You know, I've spent my fair share of time in my life wishing something wasn't - or was. Either way, this way of thinking can be dangerous for me. It keeps me from seeing what's right there...smack in front of my face, which is usually exactly the right thing - for me.
This morning I woke up wishing I was 100%.
That I could go on that campus visit with our oldest,
that my sister didn't have to come all the way out here (although I know she is glad to do it), that my parents weren't worried, that Kelly wasn't concerned about going to back to work, that...
Well, you get where my mind went.
But the truth is, while I'm making great progress, it's just that - progress. A little bit at a time.
Soon, before we know it, I'm trusting, I'll be back.
But until then, it's one breath in and then one breath out.
Just now, Dawn and I were listening to music, reading, and chatting, and this (one of my all time favorites) came on the radio...
Water you turned into wine.
Opened the eyes of the blind.
There's noone like you, none like you.
Into the darkness you shine.
Out of the ashes we rise,
There's noone like you, none like you.
Our God is greater, our God is stronger,
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, awesome in power,
Our God, our God.
He's the one who decides what, when, where.
I trust that about Him and so much more.
So, me I'm gonna take my progress as it comes and chose gratitude for it.
As always, hope you're aware of what you're needing and God's provision of exactly that.
Enjoy the Sunshine!! :)
Suze
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Secret Gardens, Special Friends & Silly Songs
Today was a good day, mainly because the antibiotics kicked in! Suze felt a bit better & that seemed to tip the scale in her favor. Although it was windy (who would've thought we'd be facing tornadoes in October?) & clear, a beautiful fall blue sky. And that meant a road trip to the Secret Garden!
Actually, it's not that secret (Foster Park) but it is quite beautiful. There is a tranquil spot in this park that Suze often goes to clear her head, pray, write, etc. We took a slow walk & enjoyed the beautiful flowers (yes they're still there). It was life-giving to Suze to have the sun on her face, the wind in her hair & allow God to speak to her soul through His creation. I'm amazed at the way God can use nature to bring healing to the mind & spirit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a worshipper of nature; I'm a worshipper of the One who created it all "In the beginning..."
Later in the day, Suze enjoyed a visit with a dear friend who brightened the living room with laughter & conversation. I cleared out, doing household chores (laundry just doesn't stop; where does it all come from?) & other stuff.
We actually enjoyed a moment of hilarity when one of our co-workers emailed us (& other FMC staff) a funny song about the pancreas. It was very Monty Python-Esq, if that tells you anything about it! We laughed hard & were glad to be in a place physically, emotionally & spiritually to do so.
I guess it was the culmination of all of those things that allowed me to hear from God today. It was as if He was saying to me, "Lighten up! Look around you & see what I'm doing. Don't take yourself (or life) so seriously that you miss a chance to enjoy the warmth of the sun on a park bench, the easy conversation with a good friend or the kind of laughter that makes your belly hurt! After all, I created all of this with you in mind."
So, tonight as I head upstairs to put out a teenage crisis & plunge the toilet (seriously), I end with this reminder, spoken by Jesus Himself, about you & about me found in John 10:10. Read it more than once; try substituting your own name for the word "they"; say it aloud as if He is speaking personally to you. And when you do, may you experience God's shalom:
"The thief comes only to steal & kill & destroy; I have come that [YOUR NAME] may have life, & have it to the full."
Actually, it's not that secret (Foster Park) but it is quite beautiful. There is a tranquil spot in this park that Suze often goes to clear her head, pray, write, etc. We took a slow walk & enjoyed the beautiful flowers (yes they're still there). It was life-giving to Suze to have the sun on her face, the wind in her hair & allow God to speak to her soul through His creation. I'm amazed at the way God can use nature to bring healing to the mind & spirit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a worshipper of nature; I'm a worshipper of the One who created it all "In the beginning..."
Later in the day, Suze enjoyed a visit with a dear friend who brightened the living room with laughter & conversation. I cleared out, doing household chores (laundry just doesn't stop; where does it all come from?) & other stuff.
We actually enjoyed a moment of hilarity when one of our co-workers emailed us (& other FMC staff) a funny song about the pancreas. It was very Monty Python-Esq, if that tells you anything about it! We laughed hard & were glad to be in a place physically, emotionally & spiritually to do so.
I guess it was the culmination of all of those things that allowed me to hear from God today. It was as if He was saying to me, "Lighten up! Look around you & see what I'm doing. Don't take yourself (or life) so seriously that you miss a chance to enjoy the warmth of the sun on a park bench, the easy conversation with a good friend or the kind of laughter that makes your belly hurt! After all, I created all of this with you in mind."
So, tonight as I head upstairs to put out a teenage crisis & plunge the toilet (seriously), I end with this reminder, spoken by Jesus Himself, about you & about me found in John 10:10. Read it more than once; try substituting your own name for the word "they"; say it aloud as if He is speaking personally to you. And when you do, may you experience God's shalom:
"The thief comes only to steal & kill & destroy; I have come that [YOUR NAME] may have life, & have it to the full."
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Feasting.
So today started slow and then slowed down a little from there.
But I'm learning that this is the pace & rhythm of my recovering body.
My mind has quite figured it out yet.
We did head back up North to the Docs and got the "grenade" pulled (yahoo! 1 less tube poking out of me) and then Mom & Dad "suzesat" while Kelly went to the office for the first time since surgery.
We also found out at the Doc that I have an infection (kind of common one from all the stuff done to me) that was diagnosed in the hospital but untreated. Sooo....I started on an antibiotic and am hoping to feel better in a day or so. The common thinking is that this untreated "pest" is why I've been having so many low-energy days in a row. Oh the body...it wants to heal itself, sometimes it just needs a little help.
Today though really, has been a day of surprises -- nothing earth-shattering, just two more indicators of the God who's had this whole thing covered.
Suprise1: Just a few moments ago, I was thinking, hmmm...what will we eat tonight? The community has been so generous, so we could do leftovers, use one of the gift cards, or just everybody fend for him/herself -- when a couple from FMC pulls up front (MANY miles from their home) and hauls in BAGS of food & homemade soup. Wow. Such generosity and right on time.
Suprise2:I opened up my email and found a message from my high school basketball coach, reminding me that he was one of the first ones I asked to "look at this thing on my neck", all those years ago right before the very first diagnosis. I have seen him off and on over the years as he has continued to coach and is in the community - but this email was a reminder to me that God has always provided the right people at the right time in my journey -- whether I was a not-so-scrawny freshmen or middle-aged mother of 3. God has ALWAYS known exactly what I need. Coach and his wife have signed up to bring us a meal too -- amazing. He's threatening popcorn -- I hope Judy's cooking!!
I don't know how God surprised you today -- but I bet He did.
And when you see it for what it is -- I bet you'll be feasting just like we are tonight!!
Happy Wednesday All!
Suze
But I'm learning that this is the pace & rhythm of my recovering body.
My mind has quite figured it out yet.
We did head back up North to the Docs and got the "grenade" pulled (yahoo! 1 less tube poking out of me) and then Mom & Dad "suzesat" while Kelly went to the office for the first time since surgery.
