A record (of sorts)!

Well, I am half-way thru my 6th day in a row of FEELING GREAT!
This, my friends is definately a milestone.
One that I knew would come -- but am still so grateful to welcome!!

Last Monday we went for a check-up with the surgeon and found out that I have Gastric Dumping Syndrome (great name, right!!).  Kind of not a surprise because of the part of my stomach that was removed.  We were so grateful to find out that there is something we can attribute the sudden "crashes" to and so far the treatment (which is basically dietary and separating liquids from solids) has been really helpful.  Wow!  It's hard to describe what a relief it has been to have almost a week free of those seemingly random episodes that would lay me low and really make it difficult to get up and face my day!
Really, really grateful for this insight (which is what, I'm convinced, has lead to these 6 good days!!).

I also got to speak at my first "post-Whipple" retreat last week.
As soon as we found out about the tumor and the surgery this Summer, I started canceling everything I had said "yes" to for the Fall.  It was difficult, because I really enjoy prepping for and then spending a day or 2 sharing with folks who are thoughtfully and sometimes desperately in need of respite.
But for some reason, this retreat stayed in the "I'm going" column and let me tell you, what a huge gift to get to participate.  I don't know if they got anything from one word I said (I'm trusting God on that one!) but I sure received a lot from them. 

And now, as I'm looking back at my week I am once again undone by all that has taken place in my body (literally) and life over the past 5 1/2 months.  This morning the first thought I had was DELIGHT and I knew without even really having to think about it much, that this came from such a deep place of gratitude.  Not just for the lack of Cancer -- although I am so grateful to not be fighting that battle right now -- but for the MANY ways I see broken things in me being restored. 

Things like...
Relying on ME to get thru the day.  My energy, my stamina, my passion, my ideas, ME, MY, MINE.  Such a fractured way of living.  The truth is, eventually I'm going to let me down.  And so it's been such a gift to learn to rely on the One who is THE only source for everything that's good and perfect.
Trying to do it on our own (see above :)) -- all of it.  There are not words to tell you what it means to come to the realization that the life I had been trying to live and manage on my own was not working.  This is so clearly a season of Community for our family.  We are experiencing the joy that comes from allowing others in, asking for help and then receiving it, and learning how to trust in ways we never have before.
Having contempt for my seemingly unreliable health.  This is a biggie that has been not just broken, but shattered and I have carried it around for years this way.  Like so many shards of glass that I swallowed, I have long believed that my propensity for "getting sick" was something to be ashamed of.  Of course, always grateful that I have survived all these years -- and yet, at the same time somehow, embarrassed to be "that" person.  And now?  I'm learning that this is my story (and I'm sticking to it!) and it is mine for a reason.  There is a reason (or maybe 20) that every decade since I was 15, God and I stand hand in hand on the edge of a cliff called "Suze's survival". 
Sometimes things can be broken so long you forget their fractured. 
That's just not going to be true about this -- anymore.
The pieces are moving back into place and I'm learning to call my health,
     my biology,
        my genetic map...
                                     BEAUTIFUL!!
Yep, it's been a great week.
I hope yours was true.
Even if you were, like I have been recently, coming face to face with some places where you've been limping a bit, because something might be a little "off" inside.

Still, so much more than grateful!
Suze

Check-ups.

Tomorrow morning Kelly and I head to Dr Y's office for a check-up.
As I think about the things I want to ask him (what's the deal with my weight?, how come I can't really rely my "innards" yet?, when will I know "normal" has arrived?)
I'm curious as to what he's looking for?
I mean at this point, there's nothing really visually different than when we first met (other than the lack of a tumor and that big scar!!).  What questions will he ask that will let him know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be at this point in my recovery OR something is seriously "off"?
I guess it makes sense that I can't figure out what he will ask me -- that's what makes him the specialist and me...
                                                    well, just the patient.
He's done this a few times, he knows what he's doing -- that's why I trusted him from the very first moment I met him and for all those hours he would spend working inside my body - literally!
When you think about it -- it's an odd relationship really. 
This Doctor/Patient thing. 
In kind of a goofy way -- it's almost like loving someone else.
When we decide we're going to love another -- we have to decide we're going to give it all away.
All of it -- expectations, power, control, and ultimately...
                                                                                               having to have our own way.
And at the very same time we're handing over these treasures, we're deciding that what we do bring to the relationship is belief and trust. 
I believe you have my best in mind.
I trust you to take all that I just handed you and honor me with it.
That is LOVE.
No matter what the relationship is - husband, wife, friend, parent, child, teacher, student, boss, employee, and yep, even doctor or patient -- without LOVE it's just not going to work.

Wherever you are on the faith thing -- without LOVE, you're not going to get far.
For me, the thing that often gets in the way between me and God is that I'm not willing to hand him all the things I have to let go of to really fall in LOVE.
Uugh.  Sometimes that really bugs me about me.
But, physical check-ups aren't the only ones that are good for us!
Being reminded that there is a LOVE that is perfect (not mine for sure) and it has been offered to me -- over and over and over again -- is helpful and makes me glad that I'm not done with this living thing!

