End of a decade. Really?

Unbelievably, tomorrow is the first day of the last month of this decade?  What?  How did this happening?  Where was I?  What was I doing?  Seems like I was simply living my life and time had the audacity to FLY BY!  Kelly and I were talking yesterday about how 2010 has been quite the year for our whole family and while we wouldn't trade it (OK, maybe we would trade some of it) in for a "better" year -- we won't be so sad to put a period at the end of it and close this chapter of the story. 

Like many of you -- we have been challenged in ways we would have never dreamed about by the circumstances of this past year.  We've had so much joy this year, celebrated with family and friends as they've gotten good news, had babies, gotten married, been healed from disease, gotten the job they were desperate for, seen their children come home, and been delivered from some form of bondage.  We've struggled too, and sometimes it's happened right in the shadow of the joy.  We've said good-bye way too early, been separated from people we love, watched our children suffer, had difficult/painful conversations, experienced relational fractures, felt like God was silent, looked into the face of hunger, isolation, and despair, had some pretty tough conversation with doctors, and laid awake at night wondering about our future.  This, as we keep learning is called LIVING YOUR LIFE.  But the thing that has set this year apart from any other in this decade or the last is that we have experienced all of this -- the joy and the struggle -- and not once lost sight of the Hope that is ours because of the One who has made joy possible and struggle bearable.  For that, we start this month differently than any other Advent season before -- with an awareness of the celebration that's coming...
The arrival of Immanuel -- God with us.

Yesterday we went to the Doctor.  He is pleased with my progress.  Still a little concerned with my lack of weight gain (but I didn't lose so that's good), but mostly he's feeling good about where I am.  He gave me permission to ease back into life -- activities, exercise, and work.  His word of caution: "If it hurts, don't do it", made me laugh.  Reminded me that you can be super educated, have the amazing skill set it requires to do really complicated surgical procedures on folks, and still -- it comes down to the basics.  Another reason I really like this guy. 

Needless to say -- we're feeling really grateful for where we are at this stage.  Still so aware that it's a day to day thing and that without our support system, faith, and each other -- we'd be utterly lost.  Which takes me back to reflecting on the decade.  No matter what has happened in ours or yours -- we're still here.  Still trying to live a life worthy of whatever it is might be God's heart for our existence and tomorrow is another day in THAT adventure!!

Happy December all!
Suze

Right things to do.

Yesterday.
Kelly made a HUGE breakfast for us and then the 5 of us went to a movie (a Thanksgiving break tradition that I thought we might have to forgo this year).  It was a fun afternoon and great to be all together.  Crazy movie based on even crazier best-selling books that for the past 10 years just seemed to keep coming and coming...still fun though!! 

Today.
Rough morning but still able to make it to Fellowship to celebrate with a whole bunch of folks following Jesus into the waters of baptism.  It was an amazing morning with singing, celebration, and being reminded that there has been a whole community of faith-filled folks supporting us on this journey.  Spent the rest of the day just chillin'.  It's difficult sometimes when I'd rather be out and about - going, doing, HUSTLING to the next thing.  But I didn't -- I rested and that ended up being exactly right. 

Tomorrow.
Get the kids off to school and then head to Dr. Y's for an 8 o'clock appt.  We'll see how's he's feeling about my progress, find out if I gained any weight, and get a feel for when I might be returning to work (a word of gratitude here to my boss who has so generously told me, "come back when you're ready, we'll figure it out"). 

Family, Food, Silliness, Worship, Rest, and a Progress Report.
All things that have been, or will be, a part of three days in my life -- some wanted, some not so much -- but all exactly the right thing.  There is a sense of returning to normal in my world and for that, I'm grateful.  I still get caught off guard by how much I'd like to be in charge of the whole thing (how much I'd like to sleep, how good I'd like to feel, and how much energy I wish I had, etc.), but mostly I'm learning to trust my body.  When it says "go", I try to do something.  When it says "stop", I try to do exactly that. 
Difficult lessons for me (control?) but I'm learning, I'm learning!

I trust that no matter what yesterday, today or tomorrow held/hold for you -- you can be aware of the "rightness" in what was happening.  That you had moments of joy and struggle -- because it's in the tension between both these things where we learn to trust, believe, hope, and love just a little bit more.

Grateful,
Suze

Full of Thanks.

For my friends fighting the good fight!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.
But this year, more than any I am so aware that EVERY SINGLE DAY should be Thanksgiving.
I know, I know -- sounds trite, cheesy, naive.
Seriously though, every day could be a day filled with thanksgiving and gratitude -- if we just chose it.
This year there was no traveling for me, so while Kelly's family gathered in OKC & my siblings were with their in-law families in KS & here in Indiana, we had a small gathering, just the 5 of us and my folks, at Mom & Dad's.
It was a great day filled with one of my Mom's beautiful tables settings, too much tastey food, watching football/movies, playing games, and napping.
Ahhh...it was a gift.