We also found out at the Doc that I have an infection (kind of common one from all the stuff done to me) that was diagnosed in the hospital but untreated. Sooo....I started on an antibiotic and am hoping to feel better in a day or so. The common thinking is that this untreated "pest" is why I've been having so many low-energy days in a row. Oh the body...it wants to heal itself, sometimes it just needs a little help.
Today though really, has been a day of surprises -- nothing earth-shattering, just two more indicators of the God who's had this whole thing covered.
Suprise1: Just a few moments ago, I was thinking, hmmm...what will we eat tonight? The community has been so generous, so we could do leftovers, use one of the gift cards, or just everybody fend for him/herself -- when a couple from FMC pulls up front (MANY miles from their home) and hauls in BAGS of food & homemade soup. Wow. Such generosity and right on time.
Suprise2:I opened up my email and found a message from my high school basketball coach, reminding me that he was one of the first ones I asked to "look at this thing on my neck", all those years ago right before the very first diagnosis. I have seen him off and on over the years as he has continued to coach and is in the community - but this email was a reminder to me that God has always provided the right people at the right time in my journey -- whether I was a not-so-scrawny freshmen or middle-aged mother of 3. God has ALWAYS known exactly what I need. Coach and his wife have signed up to bring us a meal too -- amazing. He's threatening popcorn -- I hope Judy's cooking!!
I don't know how God surprised you today -- but I bet He did.
And when you see it for what it is -- I bet you'll be feasting just like we are tonight!!
Happy Wednesday All!
Suze
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday & Monday - Amazing & Ordinary!
SUNDAY - Yesterday I was able to go to the 8:00am service at church. I must say it was good to be back with our FMC family. Singing with the rest of the Body of Christ, seeing good friends & experiencing the power of God's Word (Pastor Dave knocked it out of the park; check out the website at www.fmcfw.org & hear it for yourself!) were good for my soul.
The highlight of the day for me (& later online for Suze) was the "My Journey" video. Each Sunday, we feature the story of an FMC'er living life in the way of Jesus in the hopes that others will be encouraged & challenged in the process. Yesterday the journey of James Elkins was featured. He is a young man who has become very near & dear to our hearts. We were so blessed by his courage, his heart for Christ & his smile -- when James smiles, his whole face lights up! I would encourage you to go to the website & watch the video!
MONDAY - Today we had our "two week" appointment (2 weeks & 4 days, but who's counting?) at Dr. Yahanda's office. Everything is healing well, digestive processes are right where they should be, etc.
Another small victory happened just this afternoon; Dr Yahanda's office called us back this afternoon & gave us the green light for the removal of the drainage tube (technical term is J.P. drain; we call it her "grenade," because that's what it looks like). This will happen tomorrow morning & will leave only the feeding tube which will be removed in two weeks. FYI, she's not using the feeding tube as she's able to take in enough calories by mouth, another praise at this point. However, it has to stay in until the internal healing is further along.
Suze is very dialed into her pacing as she fatigues quickly. She has short bursts of energy where she feels almost normal but then starts to fade. She naps frequently & take short walks throughout the day. Her pain is very minimal & she's not dependent upon the pain meds, only using them when she has to. We're grateful & amazed by her progress but are now in the part of the recovery where restoration is more slow & incremental.
This week I begin my transition back to work (catching up on what's been happening, attending a few meetings, etc.) & anticipate a more normal work schedule by next week. Although I am looking forward to it, I must admit that I've really enjoyed being fully present for Suze, night & day. We are grateful to our family & friends who will be stepping up in this transitional time over the next few weeks.
Thank you for your prayers & support. We are living in the reality of answered prayer on a daily basis & are continually being filled with awe & wonder at God's goodness!
The highlight of the day for me (& later online for Suze) was the "My Journey" video. Each Sunday, we feature the story of an FMC'er living life in the way of Jesus in the hopes that others will be encouraged & challenged in the process. Yesterday the journey of James Elkins was featured. He is a young man who has become very near & dear to our hearts. We were so blessed by his courage, his heart for Christ & his smile -- when James smiles, his whole face lights up! I would encourage you to go to the website & watch the video!
MONDAY - Today we had our "two week" appointment (2 weeks & 4 days, but who's counting?) at Dr. Yahanda's office. Everything is healing well, digestive processes are right where they should be, etc.
Another small victory happened just this afternoon; Dr Yahanda's office called us back this afternoon & gave us the green light for the removal of the drainage tube (technical term is J.P. drain; we call it her "grenade," because that's what it looks like). This will happen tomorrow morning & will leave only the feeding tube which will be removed in two weeks. FYI, she's not using the feeding tube as she's able to take in enough calories by mouth, another praise at this point. However, it has to stay in until the internal healing is further along.
Suze is very dialed into her pacing as she fatigues quickly. She has short bursts of energy where she feels almost normal but then starts to fade. She naps frequently & take short walks throughout the day. Her pain is very minimal & she's not dependent upon the pain meds, only using them when she has to. We're grateful & amazed by her progress but are now in the part of the recovery where restoration is more slow & incremental.
This week I begin my transition back to work (catching up on what's been happening, attending a few meetings, etc.) & anticipate a more normal work schedule by next week. Although I am looking forward to it, I must admit that I've really enjoyed being fully present for Suze, night & day. We are grateful to our family & friends who will be stepping up in this transitional time over the next few weeks.
Thank you for your prayers & support. We are living in the reality of answered prayer on a daily basis & are continually being filled with awe & wonder at God's goodness!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Body Pillows, English Muffins, and Suffering.
So this morning I woke up after sleeping ALL night (thank you very much and praise God for body pillows) and enjoyed my first "normal" breakfast: English Muffin with Peanut Butter & a cup of Coffee. Those of you who know me well, know that not being hungry for this for nearly 2 weeks has been a bit disconcerting -- but all is righting itself it seems!! :)
I also awoke with this thought on my mind: "How would I have done (and continue to do) this all alone?" First of all, I'm so grateful I haven't had to even think about this once - from folks both near and far praying, friends standing close and helping bear the burden. Family & friends taking turns "Suzesitting", the kid's friends family's taking care of them, and the food...oh the food. And then, there has been - Kelly Fair (what love he has shown me). In all this, not once have I had to worry about how to navigate, where to go, or what's coming next.
But I'm not naive enough to think that everyone who goes through something like this has this kind of "army" of love behind them. I saw, and heard, people on my floor at the hospital spend entire days (multiple) all by themselves. Aaaagh, it was almost more painful to me than the actual pain sometimes.
Jesus is pretty clear about how His Kingdom will come and be released thru us -- and not letting others suffering alone is part of that (check out Matthew 25). I don't know what's going to happen inside me as this thought pings around inside my heart and brain -- I just thought I'd invite you into that place to wrestle with me.
Your welcome!!
Hope you're having a great Saturday.
Ours feels almost "usual" (other than the mother with tubes sticking out of her body!!), with chores, overnighter, leaf raking, and rest. I had a great chance to catch up with the oldest and let me tell you, it felt like a balm to my soul.
I hope you receive some balm too -- whatever it is you're needing for today...
God's got it, of that I'm certain.
Blessings!
