An old year slides out the door.

I've always been intrigued by New Year's Eve.
The excitement, the parties, the craziness -- all in anticipation of ....
                                                                                               what exactly? 
That the next 365 days will hold something that the last 364 did not?
That this next 12 months will deliver in ways that the last 12 just weren't able to?

Or maybe it's not time frames we're concerned about,
it's a more personal way of thinking.
That WE might be different somehow -- more gracious, patient, generous, kind?
That somehow we'll go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and
everything that is true about us (especially those things we don't particularly care for) today, might somehow be altered?
That if we make a list of things we'd like to change and work at them hard enough, next year at this time we'll be more like the person we wish we were NOW?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to set goals.
To be intentionally working toward something can be really life-giving.
I'm just saying I don't think we have to wait until Dick Clark starts the countdown, to start to make some of those changes.  Or even to start thinking about them.

Favorite place to sit & think: Front Porch

I have had lots of days in the past almost 3 months, to sit and think and journal -- well honestly, sometimes I never really got anything written down in the journal -- so lots of just sitting and thinking.  A gift really.  One that many of us, because of the pace we're living, never really have.
I'm grateful for it.
I'm in awe of it really.
But mostly, I've been changed by it.
To sit and think about your past.  To really spend time being curious about your present.  And then, to have extended time to dream about tomorrow.
What a rare and beautiful gift.
And I didn't even have to wait for December 31st!

I wouldn't wish The Whipple on anybody.  Nope, not even my worst enemy (even though I hope I don't have one of those).  But I would wish everyone I know time.  Time to think and dream and ponder and hope.  Because in the long run, that's what New Year's Eve crazy-making is really all about: HOPE.  And trust me, I only know one place to find real Hope and for me, it's rarely revealed itself during a party when I was counting down from 10 to 1 and making a lot of noise!

My prayer for me, my family, and you is that as 2010 slides out the back door and 2011 steps in the front - we will have a greater sense of the possibilities in front of us right this moment -- and grab them. 
Even if the opportunity is the chance to just sit and think...

Happy New Year!
Suze 

Birthdays.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate my 46th birthday.
And let me tell you -- this year is a milestone for me...mostly because I'm joyfully and health-fully (is that a word?) moving toward another year of LIFE!
What's helpful to know is that 45 was a HUGE birthday for me. 
Huge.
I had started a journey when I was 42, with the end result hopefully being that I would enter my 45th year - fearlessly.  You see, my first round of cancer came when I was 15.  Second time - 25.  Third go-round - 35.  You get the pattern.  Turning 45 was a big, hairy deal and as a 42 year old, I was really afraid of it.  I had fallen into old patterns of people-pleasing, living hesitantly, second-guessing every choice, and mostly just HIDING.  All of it based in the fear that I wouldn't be around to see 46 -- so I had better live a life that was literally, larger than life and if I messed up, or couldn't get your approval -- well then my life must be a big, fat failure.
                                     Uuugh.  This is a horrible way to live -- don't try it, trust me.

So, mid-way thru my 42nd year, I called up an amazing counselor, got myself an appointment and spend the next year figuring all of the above out (it was much messier than it looks here -- trust me).  And gratefully, I'm able to say I was able to wake up the morning of my 45th birthday completely and utterly unafraid.  And, by the grace of a very good God, I have stayed that way -- even AFTER the tumor was found in my Pancreas -- all year.  I have been concerned, I have been stressed, I have even wondered if I had maybe done something wrong -- but hey, I'm also the mother of 3 teenagers!! 

Over the past 3.5 years I have had the opportunity to really look at my life -- to see it for what it has been, what it is, and what it might be.  And here's what I know: My life doesn't have value because I produce something you might really like or because my kids turn out perfectly or because every hard to please person I know things I'm amazing.  Nope, my life has value because the Creator of the Universe chose me.  In fact, He chooses me every day and He trusts me -- with big (like raising children and loving Kelly and passing life along and surviving) and small (celebrating the sunrise and enjoying a really good meal and laughing with a friend) things in the midst of those days.  I am a blessed woman -- not because I've survived Cancer 3 times and I "dodged a bullet" this time.  Nope, I'm blessed because God saw how broken I was and how my brokenness was adding to the world's and He decided to crawl into the skin of a newborn and start the process of fixing every last broken thing in me (and you if you'd like Him to) and the world.
Amazing.
So, fearless still I chose to celebrate another birthday. 
Who knew (but God) that last year would hold the challenges it did.
And I trust Him, if this year has some more -- I'm ready.

