 11-1?) and the ongoing challenge of figuring out what to eat -- on my own.   Amazingly, it has taken me until now (5 weeks really?) to be able to or even want to read a book, do some writing, or even watch a movie.  Crazy, but I'm going with it, after all what are my choices?
This morning, I read this...
"O Lord of Grace,
The world is before me this day,
and I am weak and fearful,
but I look to Thee for strength;
If I venture forth alone I stumble and fall,
but on the Beloved's arm I am firm as the eternal hills."

I love this way of looking at life, and not just right now.
My need for God & others is obvious now,
but it's really not much different than any other time of the year,
other than most times you can't see my need because I bury it deep underneath my capacity.
So in these days of waiting for strength to return, stamina to build up, and the good days to outnumber the bad...I'm thinking about not being so good at doing it on my own.
Months from now, I hope I'm still aware of my need and yours too.
And that I'm quick to invite God and maybe even you into the place where I might need a little help.

Grace & peace,
Suze

Calendars and why they matter.

OK, so this post has to start with a confession: I MESSED UP!
Yep, I thought we had a Doctor's appointment first thing this morning (8 a.m.). So everybody was up and outta here by 7:3 (that's a big deal for a family of 5 with 1 bathroom & 3 of those people being teenagers).  Got to the Doc's office and nope -- no appt. for me today -- that "first appt. of the day" slot would be on Wednesday!  OK, so we'll try again then.  But meanwhile, my friend the feeding tube is still with me and my questions about "certain things" are still unanswered.  But overall, it's a minor thing and we'll get our questions answered on Wednesday.
But calendar mess-ups aside: I'm celebrating! I am happy to report 2 great days, IN A ROW.  It's an amazing thing when you're days are kind of iffy, to experience 2 days, back to back, when you feel pretty good.  I am amazed at how good it feels to not feel bad, know what I mean?  But I've long been convinced that you can't rejoice in the LIGHT if you haven't stood in the DARK for awhile and felt utterly and completely lost.  And for sure, you can't celebrate LIFE if you've never experienced DEATH.  So these 2 days -- are like a huge taste of LIGHT and LIFE for me and I'm very grateful.  I fully anticipate some more rough days ahead -- but these days where I'm able to feel the strength returning -- ahhh...now that's joy!
Today I had the honor of meeting Kelly's good friend Cyprien Nkiriyumwami (his last name means "everything I have and everything I am belong to the King", mine just means 4-H) from World Relief Africa (DRC to be specific).  What a joy it was to sit with him and get to know him and then to have him place his hand on my shoulder and pray for my continued healing.  Undone by God's grace again.
I hope whatever your Monday has held (even if you missed an important meeting) you'll hit the pillow tonight aware that tomorrow is a brand new day!
Grateful,
Suze

Sabbath & Dr. Y!

However you're honoring the day today -- I hope there's some rest in there just for you.
As I mostly hold down a chair in our family room, I'm reminded more and more of the value of sabbath rest.  This time where you just unapologetic-ally stop and do mostly nothing, for nothing's sake.  I don't think we're particularly good at it -- especially us Americans -- but that doesn't make it wrong to give it a try!  In fact, it's more than right to give it a go!  Take a moment or 20, a half-day or even a full one and just meander around, doing things that bring you LIFE.  Right now, my sabbath includes short walks, visits with friends & family, sitting, lying down, figuring out what to eat, praying, listening to music, writing, and being HOME. You shouldn't have to have major surgery to get you to stop (sadly, that's what it takes for most of us) and wait...
for life to return,
to hear the voice of the God who made & loves you,
to laugh with your children,
to curl up in the sun and close your eyes for "just a minute". 
Give it a go...it's joy, I promise.

Tomorrow we head back to the Doctor for a check-up.  Hopefully I'll also get the feeding tube (that we haven't used once @home) removed.  This would be amazing and just one more step toward "normal".  Although I think "normal" for us might have changed for good a month or so ago!  We've got some questions for him about the next days/weeks and Suze's "systems" (not everything is playing well with others -- enough said) and other details about what's next!  Once again, we are amazed that this world-class surgeon is right here in Fort Wayne, IN and we were able to get into his docket.  Dr. Y, you're a blessing to us!!

Well, I'm headed back to sabbath...gonna find a snack and a patch of sun to curl up in.
Hope you can do the same today or tomorrow...or even Wednesday!! :)

Suze

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, Back To Work I Go!

Friday - Today marks the end of my first week back in the office.  After the drama of the last several weeks, a week of "normal" felt pretty good.  It was good to see my colleagues again, catching up on all the happenings & connecting with friends. 

I was glad to know how well they functioned (as I knew they would) together, stepping up their leadership in my absence.  They served the FMC body well, loving people, developing ministries & executing with excellence.  It was a blessing to me to see how well they served.  Thank you to FMC's Pastoral Care & Development team of Bill Hickle, Debbie Closson, Keith Reynolds & Laura Harmon.  I am honored to serve with such a high-caliber group of people.  They are a gift to our church!