Suze
I also awoke with this thought on my mind: "How would I have done (and continue to do) this all alone?" First of all, I'm so grateful I haven't had to even think about this once - from folks both near and far praying, friends standing close and helping bear the burden. Family & friends taking turns "Suzesitting", the kid's friends family's taking care of them, and the food...oh the food. And then, there has been - Kelly Fair (what love he has shown me). In all this, not once have I had to worry about how to navigate, where to go, or what's coming next.
 |
| Part of the "crew" who waited it out on surgery day with Kel |
Jesus is pretty clear about how His Kingdom will come and be released thru us -- and not letting others suffering alone is part of that (check out Matthew 25). I don't know what's going to happen inside me as this thought pings around inside my heart and brain -- I just thought I'd invite you into that place to wrestle with me.
Your welcome!!
Hope you're having a great Saturday.
Ours feels almost "usual" (other than the mother with tubes sticking out of her body!!), with chores, overnighter, leaf raking, and rest. I had a great chance to catch up with the oldest and let me tell you, it felt like a balm to my soul.
I hope you receive some balm too -- whatever it is you're needing for today...
God's got it, of that I'm certain.
Blessings!
Suze
Thursday, October 21, 2010
2 weeks and moving forward.
Today has been a great day!
All systems are "go" -- if you know what I mean (and if you don't, I'm just not explaining).
This has been a small concern of ours, "is everything awake in there?" -- and now we know the answer!
Thanks to you who have prayed a prayer you thought you'd never pray...
He answers them all friends!! :)
I've been doing a lot of thinking about Nurses lately.
As you can imagine, being in the hospital for 12 days -- you meet a lot of these amazing men & women.
We were in awe as we watched them be experts in the areas of pain, comfort, progress, family dynamics, nutrition, crisis management, psychology, ice chips, crowd control, and so many other things. They are not only Medical Professional but also, Mom, Coach, Teacher, Counselor, Companion, & Advocate working hard at being present and yet not hovering as you're hurting. The best -- exude a sense of confidence, that all will be well if you'll just trust the plan that's in play. This is an amazing role in the life of one who is recovering.
But here's where my thoughts have gone recently...
Aren't we all called to be these things, to some degree, for each other?
You don't have to go through a major surgery to need someone with you. Sometimes life is just hard and you need someone, anyone, to stand with you in it. To listen, coach, teach, love, advocate...
This kind of nursing doesn't require passing Anatomy & Physiology either.
It just requires Us - fully present, willing to stand with.
So, here's a great, big, huge THANK YOU to all the Nurses I know -- Registered or otherwise.
And to the rest of us, let's go get a stethoscope and see what we can do!!
Happy Thursday!
Suze
All systems are "go" -- if you know what I mean (and if you don't, I'm just not explaining).
This has been a small concern of ours, "is everything awake in there?" -- and now we know the answer!
Thanks to you who have prayed a prayer you thought you'd never pray...
He answers them all friends!! :)
I've been doing a lot of thinking about Nurses lately.
As you can imagine, being in the hospital for 12 days -- you meet a lot of these amazing men & women.
We were in awe as we watched them be experts in the areas of pain, comfort, progress, family dynamics, nutrition, crisis management, psychology, ice chips, crowd control, and so many other things. They are not only Medical Professional but also, Mom, Coach, Teacher, Counselor, Companion, & Advocate working hard at being present and yet not hovering as you're hurting. The best -- exude a sense of confidence, that all will be well if you'll just trust the plan that's in play. This is an amazing role in the life of one who is recovering.
But here's where my thoughts have gone recently...
Aren't we all called to be these things, to some degree, for each other?
You don't have to go through a major surgery to need someone with you. Sometimes life is just hard and you need someone, anyone, to stand with you in it. To listen, coach, teach, love, advocate...
This kind of nursing doesn't require passing Anatomy & Physiology either.
It just requires Us - fully present, willing to stand with.
So, here's a great, big, huge THANK YOU to all the Nurses I know -- Registered or otherwise.
And to the rest of us, let's go get a stethoscope and see what we can do!!
Happy Thursday!
Suze
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Recovery - Day 13 - The "Eyes" Have It!
Wednesday, 10.20.10 - It occurs to me that 25 years ago this week (Sweetest Day, to be exact), I proposed to the love of my life, asking her to be my partner in the adventure of our live. The best par of that day was her response - the energetic "Yes!" that was expressed not only in her voice but through her eyes.
As I thought of that sacred turning point in our relationship nearly a quarter of a century before (That makes us sound ancient) in light of this recent stretch of physical, emotional & spiritual challenge, I find myself feeling grateful for the opportunity of loving & being loved well by Suze.
Someone once said, "The soul that can speak with its eyes can also kiss with a gaze." I believe that's exactly what I've experienced every time I've held her gaze. It was her eyes that grabbed my attention when we first met in the choir loft where the altos ended & the tenors began, quickening my heart rate. It was through her eyes that I first experienced the painful realization that I had hurt her deeply & it was through her eyes that I experienced true forgiveness in spite of that hurt. When we first held each of our children, liquid joy from her heart poured out of her eyes. More recently, it was in the moments just before we parted in the hallway leading to the OR, where we experienced a very brief but very intimate transaction of appreciation & longing for a lifetime of "Yes!" In that moment, no words needed to be spoken!
I am grateful for this beautiful life we have been privileged to share together. I am grateful for her eyes that still reflect the deep love & passion first for God & then for me; one that that burns white-hot within her. Thank you God for granting us this time we have together, for bringing into my life one who has loved me so well. And thank you God for the windows into her heart through which I see you!
As I thought of that sacred turning point in our relationship nearly a quarter of a century before (That makes us sound ancient) in light of this recent stretch of physical, emotional & spiritual challenge, I find myself feeling grateful for the opportunity of loving & being loved well by Suze.
Someone once said, "The soul that can speak with its eyes can also kiss with a gaze." I believe that's exactly what I've experienced every time I've held her gaze. It was her eyes that grabbed my attention when we first met in the choir loft where the altos ended & the tenors began, quickening my heart rate. It was through her eyes that I first experienced the painful realization that I had hurt her deeply & it was through her eyes that I experienced true forgiveness in spite of that hurt. When we first held each of our children, liquid joy from her heart poured out of her eyes. More recently, it was in the moments just before we parted in the hallway leading to the OR, where we experienced a very brief but very intimate transaction of appreciation & longing for a lifetime of "Yes!" In that moment, no words needed to be spoken!
I am grateful for this beautiful life we have been privileged to share together. I am grateful for her eyes that still reflect the deep love & passion first for God & then for me; one that that burns white-hot within her. Thank you God for granting us this time we have together, for bringing into my life one who has loved me so well. And thank you God for the windows into her heart through which I see you!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Day12 - A new rythm.
So, we're wrapping up our first full day at home and I'm left wondering...
How will I be in my home, with time on my hands, but no energy or "permission" to do all the projects (little and big) that I've been waiting until I had some time on my hands to do?
Well, if today's any indicator, it will be a one day at a time kind of thing.
But, the good part of this awareness -- is that I am definately feeling much better.