So this year, I sing the silly, childhood song of birthday parties around the world...
Like a prayer of thanksgiving!
Won't you join me??

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear Suze,
Happy birthday to me.
Amen.

  

Christmas Eve.

As a kid -- I loved Christmas Eve so much I usually almost, kind of, sort of, made myself sick.
I know I'm not alone in this -- there were lots of kiddos who couldn't sleep, had a queasy belly, and were basically giddy waiting for the big morning to arrive (I know, I've got 3 of them still in the house!).  It was almost too much, this anticipation of what might be under the tree with my name on it.  In the morning, my Mom wouldn't let us leave our rooms until she and Dad gave the "all clear".  So my brother Rob and I would grab our pillows and lay in the doorways of our rooms, staring across the hall at each other, breathing deeply -- just hoping we wouldn't have to run to the bathroom to "take care of" our excitement!  I have no idea what my sister Dawn was doing -- by this time she was a teenager and way too cool to lay in a doorway (she was probably wide awake in her bed!).

This is us now.  We survived!

And then...Mom or Dad would call us down the stairs and the sick tummy would be forgotten as I turned the corner and there was the tree with presents stacked underneath it and a stocking to be dumped on the floor. 

Wow.  What a picture of expectation and reality and the gap that exists between the two.

I had a lot of expectations for this Christmas.  That I would be at a certain place in my recovery, that I would feel good enough to have it ALL done by now, that I would have 99.9% of my energy back, that my children would get along for every moment of their break (OK, that one's not true!!)...
But God's been challenging me that there's something for me to learn in this gap between what is and what I'd like it to be.  Maybe I'm supposed to be satisfied with what's right in front of me, maybe I'm supposed to demand less of myself, maybe I'm supposed to be willing...to ask, to try, to rest, to start over, to trust. 

I know this sounds kooky -- but I can't help saying what a gift this surgery and season of recovery have been -- probably right up there with one of the best gifts ever.  I have learned things about myself, my family, and my community that I always hoped were true but now I know are.  It has given me such an amazing opportunity to experience God in ways familiar and yet, in this season, brand new.  I have had moments when I felt just like that little girl waiting to be called down the stairs for Christmas...wondering what might be waiting for her (sick stomach and all!), and then the relief of knowing that no matter what's around the corner...
Love wins.
Which, I think is the whole message of Christmas.

I hope your celebration is filled with moments - where you get to see for yourself that no matter how big or small the gap between your expectations and realities, there's always LOVE.

For unto us, is born this day...
Suze

On the Floor - not laughing.

Today I had to go into our family physician's office and have the 3 hour version of the Glucose Challenge test.  They are looking to see how much insulin the remainder of the ole pancreas is producing.  This is the same test lots of mama's have to do when they've got a bun in the oven.  Not pleasant, but not horrible either....

     normally.

For me, this morning was ridiculously difficult.  I ended up on the floor of an exam room at the doctors office (which I had asked for just because you can't leave for the 3 hours and I wanted to avoid all the sick kiddos coming to see Dr. Holly in the waiting room!) because 20 minutes after the test started I had some kind of MAJOR reaction to the glucose.  Not going to go into details -- just trust me, it was baaaaad.  The goofiest part was that here I was at my Docs office and no one knew how bad I was doing because the reaction I had is not "normal" and so they don't typically check on folks.  So, it wasn't until the lab tech came in to do the blood draw at hour 1 that anyone knew I was struggling.  

Needless to say -- they paid attention after that!

So today, instead of getting Christmasy (finish the shopping, make a buckeye or 30, and dunking some pretzels in chocolate) I ended up on the couch.  

Hmmm...really tempting to get discouraged -- but I'm just NOT CHOSING IT.  Things could be so much worse.  I could be fighting for so much more than just my energy or certain systems to be working together.  I'm aware of it -- the "could be-ness" of my life right now -- almost every minute of every day.  And it doesn't lead to a crazy fervor to make it all count (I kind of already had that!!), nope it just makes me want to pay attention.  

