Progress.

You know, I've spent my fair share of time in my life wishing something wasn't - or was.  Either way, this way of thinking can be dangerous for me.  It keeps me from seeing what's right there...smack in front of my face, which is usually exactly the right thing - for me.
This morning I woke up wishing I was 100%.
That I could go on that campus visit with our oldest, 
that my sister didn't have to come all the way out here (although I know she is glad to do it), that my parents weren't worried, that Kelly wasn't concerned about going to back to work, that...
Well, you get where my mind went.
But the truth is, while I'm making great progress, it's just that - progress. A little bit at a time.
Soon, before we know it, I'm trusting, I'll be back.
But until then, it's one breath in and then one breath out.
Just now, Dawn and I were listening to music, reading, and chatting, and this (one of my all time favorites) came on the radio...


Water you turned into wine.
Opened the eyes of the blind.
There's noone like you, none like you.
Into the darkness you shine.
Out of the ashes we rise, 
There's noone like you, none like you.
Our God is greater, our God is stronger,
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, awesome in power,
Our God, our God.


He's the one who decides what, when, where.
I trust that about Him and so much more.
So, me I'm gonna take my progress as it comes and chose gratitude for it.  
As always, hope you're aware of what you're needing and God's provision of exactly that.
Enjoy the Sunshine!! :)
Suze

Secret Gardens, Special Friends & Silly Songs

Today was a good day, mainly because the antibiotics kicked in!  Suze felt a bit better & that seemed to tip the scale in her favor.  Although it was windy (who would've thought we'd be facing tornadoes in October?) & clear, a beautiful fall blue sky.  And that meant a road trip to the Secret Garden!

Actually, it's not that secret (Foster Park) but it is quite beautiful.  There is a tranquil spot in this park that Suze often goes to clear her head, pray, write, etc.  We took a slow walk & enjoyed the beautiful flowers (yes they're still there).  It was life-giving to Suze to have the sun on her face, the wind in her hair & allow God to speak to her soul through His creation.  I'm amazed at the way God can use nature to bring healing to the mind & spirit.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a worshipper of nature; I'm a worshipper of the One who created it all "In the beginning..."

Later in the day, Suze enjoyed a visit with a dear friend who brightened the living room with laughter & conversation.  I cleared out, doing household chores (laundry just doesn't stop; where does it all come from?) & other stuff.

We actually enjoyed a moment of hilarity when one of our co-workers emailed us (& other FMC staff) a funny song about the pancreas.  It was very Monty Python-Esq, if that tells you anything about it!  We laughed hard & were glad to be in a place physically, emotionally & spiritually to do so.

I guess it was the culmination of all of those things that allowed me to hear from God today.  It was as if He was saying to me, "Lighten up!  Look around you & see what I'm doing.  Don't take yourself (or life) so seriously that you miss a chance to enjoy the warmth of the sun on a park bench, the easy conversation with a good friend or the kind of laughter that makes your belly hurt!  After all, I created all of this with you in mind."

So, tonight as I head upstairs to put out a teenage crisis & plunge the toilet (seriously),  I end with this reminder, spoken by Jesus Himself, about you & about me found in John 10:10.  Read it more than once; try substituting your own name for the word "they"; say it aloud as if He is speaking personally to you.  And when you do, may you experience God's shalom:

"The thief comes only to steal & kill & destroy; I have come that [YOUR NAME] may have life, & have it to the full."

Feasting.

So today started slow and then slowed down a little from there.
But I'm learning that this is the pace & rhythm of my recovering body.
My mind has quite figured it out yet.
We did head back up North to the Docs and got the "grenade" pulled (yahoo! 1 less tube poking out of me) and then Mom & Dad "suzesat" while Kelly went to the office for the first time since surgery.
We also found out at the Doc that I have an infection (kind of common one from all the stuff done to me) that was diagnosed in the hospital but untreated.  Sooo....I started on an antibiotic and am hoping to feel better in a day or so.  The common thinking is that this untreated "pest" is why I've been having so many low-energy days in a row.  Oh the body...it wants to heal itself, sometimes it just needs a little help.