Today was a day of rest, short walk outside, rest, sit on the porch, rest, another short walk, learn how to knit, and rest some more. So grateful for the beautiful weather so that I could sit on the porch and really soak up a gorgeous Indiana Fall day. Made me remember again why I love our neighborhood so very much.
Tonight the 'rents came over to visit and my brother Rob (and fam) came by to fix the one and only light in our one and only bathroom on the main floor (kind of important for me as I'm hanging out primarily on the main floor). Good to have a handy man in the family, for sure!!
Tomorrow Amy heads home.
I know Kelly already talked about her -- but today it's my turn.
This young woman has been amazing.
She's fun, she's creative, she's practical, calm, not afraid of anything connected to any part of my procedure or recovery, and she's just so easy to love.
I'm grateful for ALL the help, but mostly for her being willing to be my "morning buddy". This allowed Kel time to be away from the hospital to regroup, catch a nap, and just breathe.
Thank you Amy for the very real ways you have loved all 5 of us.
Christmas can't come fast enough!!
Tomorrow is also my dear Mother's birthday. A bit of a bummer for me this year as I won't have the energy to really celebrate every one of her amazing 75 years. I'm sure my Dad has some special plans for her!
Time to hit the hay, but because I'm still on the hospital rhythm -- it's just now bedtime (midnight) and I'm sure I'll be up again @1:3, 3:3, & 5:3. But I will be waking up at HOME and for that I can't stop being so very grateful.
We continue to figure out how to re-integrate as all 5 of us. The last 2 weeks have been hard on all of us. So, we thank you for keeping us in your prayers. We are praying for many of you as well.
Still amazed at God's goodness and provision,
Suze
How will I be in my home, with time on my hands, but no energy or "permission" to do all the projects (little and big) that I've been waiting until I had some time on my hands to do?
Well, if today's any indicator, it will be a one day at a time kind of thing.
But, the good part of this awareness -- is that I am definately feeling much better.
Today was a day of rest, short walk outside, rest, sit on the porch, rest, another short walk, learn how to knit, and rest some more. So grateful for the beautiful weather so that I could sit on the porch and really soak up a gorgeous Indiana Fall day. Made me remember again why I love our neighborhood so very much.
Tonight the 'rents came over to visit and my brother Rob (and fam) came by to fix the one and only light in our one and only bathroom on the main floor (kind of important for me as I'm hanging out primarily on the main floor). Good to have a handy man in the family, for sure!!
Tomorrow Amy heads home.
 |
| This is Amy. In a hat. Drinking Coffee. |
This young woman has been amazing.
She's fun, she's creative, she's practical, calm, not afraid of anything connected to any part of my procedure or recovery, and she's just so easy to love.
I'm grateful for ALL the help, but mostly for her being willing to be my "morning buddy". This allowed Kel time to be away from the hospital to regroup, catch a nap, and just breathe.
Thank you Amy for the very real ways you have loved all 5 of us.
Christmas can't come fast enough!!
Tomorrow is also my dear Mother's birthday. A bit of a bummer for me this year as I won't have the energy to really celebrate every one of her amazing 75 years. I'm sure my Dad has some special plans for her!
Time to hit the hay, but because I'm still on the hospital rhythm -- it's just now bedtime (midnight) and I'm sure I'll be up again @1:3, 3:3, & 5:3. But I will be waking up at HOME and for that I can't stop being so very grateful.
We continue to figure out how to re-integrate as all 5 of us. The last 2 weeks have been hard on all of us. So, we thank you for keeping us in your prayers. We are praying for many of you as well.
Still amazed at God's goodness and provision,
Suze
Monday, October 18, 2010
Recovery - Day 11: There's No Place Like Home!
This was a surprise to us, as every indicator pointed to a homecoming later in the week. However, during our 6:45am walk on the 6th floor, we saw Dr. Yahanda (our surgeon) who stopped & with a surprised look on his face asked, "What are you still doing here?" (He had been off for a 3-day weekend & thought she was already home). A short time later after his morning examination, he gave the release she'd been hoping for.
Of course, I kicked it in gear & had us packed & ready to go 10 minutes after he left the room...but we didn't actually get to leave until afternoon. I guess hurry-up-&-wait is hospital-time when it comes to paper work, post-op orders & instructions. Maybe I shouldn't have had that triple-shot espresso this morning...
During our walk this morning, we had the opportunity to interact with both the night & day shifts of nurses we'd been privileged to meet over the last 12 days. They were absolutely amazing & we had ample opportunity to thank them & express our gratitude. They gave us a card with personal notes by each of them to Suze expressing their joy & good wishes for her continued recovery. That was very meaningful!
Now we shift gears to the in-home recovery phase that will offer uninterrupted sleep, the comfort of what's familiar, the gift of home-cooked meals & the opporutnity to reconnect with our kids. Ben, Katie & Mackenzie have missed us & our consistent presence together in our home & we've missed them too - love, chaos & all!
There will be some challenges for us over the next few weeks as we adjust to the "new post-surgery normal." The kids will have to make space in their routine to accomodate the patient, helping out around the house, keeping the laundry piles down (a challenge) & not overwhelming Suze with their excitement. Suze will have to relax & pace herself, giving plenty of time to rest & be restored over the next month-&-a-half. I plan on catching up on my sleep here & there, as well as keeping things running smoothly around the house.
I would like to take a moment to publically thank our niece, Amy Elizabeth Hoffman who gave up a week of work to love our family well. Her presence in our home made it possible for me to give Suze more attention & focus, offering some stablity to our kids in this uncertain season. Whether it was shuttling kids to & from school, keeping them on task with homework or just hanging out for some serious "cuz" bonding, she was a gift! Of course, her presence at the hospital with Suze in the mornings which allowed me to run home, shower, nap or run errands was an amazing thing. We have been blessed by this beautiful, creative, full-of-life young woman's presence & will miss her greatly when she heads back home later in the week!
Well, that's enough for now. Thanks for your prayer, support & love. It has sustained us over these last two weeks!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Recovery -Day 10. Uugh.
Well friends, I'm writing you tonight from my hospital room.
The SAME room, with the same bed, same walls, same little bathroom (1954 plumbing?), and the same, well...everything.
But what isn't the same -- thank you LORD! - is that I'm feeling so much better.
Another good day of progress today, for sure.
We haven't seen our surgeon in a couple days (he had the audacity to take time with his family :)!), so in the morning we'll find out what the plan for the next couple days might be and hopefully HOME is a part of that plan.
I really miss home. I miss the smells (yep even the stinky dog), the sounds, and the rhythm that is "home". I'm so grateful for the care I've received here at Parkview Main (let's hear it for the neighborhood hospital) and wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere but here to go through this process -- but still...
My heart is longing for home.
But for now, this is where I am. The spot where Kelly sleeps beside me in his very own hospital bed every night (he's rather amazing), where I've received such amazing care from nurses like Lisa, Melissa, Sharon, Sheryl, Tyler, Abby, Jen, & Pam, and where my next steps toward healing will be determined.
Although I surely would have picked a different way...I'm learning a lot about that saying I've heard all my life, but never believed was "for" me... Slow and steady wins the race.