To really listen, look around, and be aware of what might be in this for me.  

Today, I'm so aware that my story is still being written.

That I have lots to learn about life and living it with love and grace and gratefulness.

And every opportunity like this morning becomes a beautiful reminder that my life is an ADVENTURE that was absolutely planned with me in mind -- and that I have everything I need to not only survive this day, but to celebrate it!  Wow... I'm so grateful.

So today, as you're looking at the calendar and realizing that the family is coming (or you're going), the food has to be bought and prepped, there are a few things left to be purchased and wrapped, and you are still fighting to find your Christmas spirit, just remember...

Emmanuel,  Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, & Prince of Peace,  were all Jesus' names before he was ever born.  Names you can trust to change everything, whether you're laying on the floor trying to figure out how to get some help or just wondering how you're going to celebrate the season -- the right way this year.

Merry, almost Christmas!
Suze

Life.

Mostly, everyone I know is carrying some sort of burden.
Maybe it's a mistake they made, or a concern they have over a friend who's hurting.
Or maybe, this weight they carry - like so many rocks in a bag,
is connected to a tragedy...
something unforseen that they had nothing, or everything, to do with
and now they just can't unload the guilt or the shame that has attached itself to them. 
Burdens for sure and yet...even with the weighty-est (is that a word?) of concerns, there is still hope.

Always Hope.

This week has felt monstrous for many in our corner of the world.
Lots of questions, concerns, & curiosity about the future.
And then the grief that is specific to having to say good-bye to someone, sometimes way too early, who is deeply loved.
Our friends are carrying burdens and sometimes it's hard to know
how to love them well in the midst of it.
But I've learned, because I've stumbled down this path before,
that hope is the best gift I can hold out to  my friends who are hurting. 
And only because hope has been passed along to me -- do I have anything to offer anyone else.

Robin, Becky & I meeting John Perkins

One of my new heros is a man named John Perkins. 
He's one of the most inspiring people I've ever encountered and at 80 years old, has lived thru and seen it all.
The child of a sharecropper who received a beating that almost took his life -- because of narrow thinking about a person's value being connected to the color of his skin.
Recently, I heard JP (as we like to call him) challenge thousands of people to live lives aware of the burdens, but not held back or down by them.
He said that if we've been given LIFE, like your feet on the floor this morning and that breath you just drew into your lungs, then our "job" is to pass that life along, as long as we're allowed to.  I think this sounds like Hope!

And here's the crazy thing about life -- while others have struggled - I've had a really great 4 days.
Isn't that how it often goes, with both things being true -- suffering and joy co-existing?
I continue to be so grateful for the ongoing support of so many who are praying for my day to day "stuff" (getting back to work, being present for my family, regaining strength).  These prayers have gotten me thru.  These prayers have given me life!

Life, passing on life. 
Hope becoming the burden-lifter!
This I think I can do.
This I want to do!

Gateful,
Suze

Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming.

We have spent a lot of time waiting over the past 4 months.
From the moment Dr. Holly said, "Hmmm...seems like there's something here in your belly that doesn't belong there", we have been waiting.
Waiting for appointments to be scheduled, blood to be drawn, test results to be read, questions to be answered, scans & ultrasounds completed, anesthesia to wear off, pathology to come back, a body to regroup, to be released from the hospital, and for peace to arrive.
Mostly, it's been OK.  We've had Doctors we trusted which in turn helped us to trust the process.
When others were frustrated for us, "why do you have to wait 3 weeks for that test?", we were able to see God's hand in it.  His timing has always been, and will always be, perfect.
I can't tell you specifically why there's been so much waiting -- it's not like when you hear those stories about people who were delayed in leaving the office and there was a 17 car pile-up on their normal route home at the EXACT SAME TIME as they would normally be on that road. 
No, it's more like something deep inside of me, inside of us, has gained a layer of understanding we've never had before. 
We've known God's ways are not our ways.  
We've known you can't tell your body how quickly it's going to recover. 
We've known that often, if you chose it...
trust, faith, wisdom, courage, and even love grows as you WAIT. 
But we've never really understood, as in the kind of "knowing" that penetrates your very soul, how deeply these truths grow in us as we wait. 
For that, we're grateful,
      and surprisingly, reminded of Christmas.
Because Christmas is really all about waiting.
Not waiting for presents, the family to arrive, or the turkey to thaw.
Nope, Christmas is really about celebrating a season of pauses and delays -- waiting.
It's called Advent.
And whether you're aware of it or not, during this season we light candles, celebrate moments, sing songs, and bake yummy things as we wait for something - SOMEONE -- to arrive.
Advent actually means: arrival that has been awaited.