And so, tomorrow is more than just a check-up, it becomes another chance to practice LOVE.

Hope you get a chance to practice too!!
Loved,
Suze

Humiliation.

Lots of people have asked me recently what I've been learning thru this "adventure".

Hmmm...

       so much I could say in response to that.

First, but not nearly as important as some of the others...

I'm learning no-one, ever, should take their internal plumbing for granted!! :)

OK, seriously, here's a short list...

I'm learning (important note here -- it's STILL happening) that my strength is not what will get me thru the day.

I'm learning that the vows Kelly and I took nearly 25 years ago, and have worked on every day since, are truly the foundation our entire family stands on.

I'm learning the value of lots of "ings": allowing, inviting, asking, receiving, resting, hoping, trusting, and giving...it back.

I'm learning about LOVE in ways I would never have anticipated in all the years I've been wrestling with my health and following Jesus.

I'm learning what it means to be really grateful and the things and places and feelings that true gratitude opens up inside of me and others.

But mostly, I'm learning about the role of humiliation as we suffer.

Nope, not humility (although I think that's a really important part of one's character)but rather humiliation: 

       Humiliation (also called stultification) is the abasement of pride, which creates  

               mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission.    

                                                                                                                          websters.com

Not something we would normally embrace and actually, maybe not part of everyone's journey thru suffering or struggle.  But, it's been a HUGE part of mine.  I have, for so long, leaned heavily into myself.  My strength, my energy, my ability to get "it" done (whatever "it" was).  I would rarely, if ever, let anyone see me in what I would call a weak state.  Honest? Always. Vulnerable? Yes, if I was choosing the what, when, and how.  But humiliated?  Never - if I had anything to say about it.  But that's the beauty of being weak and coming back to yourself, you often don't have a say about it.  

And here's something even more glorious: every time I have to lay on my office floor, leave a meeting to race to the bathroom, start weeping in front of strangers, cancel a dinner with friends, or tell the kids "I'm not going to be able to do that"...I have an opportunity to set my pride aside and submit to God, who rescued me all those years ago and is still rescuing me today!

In one of my favorite chapters in one of my favorite books in the Bible, the prophet Isaiah says this about God's son...

   He was despised and rejected by mankind,
   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
   Like one from whom people hide their faces
   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.   

But here's the best part...

 

   Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering...
   the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed. 

So yeah, I've been humiliated some...

But not like when you forget your lines in a play or mess up a project and get caught covering it up.

No, this has been a beautifully, glorious gift that is teaching me more about myself and God Himself.

I would never want you to go thru the shame-filled, embarrassing, "get me out of here" kind of humiliation...but if you have an opportunity to step into a place where, thru your lack, you are drawn closer to the One whose own humiliation brings healing --

embrace it, let it happen, fall deeply into it...

you never know, you might end up being just a little bit more like Him on the other side of it.

Still grateful,

Suze

Cup of cold water.

So, it's been awhile since I posted.
Obviously...  I'VE GONE BACK TO WORK!! :)
The days of me sitting in my chair recovering are behind me now -- which is both amazing and overwhelming to me.

Last week was the 3 month mark of the surgery date and my BEST WEEK YET!
What a blessing to have more energy, the ability to last longer than 4 or 5 hours at the office, and to get back to exercising.
Sometimes I still "crash", but these days, the rebound is an hour or so instead of the rest of the day.  Yahoo!!
I've been calling this return to "normal" a journey and I continue to be grateful to be wherever I might be today on that road.

Last week also held the opportunity for me to have 3 different conversations with folks who have either had the Whipple or have been told they need to have this surgery.  Each time, I was undone by the Grace I have been shown -- to be where I am in my recovery so that I can now be the one supporting and encouraging.  That's what survival is all about right?  It's not just about getting thru, but rather it provides us the chance to gather up all the moments...
    
      moments of fear &
      moments of wonder,
      moments of not being able to see the forest for the trees &
      those brief moments of deep and glorious clarity,
      and there are those moments we know exactly what's happening next &
      hundreds of moments when all we know is that we hope we make it to tomorrow.

and then, while holding them close to our hearts, we make these moments available to others in our open hands.

I wonder what you've survived?  What kind of moments full of pain, grief, loss, or inconvenient reality have you slogged your way thru and now, because of your journey, you have something completely different to offer those around you?  Are you offering?  Or are you just glad you made it?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to be grateful...
     but one of the things gratitude can do for us
     is allow us the chance to pick someone else.

And every time we decide that our "making it" was never supposed to be just about us, the most glorious part of our survival breaks thru.
Just like a cold cup of water on the hottest of days.

If your'e reading this -- you've been sharing the journey with us these past 3 months and we are so grateful!  Thanks -- for the prayers and the support, and...
the hundreds of cups of cold water!

Blessings,
Suze