So for now, I'll sign off thanking you for your friendship, your prayers, your emails, notes, flowers, Fall leaves, comments here, texts to Kelly, meals to my children & Amy, and just simply...your care.
Slowly, steadily...
Suze
In case you forgot...It's not cancer.
Just sayin'.
 |
| Beauty even in the hospital room - that's me snoozing (I do that alot) in the background. |
But what isn't the same -- thank you LORD! - is that I'm feeling so much better.
Another good day of progress today, for sure.
We haven't seen our surgeon in a couple days (he had the audacity to take time with his family :)!), so in the morning we'll find out what the plan for the next couple days might be and hopefully HOME is a part of that plan.
I really miss home. I miss the smells (yep even the stinky dog), the sounds, and the rhythm that is "home". I'm so grateful for the care I've received here at Parkview Main (let's hear it for the neighborhood hospital) and wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere but here to go through this process -- but still...
My heart is longing for home.
But for now, this is where I am. The spot where Kelly sleeps beside me in his very own hospital bed every night (he's rather amazing), where I've received such amazing care from nurses like Lisa, Melissa, Sharon, Sheryl, Tyler, Abby, Jen, & Pam, and where my next steps toward healing will be determined.
Although I surely would have picked a different way...I'm learning a lot about that saying I've heard all my life, but never believed was "for" me... Slow and steady wins the race.
So for now, I'll sign off thanking you for your friendship, your prayers, your emails, notes, flowers, Fall leaves, comments here, texts to Kelly, meals to my children & Amy, and just simply...your care.
Slowly, steadily...
Suze
In case you forgot...It's not cancer.
Just sayin'.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Recovery - Day 9.2
There are lots of reasons why the surgery Suze had is so complicated & involves such a long hospital stay, not the least of which is the re-engineering of her digestive process. Many parts must be removed, re-routed & then reconnected. Then the human body must "re-learn" how it's supposed to function. It's amazing how God designed our bodies!
That's why dietary progression is so important. The movement from ice chips to clear liquids all the way to solid food must be carefully coordinated with the healing that's taking place internally. Add to that each patients' uniqueness & it becomes more art than science in deducing the right timing. Too slow & the healing process might stall; too fast & it might be compromised or at least set-back.
That's exactly where we are right now. The medical staff has been working with us in a sort of trial-&-effort approach in helping Suze figure out her best dietary progression. Two days ago, the medical staff thought Suze was ready for solid food based on how well she was tolerating soft foods. We were wrong & it was a costly decision for Suze, sending her into a perpetual state of nausea for well over 24 hours.
Now, after a day of quiet rest & ice chips (she feels much better), Suze is back on liquids & will soon be moving into the soft food phase. Understandably she is a bit gun-shy, not wanting a repeat of those miserable 24 hours. Yet we know for healing to continue & for her to be released from the hospital, her digestive system must be "awake" & functional.
Please keep us in your prayers for this specific process (see prayer section) tomorrow & over the next few days. God has brought us a long way in a short time & we are trusting Him to be the Great Physician, directing & overseeing our medical team - whether they know it or not. His timing is always best & exactly right.
We love you & we appreciate your faithful support of Suze & our entire family. It is a privilege to count you as our family & friends!
That's why dietary progression is so important. The movement from ice chips to clear liquids all the way to solid food must be carefully coordinated with the healing that's taking place internally. Add to that each patients' uniqueness & it becomes more art than science in deducing the right timing. Too slow & the healing process might stall; too fast & it might be compromised or at least set-back.
That's exactly where we are right now. The medical staff has been working with us in a sort of trial-&-effort approach in helping Suze figure out her best dietary progression. Two days ago, the medical staff thought Suze was ready for solid food based on how well she was tolerating soft foods. We were wrong & it was a costly decision for Suze, sending her into a perpetual state of nausea for well over 24 hours.
Now, after a day of quiet rest & ice chips (she feels much better), Suze is back on liquids & will soon be moving into the soft food phase. Understandably she is a bit gun-shy, not wanting a repeat of those miserable 24 hours. Yet we know for healing to continue & for her to be released from the hospital, her digestive system must be "awake" & functional.
Please keep us in your prayers for this specific process (see prayer section) tomorrow & over the next few days. God has brought us a long way in a short time & we are trusting Him to be the Great Physician, directing & overseeing our medical team - whether they know it or not. His timing is always best & exactly right.
We love you & we appreciate your faithful support of Suze & our entire family. It is a privilege to count you as our family & friends!
Recovery - Day 9.1 - Prayer Update
In our blog entry yesterday, I updated you about the tough time Suze was having with regard to her nausea & ability to keep anything down. We were told that if it continued through the night, they might have to put the NG tube back in - something neither of us wanted to see happen. This was summarized in the Prayer section so we could all agree in prayer together about specific needs & outcomes. Following is a quick summary of answered prayer:
Thank you for your prayer last night & this morning!
- Pray for the nausea & vomiting to stop - ANSWERED! As of 8pm last night, her nausea subsided & her stomach settled down! I had gone to grab a bite to eat & when I returned, her color had returned & the discomfort she had been experiencing since midnight Thursday/Friday, was gone.
- Pray for rest - ANSWERED! In spite of the every two-hour routine by our night nurse (something we had initiated in response to the nausea) Suze was (& still is at the time of this entry) able to rest. Our niece Amy, a licensed massage therapist from North Carolina who has graciously served our family this past week, gave Suze the gift of a gentle massage. God utilized this gift of touch to relax & refresh her. Thank you Amy!
- Pray for strength in her spirit - ANSWERED! Suze was able to relax & receive the comfort of the Good Shepherd. The troubled look in her countenance was replaced by one of peace & calm.
- Pray for consistency in the shift change - ANSWERED! Lisa, our wonderful nurse, passed the baton to Sharon, an RN we've never had before & she was outstanding! Her gentle spirit (much appreciated during the nighttime hours) & consistent adherence to the new protocols helped bring stability to Suze throughout the night.
Thank you for your prayer last night & this morning!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Recovery - Day 8 - Still A Step Ahead
"2 steps forward & 1 step back," that's what a very wise nurse told us early in the week & today Suze experienced that reality. As you recall, yesterday we were planning for her early departure (scheduled for today). However, last night, Suze began experiencing nausea & at midnight, was unable to keep anything down. This continued throughout the morning & afternoon.
One of the possibilities was having to put the NG tube back in (drainage tube through nose down to stomach), the thought of which was extremely discouraging to Suze & to me. The bulk of the morning was spent trying to figure out cause (pain med reaction, intestinal issue, leak, etc.) & make Suze comfortable in the meantime.
Here's where we stand now:
Until further notice, Suze will remain in the hospital. She's going to have to "ride this one out" until her stomach rights itself. This is not unusual; it's often part of the process of recovery with this procedure. Pray for her endurance mentally, spiritually as well as physically. As you can imagine, the mental battle to keep the big picture in perspective is very difficult. So we are reminding one another that while she feels cruddy right now, SHE STILL DOES NOT HAVE CANCER! Sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees.