I know what I'm waiting for, I wonder what you're waiting for?
And if you're tempted like me, to give in to frustration or questions...
Remember, Advent is upon us -- and the very thing you and I have been waiting for has come.
And at Christmas -- we get to celebrate His arrival.
So, light a candle, eat a cookie, sing a carol, and wait...
                                                                                          with JOY!
Gratefully,
Suze

Keep your lifejacket on!

So, yesterday I headed back to the office.  

For a few hours -- just to get my feet back in the water.

I wanted to be a part of my team's weekly meeting, go to staff lunch, and maybe stay for another meeting.

It was good to be back among these people who I love and am honored to serve with.

The team I'm a part of is hilarious -- I have really missed laughing with them over the goofiest of things.

They also challenge me, every time I'm with them, to think about things differently, to be creative, to access a new way of offering whatever it is I might have to offer!

It was good to be back.

I got to stay for lunch and the meeting right after.

I came home early, rested and worked a little bit more and felt really good about the milemarker I hit.

And then,last night...

I hit a wall.

Hard.

I told Kelly it felt like I was falling down a hole -- my energy was totally gone and I couldn't get to the couch fast enough.  Sleeping thru the night was illusive and the morning brought even more challenges.

But, I leveled out as the day progressed and I'm able to say that once again, I'm learning things about myself (right lessons aren't necessarily easy ones).

And I'm still grateful... 

This is my friend Ali wearing a lifejacket-joyfully!

for my progress, 

for a job to go back to,

for a laptop and a comfy chair 

to work from,

and that it's OK to jump back into the water...

just keep your lifejacket on 

at all times.

A friend shared this quote today... 

           Pause and consider your day. 
          What seeds from God might be coming to you that you don't want to miss?  
                                                              - Peter Scazzero

While I have LOTS of opinions, there's a lot I don't know -- I'm the first one to tell you that!  But what I do know is that God is always talking, teaching, showing, guiding, correcting, challenging, loving, and planting seeds.  

I bet your day didn't go quite the way you planned it either.  Whatever came up, I hope as you're able to look back over your shoulder at it, you'll be able to see the "good for you" moment -- they're everywhere you know.  Moments that are for our good.  And sometimes they even look like running out of energy and having to stop!

Have a great Thursday!

Suze

 

Just being neighborly.

Nearly 15 years ago we moved into the 9th house on the left on a street filled with older homes.  We chose the house because it had character, lots of great woodwork, and we could afford it.  It felt kind of risky for two "kids" who had grown up in sub-divisions, living on a street that felt really close to downtown (like that's a bad thing?).  We were naive enough to think we were just moving onto a street of houses.  When in reality we moved into a neighborhood -- a place where everyone either has a front porch or comes to sit on yours.  Where people know your names, your kids names, and even help you chase down the dog when it gets lose.  Our neighbors have provided meals, shelter, childcare, invited us to weddings, graduations, and funerals.  They've helped us paint the house and fill a dumpster during a remodel.

Our next-door neighbors to the North have changed a couple of times, but our neighbors to the South were here before we got here and have proven to be exactly the family you hope lives next door when you move to a new city, onto a new block, into a new house.   We have shared a lot over the years -- the side yard, meals, books, cleaning ladies, and outdoor chores.  We've celebrated and laughed together just as much as we've worried and mourned (we've got 6 kids between us, plenty of opportunity for all of that).  When we remodeled our bathroom years ago -- Craig & Nancy let us shower at their place (the joy of an older home with 1 bathroom) for 13 WEEKS - what?  But in and around all the teasing and story telling, we have known we are loved by these people.  From very early on, we knew we could ask them for just about anything and if they could, they would. 