With my return to work, our family shifted gears yet again, as the full-time nurse & home maker was now going "part-time."  The reality of the kids schedules & mine made it a bit more challenging.  There were a few short-tempers & even a meltdown or two, but overall, we all did very well in making the necessary adjustments. 

This week was challenging for Suze & I in particular as this was the first time we'd been apart from one another for about a month.  I enjoyed being the primary care-giver for her, looking after her needs & being fully present with her.  She also found it comforting & so it was a bit of a transition to have to say goodbye to one another in the morning. 

Tonight, Suze is going to venture out for Mackenzie's play at Blackhawk Middle School.  We've got a comfortable chair lined up for her near the exit so that she can enjoy Mackenzie's performance as "Norma" in a Neil Simon production called "Short & Suite."  One of us will take her home at the intermission & then return for the final curtain call.  We're grateful that Suze is feeling up to going out for Mackenzie's performance, yet another "normal" that is welcome to the Fair family!

Thank you for your continued prayers & all of the practical expressions of support.  We feel very secure in God's hands & you have been a big part of making that a reality!

Amazed by the God Who's Got It,

Kelly

Stay on the trail.

This is one of my all-time favorite  pictures.  I think I snapped it in Arizona on a trip Kelly & I took one Winter.  We were hiking in a National Park and found these trails they were reclaiming, and this was the sign hanging along the trail.
I have felt like it has become the mantra of my life.  There's always some kind of healing taking place -- emotional, physical, relational, spiritual...and the best plan is to just stay on the trail.  Every time I vere off and try to figure out my own path to healing I get stuck, get more messed up, or simply shut down.  So now, in this season of my own physical reclaiming, I'm staying on the trail.  Even when I'd rather be anywhere but sitting in a chair, lying down, or watching others pick up, clean up, and fix up.  But every time I'm tempted to step off the trail, I remember what an absolute privilege is mine to have this time to let the healing take place.  To take one breath in and then let it out.  To listen to music I love, visit with family and friends, read when I can, let others do all the things I can't, and mostly just rest.

This week my sister Dawn headed back to Kansas, my good friend Nance drove in from Chicago, Elsa (& her Mom) came over to play, my "sister" Becky popped over for a visit, the gals from Church came over to clean and the meals keep rolling in!  Wow!!  All good and life-giving.  Kelly's folks are also here from Oklahoma and Grandma is busy in the kitchen while Gramps is running the Fair-family taxi service.  Grateful for all they're doing to keep the homefires burning!!  And then tomorrow night, #3 child has opening night for her play!!  I'm so hopeful that I'll feel up to the big outing -- can't wait to see Mackenzie as "Norma".  I bet you've had a big week too.  I hope as tomorrow rolls around, you're aware that it's been about life and living it to the fullest! 
So much more than grateful,
Suze

Appetites.

You know, I'm learning something about the human self -- you just can't make yourself be hungry for something.  My appetite just isn't the same and many (insert my big sister Dawn's name here) are concerned that I'm not getting enough calories. But listen people, I'm trying.  I watch the FoodNetwork, I try to get inspired by looking at pictures of food, I think about my Mom's best meals (and then call her and ask her to cook), and then I just plain try to eat.  But something is not firing between my head, my mouth, and the new stomach.  So, I've got a few things that are working and I'm sticking with those, maybe eventually just any old thing will sound good -- but until then, 1 egg over easy please!
And as I've been thinking about the whole nutrition thing -- it of course makes me think about my long and complicated journey with food.  For the past several years I've been trying to treat food as fuel - not comfort, companionship, or even entertainment.  Uugh, like I said, complicated.  But this season, this eating for nutrition only thing, it's taking me deeper into my own understanding of all the right & wrong ways I've used food over the years AND all the ways I've tried to force myself to be hungry for something spiritually and that hasn't worked out so well either.  There is a rhythm and pace to appetite.  It comes when it's needed, in the way's that are beneficial for your WHOLE self.  This forcing thing, not such a great plan.  So, when it comes to food and the Bread of Life, I'm learning to dance a whole new dance.  It's an adventure and you know me, I'm always up for one of those!

Katie (R) and good friend Kami.
AKA: The Cloud & the Drip.

On a totally unrelated note (kind of) last night we still had a couple of trick-or-treaters at our house...when exactly do they stop dressing up?  It was fun though!  Aunt Dawn pulled together Kenzie's "Belle" costume and Katie got her "raincloud" groove on.  A huge dose of NORMAL, which was really fun.  We also went through about 1500 pieces of candy just handing out on our street.  My sister (who lives on a farm in Kansas) was in shock!  Gotta love the big city trick-or-treaters!!

Well, I hope your appetite for ALL things is exactly right for you.  That you're experiencing all kinds of growth and uncomplicated-ness when it comes to what you're hungering after. But if you're more like me -- hang in there.  Trust the rhythm.  And when all else fails -- just have a hunk of really good bread!!
More than grateful,
Suze