Here's what we're grateful for today:
Lisa, the most amazing nurse in the world just "happened" to be here today
Our kids are going to hang out with our friends in Noblesville for the weekend & have some fun
Our prayer warriors were praying during the worst part of the day today
The view outside our window is spectacular with the blue sky & autumn leaves
Suze doesn't have cancer (I know I said it before but I just needed to hear myself say it one more time)
Personal Note: We were so blessed today to attend the wedding or our friends, Kyle & Heather Smith live via streaming video at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. We were supposed to be there for the ceremony but our current circumstances prevented us from attending. They have been & continue to be a blessing to both of us as we have been privileged to walk with them in these months leading up to their ceremony. They told us that they wanted us to be part of the wedding & so we had a front-row seat in Suze's hospital bed as they tied the knot & watched the spectacular fountains dance! After the ceremony, they sent a very encouraging message & that really made our hearts full.
So if you'll permit us, we'd like to send a very personal word back to them via this blog post:
Heather & Kyle,
We love you & we love it that you have found one another. From His infinite vantage point, God saw how fulfilling it would be for you to follow Jesus together rather than separately. He saw a spring of living water bubbling out of your relationship that would not only saturate you but drench anyone standing near. May you love one another well, pursuing Christ together as your greatest priority. And may that pursuit result in over-the-top, circumstance-defying, life-giving joy that brings you strength & is contagious to everyone you meet.
We Love YOU!
One of the possibilities was having to put the NG tube back in (drainage tube through nose down to stomach), the thought of which was extremely discouraging to Suze & to me. The bulk of the morning was spent trying to figure out cause (pain med reaction, intestinal issue, leak, etc.) & make Suze comfortable in the meantime.
Here's where we stand now:
- All pain meds have been eliminated except for the one she controls via the pump; medication is definitely not the cause.
- They think what is happening is that the digestive system is not yet fully on-line; the stomach & intestines are out-of-sync
- Her diet has been pulled back to ice chips only until the stomach regulates itself
- She will not have to have the NG tube (as long as nausea will stop)
Until further notice, Suze will remain in the hospital. She's going to have to "ride this one out" until her stomach rights itself. This is not unusual; it's often part of the process of recovery with this procedure. Pray for her endurance mentally, spiritually as well as physically. As you can imagine, the mental battle to keep the big picture in perspective is very difficult. So we are reminding one another that while she feels cruddy right now, SHE STILL DOES NOT HAVE CANCER! Sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees.
Here's what we're grateful for today:
Lisa, the most amazing nurse in the world just "happened" to be here today
Our kids are going to hang out with our friends in Noblesville for the weekend & have some fun
Our prayer warriors were praying during the worst part of the day today
The view outside our window is spectacular with the blue sky & autumn leaves
Suze doesn't have cancer (I know I said it before but I just needed to hear myself say it one more time)
Personal Note: We were so blessed today to attend the wedding or our friends, Kyle & Heather Smith live via streaming video at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. We were supposed to be there for the ceremony but our current circumstances prevented us from attending. They have been & continue to be a blessing to both of us as we have been privileged to walk with them in these months leading up to their ceremony. They told us that they wanted us to be part of the wedding & so we had a front-row seat in Suze's hospital bed as they tied the knot & watched the spectacular fountains dance! After the ceremony, they sent a very encouraging message & that really made our hearts full.
So if you'll permit us, we'd like to send a very personal word back to them via this blog post:
Heather & Kyle,
We love you & we love it that you have found one another. From His infinite vantage point, God saw how fulfilling it would be for you to follow Jesus together rather than separately. He saw a spring of living water bubbling out of your relationship that would not only saturate you but drench anyone standing near. May you love one another well, pursuing Christ together as your greatest priority. And may that pursuit result in over-the-top, circumstance-defying, life-giving joy that brings you strength & is contagious to everyone you meet.
We Love YOU!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day 7. Restoration.
To me, the human body has always been a crazy thing.
Mostly what we see on the outside...
Kinda wide or maybe a little on the thin side.
Drop dead gorgeous or well, you know...he's really fun to be with.
The basketball coach's dream player or directionally challenged.
Sharp dressed, thrown together, awkward, poised, easy to be with or, not.
But all these things just can't capture the absolutely amazing thing that is the human body.
Mine's a stunner.
Not the outside. Nope, I'm talking about what's happening RIGHT NOW inside the core of my body (and yours too). Something that was broken yesterday or maybe had even died (a cell, a connection, some tissue?) is being knit back together.
All in a place we cannot see or label other than calling it what it is...
MIRACULOUS!
And because of this miraculous, hidden healing taking place in me - it looks like I'm going home tomorrow.
What?
A week ago today I was just waking up in the ICU and tomorrow - just 8 days later - I will walk back into our home and start the process of whatever is next. Lots of naps. A little reading. Another nap. More than 20 minutes with the kids and HOME.
Sounds pretty all-right to me, for sure.
As Kelly said yesterday in his prayer section -- we can't thank you enough.
Your prayers, food, notes, beautiful flowers, thoughtful gestures to the kids, pieces of borrowed furniture, and just your generous outpour of LOVE.
We are blessed and grateful.
Please continue your prayers, trust and hope.
This support continues to be a platform to stand on that is unshakeable.
And now, before I get into this hospital bed for the last night (unless something odd happens, which could happen), let me just say that we're praying for you too.
When you have looked your brokenness in its face, asked God to stand with you in it, and then walked toward it, you are stronger. Period. So, we'll pray that way for you -- if you'll do the same for us every day.
We'll keep you posted!!
Tired but grateful,
Suze
Mostly what we see on the outside...
Kinda wide or maybe a little on the thin side.
Drop dead gorgeous or well, you know...he's really fun to be with.
The basketball coach's dream player or directionally challenged.
Sharp dressed, thrown together, awkward, poised, easy to be with or, not.
But all these things just can't capture the absolutely amazing thing that is the human body.
Mine's a stunner.
Not the outside. Nope, I'm talking about what's happening RIGHT NOW inside the core of my body (and yours too). Something that was broken yesterday or maybe had even died (a cell, a connection, some tissue?) is being knit back together.
All in a place we cannot see or label other than calling it what it is...
MIRACULOUS!
And because of this miraculous, hidden healing taking place in me - it looks like I'm going home tomorrow.
What?
A week ago today I was just waking up in the ICU and tomorrow - just 8 days later - I will walk back into our home and start the process of whatever is next. Lots of naps. A little reading. Another nap. More than 20 minutes with the kids and HOME.
Sounds pretty all-right to me, for sure.
As Kelly said yesterday in his prayer section -- we can't thank you enough.
Your prayers, food, notes, beautiful flowers, thoughtful gestures to the kids, pieces of borrowed furniture, and just your generous outpour of LOVE.
We are blessed and grateful.
Please continue your prayers, trust and hope.
This support continues to be a platform to stand on that is unshakeable.
And now, before I get into this hospital bed for the last night (unless something odd happens, which could happen), let me just say that we're praying for you too.
When you have looked your brokenness in its face, asked God to stand with you in it, and then walked toward it, you are stronger. Period. So, we'll pray that way for you -- if you'll do the same for us every day.
We'll keep you posted!!
