A record (of sorts)!

Well, I am half-way thru my 6th day in a row of FEELING GREAT!
This, my friends is definately a milestone.
One that I knew would come -- but am still so grateful to welcome!!

Last Monday we went for a check-up with the surgeon and found out that I have Gastric Dumping Syndrome (great name, right!!).  Kind of not a surprise because of the part of my stomach that was removed.  We were so grateful to find out that there is something we can attribute the sudden "crashes" to and so far the treatment (which is basically dietary and separating liquids from solids) has been really helpful.  Wow!  It's hard to describe what a relief it has been to have almost a week free of those seemingly random episodes that would lay me low and really make it difficult to get up and face my day!
Really, really grateful for this insight (which is what, I'm convinced, has lead to these 6 good days!!).

I also got to speak at my first "post-Whipple" retreat last week.
As soon as we found out about the tumor and the surgery this Summer, I started canceling everything I had said "yes" to for the Fall.  It was difficult, because I really enjoy prepping for and then spending a day or 2 sharing with folks who are thoughtfully and sometimes desperately in need of respite.
But for some reason, this retreat stayed in the "I'm going" column and let me tell you, what a huge gift to get to participate.  I don't know if they got anything from one word I said (I'm trusting God on that one!) but I sure received a lot from them. 

And now, as I'm looking back at my week I am once again undone by all that has taken place in my body (literally) and life over the past 5 1/2 months.  This morning the first thought I had was DELIGHT and I knew without even really having to think about it much, that this came from such a deep place of gratitude.  Not just for the lack of Cancer -- although I am so grateful to not be fighting that battle right now -- but for the MANY ways I see broken things in me being restored. 

Things like...
Relying on ME to get thru the day.  My energy, my stamina, my passion, my ideas, ME, MY, MINE.  Such a fractured way of living.  The truth is, eventually I'm going to let me down.  And so it's been such a gift to learn to rely on the One who is THE only source for everything that's good and perfect.
Trying to do it on our own (see above :)) -- all of it.  There are not words to tell you what it means to come to the realization that the life I had been trying to live and manage on my own was not working.  This is so clearly a season of Community for our family.  We are experiencing the joy that comes from allowing others in, asking for help and then receiving it, and learning how to trust in ways we never have before.
Having contempt for my seemingly unreliable health.  This is a biggie that has been not just broken, but shattered and I have carried it around for years this way.  Like so many shards of glass that I swallowed, I have long believed that my propensity for "getting sick" was something to be ashamed of.  Of course, always grateful that I have survived all these years -- and yet, at the same time somehow, embarrassed to be "that" person.  And now?  I'm learning that this is my story (and I'm sticking to it!) and it is mine for a reason.  There is a reason (or maybe 20) that every decade since I was 15, God and I stand hand in hand on the edge of a cliff called "Suze's survival". 
Sometimes things can be broken so long you forget their fractured. 
That's just not going to be true about this -- anymore.
The pieces are moving back into place and I'm learning to call my health,
     my biology,
        my genetic map...
                                     BEAUTIFUL!!
Yep, it's been a great week.
I hope yours was true.
Even if you were, like I have been recently, coming face to face with some places where you've been limping a bit, because something might be a little "off" inside.

Still, so much more than grateful!
Suze

Check-ups.

Tomorrow morning Kelly and I head to Dr Y's office for a check-up.
As I think about the things I want to ask him (what's the deal with my weight?, how come I can't really rely my "innards" yet?, when will I know "normal" has arrived?)
I'm curious as to what he's looking for?
I mean at this point, there's nothing really visually different than when we first met (other than the lack of a tumor and that big scar!!).  What questions will he ask that will let him know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be at this point in my recovery OR something is seriously "off"?
I guess it makes sense that I can't figure out what he will ask me -- that's what makes him the specialist and me...
                                                    well, just the patient.
He's done this a few times, he knows what he's doing -- that's why I trusted him from the very first moment I met him and for all those hours he would spend working inside my body - literally!
When you think about it -- it's an odd relationship really. 
This Doctor/Patient thing. 
In kind of a goofy way -- it's almost like loving someone else.
When we decide we're going to love another -- we have to decide we're going to give it all away.
All of it -- expectations, power, control, and ultimately...
                                                                                               having to have our own way.
And at the very same time we're handing over these treasures, we're deciding that what we do bring to the relationship is belief and trust. 
I believe you have my best in mind.
I trust you to take all that I just handed you and honor me with it.
That is LOVE.
No matter what the relationship is - husband, wife, friend, parent, child, teacher, student, boss, employee, and yep, even doctor or patient -- without LOVE it's just not going to work.