Today though really, has been a day of surprises -- nothing earth-shattering, just two more indicators of the God who's had this whole thing covered.
Suprise1: Just a few moments ago, I was thinking, hmmm...what will we eat tonight?  The community has been so generous, so we could do leftovers, use one of the gift cards, or just everybody fend for him/herself -- when a couple from FMC pulls up front (MANY miles from their home) and hauls in BAGS of food & homemade soup.  Wow.  Such generosity and right on time.
Suprise2:I opened up my email and found a message from my high school basketball coach, reminding me that he was one of the first ones I asked to "look at this thing on my  neck", all those years ago right before the very first diagnosis.  I have seen him off and on over the years as he has continued to coach and is in the community - but this email was a reminder to me that God has always provided the right people at the right time in my journey -- whether I was a not-so-scrawny freshmen or middle-aged mother of 3.  God has ALWAYS known exactly what I need.  Coach and his wife have signed up to bring us a meal too -- amazing.  He's threatening popcorn -- I hope Judy's cooking!!
I don't know how God surprised you today -- but I bet He did.
And when you see it for what it is -- I bet you'll be feasting just like we are tonight!!
Happy Wednesday All!
Suze

Sunday & Monday - Amazing & Ordinary!

SUNDAY - Yesterday I was able to go to the 8:00am service at church.  I must say it was good to be back with our FMC family.  Singing with the rest of the Body of Christ, seeing good friends & experiencing the power of God's Word (Pastor Dave knocked it out of the park; check out the website at www.fmcfw.org & hear it for yourself!) were good for my soul.

The highlight of the day for me (& later online for Suze) was the "My Journey" video.  Each Sunday, we feature the story of an FMC'er living life in the way of Jesus in the hopes that others will be encouraged & challenged in the process.  Yesterday the journey of James Elkins was featured.  He is a young man who has become very near & dear to our hearts.  We were so blessed by his courage, his heart for Christ & his smile -- when James smiles, his whole face lights up!  I would encourage you to go to the website & watch the video!

MONDAY - Today we had our "two week" appointment (2 weeks & 4 days, but who's counting?) at Dr. Yahanda's office.  Everything is healing well, digestive processes are right where they should be, etc.

Another small victory happened just this afternoon; Dr Yahanda's office called us back this afternoon & gave us the green light for the removal of the drainage tube (technical term is J.P. drain; we call it her "grenade," because that's what it looks like).  This will happen tomorrow morning & will leave only the feeding tube which will be removed in two weeks.  FYI, she's not using the feeding tube as she's able to take in enough calories by mouth, another praise at this point.  However, it has to stay in until the internal healing is further along.

Suze is very dialed into her pacing as she fatigues quickly.  She has short bursts of energy where she feels almost normal but then starts to fade.  She naps frequently & take short walks throughout the day.  Her pain is very minimal & she's not dependent upon the pain meds, only using them when she has to.  We're grateful & amazed by her progress but are now in the part of the recovery where restoration is more slow & incremental.

This week I begin my transition back to work (catching up on what's been happening, attending a few meetings, etc.) & anticipate a more normal work schedule by next week.  Although I am looking forward to it, I must admit that I've really enjoyed being fully present for Suze, night & day.  We are grateful to our family & friends who will be stepping up in this transitional time over the next few weeks.

Thank you for your prayers & support.  We are living in the reality of answered prayer on a daily basis & are continually being filled with awe & wonder at God's goodness!

Body Pillows, English Muffins, and Suffering.

So this morning I woke up after sleeping ALL night (thank you very much and praise God for body pillows) and enjoyed my first "normal" breakfast: English Muffin with Peanut Butter & a cup of Coffee.  Those of you who know me well, know that not being hungry for this for nearly 2 weeks has been a bit disconcerting -- but all is righting itself it seems!! :) 
I also awoke with this thought on my mind: "How would I have done (and continue to do) this all alone?"  First of all, I'm so grateful I haven't had to even think about this once - from folks both near and far praying, friends standing close and helping bear the burden.  Family & friends taking turns "Suzesitting", the kid's friends family's taking care of them, and the food...oh the food.  And then, there has been - Kelly Fair (what love he has shown me).  In all this, not once have I had to worry about how to navigate, where to go, or what's coming next. 