Tired but grateful,
Suze
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Recovery - Day 6: Good News
Well, the best news that I can think of to share with you this morning is that Jesus walked right out of heaven and started walking (as soon as He could) to Calvary. And there...well, for me (and I know, lots of you) that's where IT all started.
That, is the best news ever.
Period.
And next to that, I've had some other really good news in my life.
Kelly loved me enough to take a chance on me (it's working out pretty good).
A woman in Michigan decided we were the right parents for the baby in her belly she wouldn't be able to parent. Ben is the result.
Katie was coming, Katie was coming!!
Mackenzie would arrive on the scene 4 short years later.
Our parents (& still 1 Grand) and 4 sibs+ spouses & their kids, are really special people, who want life's best for us.
We have great friends who are willing to dream and fight and love and risk with us.
And today, Dr. Yahanda walked into my room at Parkview and said...
"It's NOT Cancer".
So, the recovery continues with this deep understanding that we are firmly standing on a foundation made up of the BEST NEWS EVER, and then we walk toward whatever's next out of that spot.
We know many of you have been right alongside us fighting, praying, trusting, believing, and hoping for this good news.
We thank you.
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.
Kelly will have more later.
For now, I'm sitting in my very uncomfortable, "when am I ever going to find the right setting for this contraption!", hospital bed, watching the sun, clouds, and sky start their day too.
And mostly...
CELEBRATING!!
Suze & Kelly too!!
That, is the best news ever.
Period.
And next to that, I've had some other really good news in my life.
Kelly loved me enough to take a chance on me (it's working out pretty good).
A woman in Michigan decided we were the right parents for the baby in her belly she wouldn't be able to parent. Ben is the result.
Katie was coming, Katie was coming!!
Mackenzie would arrive on the scene 4 short years later.
Our parents (& still 1 Grand) and 4 sibs+ spouses & their kids, are really special people, who want life's best for us.
We have great friends who are willing to dream and fight and love and risk with us.
And today, Dr. Yahanda walked into my room at Parkview and said...
"It's NOT Cancer".
So, the recovery continues with this deep understanding that we are firmly standing on a foundation made up of the BEST NEWS EVER, and then we walk toward whatever's next out of that spot.
We know many of you have been right alongside us fighting, praying, trusting, believing, and hoping for this good news.
We thank you.
Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.
Kelly will have more later.
For now, I'm sitting in my very uncomfortable, "when am I ever going to find the right setting for this contraption!", hospital bed, watching the sun, clouds, and sky start their day too.
And mostly...
CELEBRATING!!
Suze & Kelly too!!
Recovery - Day 5
Today was a good day! Suze found a good rhythm of walking, sitting, & resting that seemed to have a positive impact on her general well-being. She also settled into a healthy cadence in terms of her pain management therapy, allowing her to anticipate her needs before the pain got too far down the road.
Here are some of the "wins" of this day:
Here are some of the "wins" of this day:
- Dr. Yahanda was pleased with Suze's progress
- Suze got the "green light" to drink clear liquids. Did you know that coffee is considered a clear liquid? Can you say "Starbucks?" Suze did!
- With the exception of the feeding tube, a drain & her IV, Suze has been disconnected from all of those other nasty tubes & wires
- Suze got to spend some time with our niece Amy this morning...very special for her!
- I got to get outside the hospital & connect with two friends...& talk about things other than hospitals & feeding tubes!
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Psalm 107:1
Monday, October 11, 2010
Recovery - Day 4: Turning A Corner
Wow! When Suze turns a corner, she does it with a flair! If you've been reading our blog, you'd know that yesterday had been a pretty rough day - a sleepless night followed by lots of pain, weakness, etc. A friend was going to stay with Suze in the room overnight so that I could sleep. I had taken the kids home from a quick visit & then returned a couple of hours later to drop off some necessary items.
Between 6:00pm-8:30pm, something had shifted, because I returned to find Suze sitting up, lucid & a bit more energetic. She stared at me for a couple of seconds & asked, "So, when are you going to shave that beard?" (I had started growing out the chin whiskers for the fall). I thought to myself, "She's back!"
This morning was more of the same. I came in about 7:45am in order to see the Doc as he made his rounds but he had already been there & left. I found out that before I arrived, that she had felt like standing up & walked (with some help) out of the room into the hall, touched the wall opposite her door & returned to the bed. This was HUGE!
So, here's where we are so far in this day of milestones & victories:
I am amazed by God's healing power, the way His timing is always perfect & the lengths he will go to reveal His Kingdom for all to see. Suze & I give God all of the credit for healing in this process of recovery. He orchestrated everything from the selection of doctors & nurses to the application of drugs & treatment protocols.
So, thanks for your prayers. We are blessed & it is VERY good to see some light back in Suze's eyes. She still has a long way to go, but she is hopeful & we're all encouraged.
Selah!
Between 6:00pm-8:30pm, something had shifted, because I returned to find Suze sitting up, lucid & a bit more energetic. She stared at me for a couple of seconds & asked, "So, when are you going to shave that beard?" (I had started growing out the chin whiskers for the fall). I thought to myself, "She's back!"
This morning was more of the same. I came in about 7:45am in order to see the Doc as he made his rounds but he had already been there & left. I found out that before I arrived, that she had felt like standing up & walked (with some help) out of the room into the hall, touched the wall opposite her door & returned to the bed. This was HUGE!
So, here's where we are so far in this day of milestones & victories:
- Dr. Yohanda was very pleased with her progress, saying that as of today, she was "days ahead of the curve in her recovery..."
- They were able to remove the epidural & so far have been managing the pain very well with a different kind of drug (pain level is a bit higher but tolerable with no side effects).
- They are looking at removing another line or two in the next day or so if this trend continues
- They are upping the food (via tube) to a richer mix & amount - mmmm, good!
I am amazed by God's healing power, the way His timing is always perfect & the lengths he will go to reveal His Kingdom for all to see. Suze & I give God all of the credit for healing in this process of recovery. He orchestrated everything from the selection of doctors & nurses to the application of drugs & treatment protocols.
So, thanks for your prayers. We are blessed & it is VERY good to see some light back in Suze's eyes. She still has a long way to go, but she is hopeful & we're all encouraged.
Selah!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Recovery - Day 3
Today is Sunday (10/10/10, if you're wondering) & Suze spent her first full night & day in the private room. She is blessed not to have a roomate as "privacy" & "hospital" are antithetical to one another. A friend spent the night with Suze in the room so that I could grab some sleep in our bed at home (of course I hadn't been outside all day to know that it was 88 degrees; I guess I switched to flannel sheets too early!). That was a gift to both Suze & to me.
Her night was pretty uncomfortable & she never did get into a deep sleep. That made today more difficult as she was already exhausted. Our Doctor came by this morning & was pleased with her progress but as far as Suze is concerned she still feels like...honestly...crap! Right now, it's the small blessings for which we are grateful:
We love you & appreciate the ways you are loving us!