Wherever you are on the faith thing -- without LOVE, you're not going to get far.
For me, the thing that often gets in the way between me and God is that I'm not willing to hand him all the things I have to let go of to really fall in LOVE.
Uugh.  Sometimes that really bugs me about me.
But, physical check-ups aren't the only ones that are good for us!
Being reminded that there is a LOVE that is perfect (not mine for sure) and it has been offered to me -- over and over and over again -- is helpful and makes me glad that I'm not done with this living thing!

And so, tomorrow is more than just a check-up, it becomes another chance to practice LOVE.

Hope you get a chance to practice too!!
Loved,
Suze

Humiliation.

Lots of people have asked me recently what I've been learning thru this "adventure".

Hmmm...

       so much I could say in response to that.

First, but not nearly as important as some of the others...

I'm learning no-one, ever, should take their internal plumbing for granted!! :)

OK, seriously, here's a short list...

I'm learning (important note here -- it's STILL happening) that my strength is not what will get me thru the day.

I'm learning that the vows Kelly and I took nearly 25 years ago, and have worked on every day since, are truly the foundation our entire family stands on.

I'm learning the value of lots of "ings": allowing, inviting, asking, receiving, resting, hoping, trusting, and giving...it back.

I'm learning about LOVE in ways I would never have anticipated in all the years I've been wrestling with my health and following Jesus.

I'm learning what it means to be really grateful and the things and places and feelings that true gratitude opens up inside of me and others.

But mostly, I'm learning about the role of humiliation as we suffer.

Nope, not humility (although I think that's a really important part of one's character)but rather humiliation: 

       Humiliation (also called stultification) is the abasement of pride, which creates  

               mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission.    

                                                                                                                          websters.com

Not something we would normally embrace and actually, maybe not part of everyone's journey thru suffering or struggle.  But, it's been a HUGE part of mine.  I have, for so long, leaned heavily into myself.  My strength, my energy, my ability to get "it" done (whatever "it" was).  I would rarely, if ever, let anyone see me in what I would call a weak state.  Honest? Always. Vulnerable? Yes, if I was choosing the what, when, and how.  But humiliated?  Never - if I had anything to say about it.  But that's the beauty of being weak and coming back to yourself, you often don't have a say about it.  

And here's something even more glorious: every time I have to lay on my office floor, leave a meeting to race to the bathroom, start weeping in front of strangers, cancel a dinner with friends, or tell the kids "I'm not going to be able to do that"...I have an opportunity to set my pride aside and submit to God, who rescued me all those years ago and is still rescuing me today!

In one of my favorite chapters in one of my favorite books in the Bible, the prophet Isaiah says this about God's son...

   He was despised and rejected by mankind,
   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
   Like one from whom people hide their faces
   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.   

But here's the best part...

 

   Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering...
   the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed. 

So yeah, I've been humiliated some...

But not like when you forget your lines in a play or mess up a project and get caught covering it up.

No, this has been a beautifully, glorious gift that is teaching me more about myself and God Himself.

I would never want you to go thru the shame-filled, embarrassing, "get me out of here" kind of humiliation...but if you have an opportunity to step into a place where, thru your lack, you are drawn closer to the One whose own humiliation brings healing --

embrace it, let it happen, fall deeply into it...

you never know, you might end up being just a little bit more like Him on the other side of it.

Still grateful,

Suze

Cup of cold water.

So, it's been awhile since I posted.
Obviously...  I'VE GONE BACK TO WORK!! :)
The days of me sitting in my chair recovering are behind me now -- which is both amazing and overwhelming to me.

Last week was the 3 month mark of the surgery date and my BEST WEEK YET!
What a blessing to have more energy, the ability to last longer than 4 or 5 hours at the office, and to get back to exercising.
Sometimes I still "crash", but these days, the rebound is an hour or so instead of the rest of the day.  Yahoo!!
I've been calling this return to "normal" a journey and I continue to be grateful to be wherever I might be today on that road.