Normally, I don't do lists -- they are usually just reminders of things, projects, groceries, meetings I didn't get to.  But in honor of yesterday and already thinking how to best celebrate Advent...

A top 10 Thanksgiving list (in no specific order, except for #10):
1. Creon.  This drug allows me to eat and keep the food in me, long enough to gain some nutrition!
2. Friends.  Folks who have known me either 20+ years or just 2 - have reminded me over and over thru their visits, care, food, and love, that my life has a purpose beyond this current event.
3. Christy Nokels.  This girl can sing and write.  If you haven't listened to her song  "Healing is in Your Hand" - oh baby, you gotta hear it, it will bring perspective to WHATEVER is happening in your life right now! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3p2yqWFlg60
4. My Mom and Dad.  Every child deserves to be loved as outrageously as I am.  The lavishing I have received (which by the way they are more than willing to share with all children/children in-laws/grandchildren/grandchildren-in laws) these past 2 months has resulted in a shelter for me to heal under. Makes me want to love more outrageously than ever.
5. Eggs.  This simple, elegant, basic source of protein -- which I have not eaten for over 10 years -- is now a dietary staple.  Seems like the rewiring that happened internally shook up more than my digestive system.
6. Doctors W & Y.  These 2 men are known as some of the best in the country and they live in FORT WAYNE, IN.  What?
7. Home.  A place to heal, rest, and recover in safety and peace.  This is a privilege not everyone has access to -- such a blessing.
8. Ben/Katie/Mackenzie.  For being willing to ferociously love their Mother -- in 3 very different ways -- and learn how to access what they need from me in new & creative ways.
9. KellyFair.  This man.  There are not words for me to describe my gratitude for how he has cared for me, fought for me, stood beside me, comforted, sheltered, and protected me.  He has chosen to LOVE me in ways I'm sure he never imagined when he promised to love me in "sickness & in health" nearly 25 years ago.
10. God the Healer.  For nearly 4 years now, I have been growing in my understanding that God has been in the "business" of putting back together everything that's broken inside all His children since Chapter 3 in Genesis.  My Thankfulness for this has only been increased for this Truth over the past 4 months.

Well, that's it, the top 10 things I'm Thankful for.
With yesterday behind us and Christmas around the corner I'm reminded that healing continues for all of us.
And for that, we can all be FULL of THANKS.

Still more than grateful,
Suze

Awareness.

Today I was reminded that no matter how rough the day might be -- there is someone, somewhere who is fighting thru something bigger.  Doesn't minimize or diminish my story -- just provides perspective that mine is not the only struggle.  I was on Facebook this morning and found the link to a college friend's blog about her current journey thru Cancer.  Months ago, I remember hearing about her diagnosis -- but as often happens, the struggle seemed far off and distant from my own story.  As I read her words today, starting at her diagnosis 9 months ago up until 2 days ago, I became very aware that her story is my story.  Not just the physical, but her journey toward being a good mom when you don't feel good, figuring out how to stay present with your life and not give into the pain, and finding a deeper intimacy with the Heavenly Father.  This Wife and Mom of 6 has been through it all in the last months and yet her battle continues (so much more intense than mine).  As I prayed for Mary and her family I once again encountered a kind of peace that just can't be explained.  Prayer will do that you know, it will help you see beyond yourself into a place where we stand in front of the the only One who can heal any of us AND where we can see that "it" (any of it) was never really about us anyway (that's what's it doing, no matter what your experience with prayer may or may not be).

The past week has been a day after day journey toward recovery.  What an amazing thing 7 short days can be in a body intent on healing (plus, the right medicine ain't a half bad thing either!).  As we move ever closer to Thanksgiving, I'm reminded that no matter how slow I think it's going -- progress is happening!

I'm THANKFUL for the journey - every last day of the past 4 months but especially the last 7 weeks.
Thanks for going on it with us,
Suze 

5 decades.

Today I had my first big outing as Kelly and I traveled to Anderson, IN to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary of life-long friends of Kelly's (only 27 yrs for me!), HL and Sandy Baker.  

I was a little nervous about being an hour and half away from home, in a setting I wasn't really familiar with -- but these are people who we love and who have loved us so well for all these years and it was really important to both of us to get there.
I'm so grateful to be able to say: Things went GREAT!  We celebrated H & Sandy and also got to see friends we haven't seen for years.  The most powerful moment for me was when H said, to all gathered, that COMMITMENT trumps everything else when it comes to staying married for 5 decades.
Kelly and I talked on the drive home (with me crashed in the reclined seat!)
about how brilliant God is when He brings two people together -- only He knows how her story will affect his life and how his story will powerfully integrate into her entire life as well.  IF they both chose that part of God's brilliance to take hold in their lives.  H & Sandy have experienced that very thing and I'm grateful to say that so have Kelly & I (of course we are only half way to 50!!).  Only God knew how powerfully I would be affected by Kelly's love and real need for community.  He has taught me the importance of having good friends who are deeply involved in our lives.   And it was a generous Father who decided that Kelly would benefit from standing with and deeply loving a woman who would have health challenges (and other kinds too!) almost their whole married life. 