Part of the "crew" who waited it out on surgery day with Kel

But I'm not naive enough to think that everyone who goes through something like this has this kind of "army" of love behind them.  I saw, and heard, people on my floor at the hospital spend entire days (multiple) all by themselves.  Aaaagh, it was almost more painful to me than the actual pain sometimes. 
Jesus is pretty clear about how His Kingdom will come and be released thru us -- and not letting others suffering alone is part of that (check out Matthew 25).  I don't know what's going to happen inside me as this thought pings around inside my heart and brain -- I just thought I'd invite you into that place to wrestle with me. 
Your welcome!!
Hope you're having a great Saturday.
Ours feels almost "usual" (other than the mother with tubes sticking out of her body!!), with chores, overnighter, leaf raking, and rest.  I had a great chance to catch up with the oldest and let me tell you, it felt like a balm to my soul.

I hope you receive some balm too -- whatever it is you're needing for today...
God's got it, of that I'm certain.

Blessings!
Suze

2 weeks and moving forward.

Today has been a great day!
All systems are "go" -- if you know what I mean (and if you don't, I'm just not explaining).
This has been a small concern of ours, "is everything awake in there?" -- and now we know the answer!
Thanks to you who have prayed a prayer you thought you'd never pray...
He answers them all friends!! :)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Nurses lately.
As you can imagine, being in the hospital for 12 days -- you meet a lot of these amazing men & women.
We were in awe as we watched them be experts in the areas of pain, comfort, progress, family dynamics, nutrition, crisis management, psychology, ice chips, crowd control, and so many other things.    They are not only Medical Professional but also, Mom, Coach, Teacher, Counselor, Companion, & Advocate working hard at being present and yet not hovering as you're hurting.  The best -- exude a sense of confidence, that all will be well if you'll just trust the plan that's in play.  This is an amazing role in the life of one who is recovering. 
But here's where my thoughts have gone recently...
Aren't we all called to be these things, to some degree, for each other?
You don't have to go through a major surgery to need someone with you.  Sometimes life is just hard and you need someone, anyone, to stand with you in it.  To listen, coach, teach, love, advocate...
This kind of nursing doesn't require passing Anatomy & Physiology either.
It just requires Us - fully present, willing to stand with.
So, here's a great, big, huge THANK YOU to all the Nurses I know -- Registered or otherwise.
And to the rest of us, let's go get a stethoscope and see what we can do!!
Happy Thursday!
Suze

Recovery - Day 13 - The "Eyes" Have It!

Wednesday, 10.20.10 - It occurs to me that 25 years ago this week (Sweetest Day, to be exact), I proposed to the love of my life, asking her to be my partner in the adventure of our live.  The best par of that day was her response - the energetic "Yes!" that was expressed not only in her voice but through her eyes.

As I thought of that sacred turning point in our relationship nearly a quarter of a century before (That makes us sound ancient) in light of this recent stretch of physical, emotional & spiritual challenge, I find myself feeling grateful for the opportunity of loving & being loved well by Suze.

Someone once said, "The soul that can speak with its eyes can also kiss with a gaze."  I believe that's exactly what I've experienced every time I've held her gaze.  It was her eyes that grabbed my attention when we first met in the choir loft where the altos ended & the tenors began, quickening my heart rate.  It was through her eyes that I first experienced the painful realization that I had hurt her deeply & it was through her eyes that I experienced true forgiveness in spite of that hurt.  When we first held each of our children, liquid joy from her heart poured out of her eyes.  More recently, it was in the moments just before we parted in the hallway leading to the OR, where we experienced a very brief but very intimate transaction of appreciation & longing for a lifetime of "Yes!"  In that moment, no words needed to be spoken!

I am grateful for this beautiful life we have been privileged to share together.  I am grateful for her eyes that still reflect the deep love & passion first for God & then for me; one that that burns white-hot within her.  Thank you God for granting us this time we have together, for bringing into my life one who has loved me so well.  And thank you God for the windows into her heart through which I see you!