Kelly and I have been going to church ALL of our lives.  We both grew up in the Church and have worked on a Church staff our entire married life, and have met and become friends with some amazing people over the years.  But it was this neighborhood, these neighbors, who really and finally taught me what it meant to belong somewhere.  To have people who see you at your best and worst -- and let's face it, our neighbors see our yards when we've just been too busy, they hear us yelling at our kids in the early summer days when all the windows are open, and they've watched the ways we move in and out of our lives.  And for us they have still wanted to know how we're doing, the latest with the kids, and to remind us we're a part of something bigger than just the 5 of us.

Yesterday, it was a snowy Sunday here in the Midwest, and as I left for Church Craig & Nancy were in the hot tub, drinking coffee (a pre-Church ritual I think I'd like to try!) and so we had a couple minutes to catch up.  And in those 180 seconds (literally 3 minutes) I was reminded again what it means to be connected.  To not just live in a house on a street -- but to belong to a community.  They've been praying for us and paying attention to my progress AT THE VERY SAME TIME as they are carrying their own burdens and concerns.  I was filled with gratitude all over again -- for our neighbors yes, but for the chance I have to be more than just neighborly...in the future.

And speaking of the future -- I'm headed back to work.  I had such a great recovery week last week.  I'm feeling stronger all the time and so, I'm going to do some work there and some here and ease back into the rhythm that is "work".  It's funny, my recovery has gone exactly the way the Doc said it would (even though I was convinced I could do it in half the time!!), so much for what I know!!

I hope you have neighbors like ours.  But trust me, we've lived in enough places to know this doesn't always happen.  But here's what I know CAN happen every time -- we can be those neighbors to others.  All we have to do is decide.

Still more than grateful,
Suze

Miraculous.

You know, I think a lot of us have given up on miracles in our lives and the lives of our friends and family.  Maybe we've been waiting a long time for an answer, the money is just about gone, the pain has increased to the point of overwhelming, she won't forgive me, or the disease just keeps spreading.  I get it, I understand why we give up and think, "this is all there is", I just don't agree with it. 

The way I understand one, a miracle is when God sets aside the natural order (the way things "ought" to go) and makes a new path in our lives.  So maybe it's more in our perspective, rather than whether life is going our way or not.  Like, my life is hard right now, but I'm NOT getting discouraged, depressed, or hopeless.  My children are still laughing and being silly even though they're scared.  My friend keeps pursuing me, even though I've been a grouch. 

I don't know what your miracles look like, I can only point you to mine...and trust me, they've been PLENTIFUL and I'm grateful for each of them, big and small...
1. I've been home 6 weeks recovering and my biggest concern was boredom, restlessness, or even despair.  Hasn't happened.  God has been so faithful to give me a rhythm for this recovery.
2. Dozens of folks have fed our family during the past 2 months.  Folks from my life now and friends who have known me for over 30 years, taking care of what might seem like a small thing but for a Mom -- the family meal... a big deal.
3. ALL the pre-surgery "taking care of" (Dr's, housecleaning, food, presence with the kids) that God was up to on our behalf.  You know who you are, Jess P., Carol H, Joy S., Becky B., & Amy H.
4. My response to our Community's outpouring of love and support.  I normally like to handle things on my own and then come back and report to everybody how great everything worked out.  Very early in this process, I was aware that we would not be able to operate that way this time -- and actually, I didn't even want to - ever.
5. A very large, non-cancerous tumor in my pancreas.  Now, I have to tell you I'm hesitant to write this, because so many that I know and love are CURRENTLY struggling with the monster I call Cancer.  But for me, this is part of God's plan for me, right now.  But if the pathology would have been different, here's what I know -- God would still have been up to something miraculous.  
6. KellyFair's love. 

That's it for now -- I could go on and on listing the ways I've seen miracles, that is God's power directly applied to my life, these past months. 

One of my favorite quotes is by, all people, Albert Einstein...
"There are only two ways to live your life.  One is though nothing is a miracle. 
The other is as though everything is a miracle." 
I like this a lot.
I hope like me, you're days and weeks have been filled with absolutely unexplainable MIRACLES.
And when you see them, you're able to stand on the spot that a miracle-sighting creates...
GRATITUDE.

Have a great weekend!
Suze