God's knows exactly what He's doing and 

those plans are always so much better than ours.

Whether you're single or married, sick or well, alone or surrounded by others, 

rich or trying to figure out how you're going to make it this month...

you can trust that.

God's got it figured out and that COMMITTMENT does trump everything else.

Still more than grateful,
Suze

Benchmarks.

In the past, when I've been trying to accomplish something -- there have been significant markers that I would know meant I had achieved something that would push me closer to my goal. 
When I was chosing a college -- it was the visit, filling out the application, taking the SAT, making the deposit and showing up that first scarey day.
When I was thinking I maybe, possibly, just might be falling in love with Kelly it was the way my heart felt, how he looked at me, all the time we spent together, and finally just knowing that I knew.
When I have tried to get in shape over the years (oh yes, there have been plenty of tries), it's been about stamina, weight loss, the lungs no longer burning after running 1/2 a mile, no more stitch in the side, and finally...well, mostly just settling for a mile or so!
But this, this goal of recovery seems a little more elusive.  The benchmarks I would usually use aren't working and I'm learning that I have really, very little control over how quickly or slowly this is going to go.  This is not a way of thinking or living that I, or really many people that I know, are used to. 
I find myself asking, "is this about entitlement?".  Do I think I'm owed my health, my ability to keep up, the capacity to work a full day -- making a significant contribution?  I honestly don't know -- I'm thinking about it (trust me, lots of think time) and it makes me curious about the things I have taken for granted, even though I have struggled with my health most of my life.

On Tuesday, a friend from Church, who was also my "surprise" ICU nurse the very first night out of surgery was supposed to come over for a visit.  Tuesday was not a good day.  She didn't come over, but called me instead.  After a brief conversation, she asked if she could pray for me and she said this in her prayer, "and God thank you that Suze has the time and the place to recover in peace and safety".  I have thought about that statement over and over.  What a privileged it is to recover in this way -- in my own home, safe, warm, sheltered, fed, loved.  I'm grateful for so much -- but it will be this awareness of ALL  I have been given in this season, an awareness that God Himself is stirring up in me, that will be the place that gratitude grows from.  I'm talking about the kind of gratitude that changes you -- makes you want to be a part of fixing something that's broken.

I wonder what priviledge is yours that you're just not seeing right now?
Maybe if you can see it, maybe if I can see it, it will be the path that leads us to something more amazing than we could ever imagine, that has nothing to do with anything we think we're entitled to.

Maybe that's the kind of benchmark we should be striving for.
Maybe...
Suze

Dr's appts, Moms, and LOVE.

Yesterday we went to see Dr. Y and it was a good appt. - mostly.
I am finally TUBE FREE after nearly 6 weeks -- and that feels amazing! 
He used the old, "distract her while I pull this very long thing out of her body" technique.
It pretty much worked!
We then talked with him at length about some "systems" issues (not gonna put too fine a point on it here) I continue to have.  He's convinced the Pancreas (what's left of the old girl that is) is not producing enough of the right kinds of enzymes to break down foods.  Uugh.  But, because we live in the times we do -- there is a pill for this.  So now, before every meal, I take a pill which is supposed to aid in this process.  Another reminder that my body has been thru a BIG deal and I've got to give it the time it needs to come back online.  AND (this is a biggie for me friends) there might be some things that just never return to pre-Whipple status. 

I continue to struggle to put weight on and that remains our big concern.  I did not respond to the FULL FAT diet my sister Dawn wanted me on, so now I'm going back to the foods I normally eat and see where we end up.  Put weight on: Such an odd place to be for a middle aged woman in today's culture...not thinking about it too much -- just aware of the curious-ness of it!

My Mom, Mim, with #2 child Katie.

Today was supposed to be a re-group day (after a bit of a rough one yesterday), visit with a friend, do some writing, be at home by moi-self.  But, that plan was not too be.  Woke up feeling rough, missed the middle child's honors breakfast @school, and ended up feeling pretty vulnerable.  So, I called my Mom.  Wow.  I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to say that.  I am very aware that this is a priviledge of mine, this being able to call my folks and know that, if they can, they'll come get me and watch over me for the day.  My Dad built a fire in the fireplace, the dog and I took a nap smack in front of it, and I kind of hovered around the edge of "yuck" for the day.  But I was being sheltered by my parents until Kelly could come and take over and it made it doable.  This, for me on this day, was LOVE.
I hope, whatever ups and downs your day held today -- you too experienced LOVE.  A conversation, a glance, a song, a laugh, a moment...when you knew, that you knew, that you knew that you are chosen.

Still, REALLY, REALLY grateful,
Suze