Last week also held the opportunity for me to have 3 different conversations with folks who have either had the Whipple or have been told they need to have this surgery.  Each time, I was undone by the Grace I have been shown -- to be where I am in my recovery so that I can now be the one supporting and encouraging.  That's what survival is all about right?  It's not just about getting thru, but rather it provides us the chance to gather up all the moments...
    
      moments of fear &
      moments of wonder,
      moments of not being able to see the forest for the trees &
      those brief moments of deep and glorious clarity,
      and there are those moments we know exactly what's happening next &
      hundreds of moments when all we know is that we hope we make it to tomorrow.

and then, while holding them close to our hearts, we make these moments available to others in our open hands.

I wonder what you've survived?  What kind of moments full of pain, grief, loss, or inconvenient reality have you slogged your way thru and now, because of your journey, you have something completely different to offer those around you?  Are you offering?  Or are you just glad you made it?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to be grateful...
     but one of the things gratitude can do for us
     is allow us the chance to pick someone else.

And every time we decide that our "making it" was never supposed to be just about us, the most glorious part of our survival breaks thru.
Just like a cold cup of water on the hottest of days.

If your'e reading this -- you've been sharing the journey with us these past 3 months and we are so grateful!  Thanks -- for the prayers and the support, and...
the hundreds of cups of cold water!

Blessings,
Suze
        

An old year slides out the door.

I've always been intrigued by New Year's Eve.
The excitement, the parties, the craziness -- all in anticipation of ....
                                                                                               what exactly? 
That the next 365 days will hold something that the last 364 did not?
That this next 12 months will deliver in ways that the last 12 just weren't able to?

Or maybe it's not time frames we're concerned about,
it's a more personal way of thinking.
That WE might be different somehow -- more gracious, patient, generous, kind?
That somehow we'll go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and
everything that is true about us (especially those things we don't particularly care for) today, might somehow be altered?
That if we make a list of things we'd like to change and work at them hard enough, next year at this time we'll be more like the person we wish we were NOW?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to set goals.
To be intentionally working toward something can be really life-giving.
I'm just saying I don't think we have to wait until Dick Clark starts the countdown, to start to make some of those changes.  Or even to start thinking about them.

Favorite place to sit & think: Front Porch

I have had lots of days in the past almost 3 months, to sit and think and journal -- well honestly, sometimes I never really got anything written down in the journal -- so lots of just sitting and thinking.  A gift really.  One that many of us, because of the pace we're living, never really have.
I'm grateful for it.
I'm in awe of it really.
But mostly, I've been changed by it.
To sit and think about your past.  To really spend time being curious about your present.  And then, to have extended time to dream about tomorrow.
What a rare and beautiful gift.
And I didn't even have to wait for December 31st!

I wouldn't wish The Whipple on anybody.  Nope, not even my worst enemy (even though I hope I don't have one of those).  But I would wish everyone I know time.  Time to think and dream and ponder and hope.  Because in the long run, that's what New Year's Eve crazy-making is really all about: HOPE.  And trust me, I only know one place to find real Hope and for me, it's rarely revealed itself during a party when I was counting down from 10 to 1 and making a lot of noise!

My prayer for me, my family, and you is that as 2010 slides out the back door and 2011 steps in the front - we will have a greater sense of the possibilities in front of us right this moment -- and grab them. 
Even if the opportunity is the chance to just sit and think...

Happy New Year!
Suze 

Birthdays.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate my 46th birthday.
And let me tell you -- this year is a milestone for me...mostly because I'm joyfully and health-fully (is that a word?) moving toward another year of LIFE!
What's helpful to know is that 45 was a HUGE birthday for me. 
Huge.
I had started a journey when I was 42, with the end result hopefully being that I would enter my 45th year - fearlessly.  You see, my first round of cancer came when I was 15.  Second time - 25.  Third go-round - 35.  You get the pattern.  Turning 45 was a big, hairy deal and as a 42 year old, I was really afraid of it.  I had fallen into old patterns of people-pleasing, living hesitantly, second-guessing every choice, and mostly just HIDING.  All of it based in the fear that I wouldn't be around to see 46 -- so I had better live a life that was literally, larger than life and if I messed up, or couldn't get your approval -- well then my life must be a big, fat failure.
                                     Uuugh.  This is a horrible way to live -- don't try it, trust me.

So, mid-way thru my 42nd year, I called up an amazing counselor, got myself an appointment and spend the next year figuring all of the above out (it was much messier than it looks here -- trust me).  And gratefully, I'm able to say I was able to wake up the morning of my 45th birthday completely and utterly unafraid.  And, by the grace of a very good God, I have stayed that way -- even AFTER the tumor was found in my Pancreas -- all year.  I have been concerned, I have been stressed, I have even wondered if I had maybe done something wrong -- but hey, I'm also the mother of 3 teenagers!! 

Over the past 3.5 years I have had the opportunity to really look at my life -- to see it for what it has been, what it is, and what it might be.  And here's what I know: My life doesn't have value because I produce something you might really like or because my kids turn out perfectly or because every hard to please person I know things I'm amazing.  Nope, my life has value because the Creator of the Universe chose me.  In fact, He chooses me every day and He trusts me -- with big (like raising children and loving Kelly and passing life along and surviving) and small (celebrating the sunrise and enjoying a really good meal and laughing with a friend) things in the midst of those days.  I am a blessed woman -- not because I've survived Cancer 3 times and I "dodged a bullet" this time.  Nope, I'm blessed because God saw how broken I was and how my brokenness was adding to the world's and He decided to crawl into the skin of a newborn and start the process of fixing every last broken thing in me (and you if you'd like Him to) and the world.
Amazing.
So, fearless still I chose to celebrate another birthday. 
Who knew (but God) that last year would hold the challenges it did.
And I trust Him, if this year has some more -- I'm ready.

So this year, I sing the silly, childhood song of birthday parties around the world...
Like a prayer of thanksgiving!
Won't you join me??

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear Suze,
Happy birthday to me.
Amen.

  

Christmas Eve.

As a kid -- I loved Christmas Eve so much I usually almost, kind of, sort of, made myself sick.
I know I'm not alone in this -- there were lots of kiddos who couldn't sleep, had a queasy belly, and were basically giddy waiting for the big morning to arrive (I know, I've got 3 of them still in the house!).  It was almost too much, this anticipation of what might be under the tree with my name on it.  In the morning, my Mom wouldn't let us leave our rooms until she and Dad gave the "all clear".  So my brother Rob and I would grab our pillows and lay in the doorways of our rooms, staring across the hall at each other, breathing deeply -- just hoping we wouldn't have to run to the bathroom to "take care of" our excitement!  I have no idea what my sister Dawn was doing -- by this time she was a teenager and way too cool to lay in a doorway (she was probably wide awake in her bed!).

This is us now.  We survived!

And then...Mom or Dad would call us down the stairs and the sick tummy would be forgotten as I turned the corner and there was the tree with presents stacked underneath it and a stocking to be dumped on the floor. 

Wow.  What a picture of expectation and reality and the gap that exists between the two.

I had a lot of expectations for this Christmas.  That I would be at a certain place in my recovery, that I would feel good enough to have it ALL done by now, that I would have 99.9% of my energy back, that my children would get along for every moment of their break (OK, that one's not true!!)...
But God's been challenging me that there's something for me to learn in this gap between what is and what I'd like it to be.  Maybe I'm supposed to be satisfied with what's right in front of me, maybe I'm supposed to demand less of myself, maybe I'm supposed to be willing...to ask, to try, to rest, to start over, to trust. 

I know this sounds kooky -- but I can't help saying what a gift this surgery and season of recovery have been -- probably right up there with one of the best gifts ever.  I have learned things about myself, my family, and my community that I always hoped were true but now I know are.  It has given me such an amazing opportunity to experience God in ways familiar and yet, in this season, brand new.  I have had moments when I felt just like that little girl waiting to be called down the stairs for Christmas...wondering what might be waiting for her (sick stomach and all!), and then the relief of knowing that no matter what's around the corner...
Love wins.
Which, I think is the whole message of Christmas.

I hope your celebration is filled with moments - where you get to see for yourself that no matter how big or small the gap between your expectations and realities, there's always LOVE.

For unto us, is born this day...
Suze