Her night was pretty uncomfortable & she never did get into a deep sleep. That made today more difficult as she was already exhausted. Our Doctor came by this morning & was pleased with her progress but as far as Suze is concerned she still feels like...honestly...crap! Right now, it's the small blessings for which we are grateful:
- Blood sugars are staying in a good range, so no insulin (the pancreas produces insulin) injections required since the very first night
- She got out of bed twice today & shuffled (no small task given all the tubes & wires) to a chair, sitting upright for 30 minutes in the morning & 90 minutes in the afternoon
- She was able to keep the epidural for another couple of days in order to help manage pain
- Pain Management - soon she'll be off the epidural & will have to utilize other meds to deal with her pain (which is HUGE!). She's a bit anxious about it as she's allergic to one drug & another is causing bad dreams & a "loopey" feeling in head. Please pray for wisdom on the doctor's part & peace on ours
- Family Duress - needless to say the Fair 5 are lacking equiliberium these days. We expected it but now that we're in it, we're doing our best to cope. There are some big short-term losses for the kids (mom being the obvious one) & we're feeling a bit scattered & disconnected. Please pray specifically for Ben, Katie & Mackenzie as they are doing their best to navigate through this time. Please pray for wisdom on my part to catch what's happening in the moment with our kids in order to love them well.
We love you & appreciate the ways you are loving us!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Recovery - Day 2 1/2
Suze made the switch from ICU to a private room late this afternoon but getting there was pretty rough. Suffice to say, the "right hand" hadn't coordinated with the "left hand" from department to department & Suze got caught in a chair in "no-man's-land for a while. The charge nurse on her floor lived up to her title & took charge, staying long after her shift ended to see that Suze was comfortable. I was grateful for her effort & her compassion. Suze was pretty whipped when she finally got settled & has been sleeping since.
She should get some rest now that she's out of the ICU & that's exactly what she needs! A close friend is going to stay the night with her, allowing me to get a good night's sleep in my own bed. The simple pleasures are the very best!
She should get some rest now that she's out of the ICU & that's exactly what she needs! A close friend is going to stay the night with her, allowing me to get a good night's sleep in my own bed. The simple pleasures are the very best!
Recovery - Day 2
Today is going to be a big transition day for Suze. The day started early for her as they moved her from the bed into a chair. I spoke with the surgeon this morning after his exam & he was quite pleased with her progress. They are going to:
That's why we're asking you, our friends, to give Suze some space over the several days. Though your visits are much appreciated, her reservoir of strength & energy is very low & must be focused on her recovery.
However, your emails, cards, texts & prayers are very welcome. In fact, they are very meaningful, especially as she needs encouragement when her fatigue is high. If you know Suze, you know that words of affirmation are one of her most important love languages & receiving them from you in written form is a gift she gets to "unwrap" over & over, when she needs it most.
I spent another night here last night & feel okay...tired...but okay! The joy of the Lord is my strength & I find myself "bouncing back" to joy from whatever fatigue or irritation (like when the new nurse wouldn't let me back into Suze's room earlier this morning because she didn't want to deviate from their protocols...are you kidding me?). God reminds me that He's got it & that seems to right-size a lot of things, allowing me to shift my perspective. When that happens, i find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for His mercies which are new every morning. BOING! Did you hear that? I just bounced back to joy again!
Your prayers are making a huge difference in this process, transforming Suze's suffering and my fatigue into healing & blessing. I am grateful for this position of dependency upon God & upon his people as it is opening us up to something new.
By the way, Jesus showed up in the ICU room again yesterday in her new night nurse, a guy named Al whose attentiveness & advocacy for Suze resulted in more effective pain management a feeling of being refreshed. If Jesus wore scrubs, I think He'd look a lot like Al!
- Get her up to walk a bit
- Increase the feeding to twice daily (via tube)
- Move her from ICU to a room
That's why we're asking you, our friends, to give Suze some space over the several days. Though your visits are much appreciated, her reservoir of strength & energy is very low & must be focused on her recovery.
However, your emails, cards, texts & prayers are very welcome. In fact, they are very meaningful, especially as she needs encouragement when her fatigue is high. If you know Suze, you know that words of affirmation are one of her most important love languages & receiving them from you in written form is a gift she gets to "unwrap" over & over, when she needs it most.
I spent another night here last night & feel okay...tired...but okay! The joy of the Lord is my strength & I find myself "bouncing back" to joy from whatever fatigue or irritation (like when the new nurse wouldn't let me back into Suze's room earlier this morning because she didn't want to deviate from their protocols...are you kidding me?). God reminds me that He's got it & that seems to right-size a lot of things, allowing me to shift my perspective. When that happens, i find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for His mercies which are new every morning. BOING! Did you hear that? I just bounced back to joy again!
Your prayers are making a huge difference in this process, transforming Suze's suffering and my fatigue into healing & blessing. I am grateful for this position of dependency upon God & upon his people as it is opening us up to something new.
By the way, Jesus showed up in the ICU room again yesterday in her new night nurse, a guy named Al whose attentiveness & advocacy for Suze resulted in more effective pain management a feeling of being refreshed. If Jesus wore scrubs, I think He'd look a lot like Al!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Recovery - Day 1
So, it's Friday afternoon & Suze is still in ICU. She slept a lot last night but drifted in that strange place between awake & dreams. So far they are managing her pain via the epidural rather than loading her up on heavy pain meds. This has resulted in greater clarity when she is awake.
They have elevated her to about 30 degrees in the bed, repositioning her a bit every so often. She has to do regular breathing exercises & periodic intentional coughing (very painful) in order to avoid fluid build-up in her lungs. Her pain is manageable & when asked about the pain responds, "It only hurts when I breathe..."
They are watching her blood sugars as the pancreas is responsible for producing insulin. They gave her a couple of insulin injections last night but today her counts have been within acceptable ranges. We're still waiting for our Docs to visit but we've been told that since the surgery ended so late in the day, they would typically wait about 24 hours for them to make their rounds (late afternoon or early evening).
Mackenzie spent the day at the hospital with Dawn, Grandpa & Grandma, getting a "pass" on school today--she was heart-broken as you can imagine. Ben & Katie were in school today & stopped by the hospital for a visit. Ben's off to the Snider/Dwenger football game tonight & all three kids are hanging out at our house with our good friend Becky. It has been so good to have Dawn in town for all of us, but her "little sister" was most pleased! She heads back to Kansas tomorrow but will be returning later in the month.
As for me, "Nurse Retched," after a quick trip home to change last night, I spent the night in the ICU lounge--definitely not the Holiday Inn Express! I slept about 2 hours between checking on Suze, finding a comfortable position on the 3' institutional couch & fluffing the rubber pillows. Jim, Mim & Dawn encouraged me take off mid-day to take Mackenzie to lunch & I grabbed a couple of hours of sleep at the house. While I was very grateful for this window of time, I must admit that the cobwebs have overtaken my brain.
Your prayers have been most appreciated & we believe God knows everything about everything; He's got it! That's the belief to which I proclaim & cling.
They have elevated her to about 30 degrees in the bed, repositioning her a bit every so often. She has to do regular breathing exercises & periodic intentional coughing (very painful) in order to avoid fluid build-up in her lungs. Her pain is manageable & when asked about the pain responds, "It only hurts when I breathe..."
They are watching her blood sugars as the pancreas is responsible for producing insulin. They gave her a couple of insulin injections last night but today her counts have been within acceptable ranges. We're still waiting for our Docs to visit but we've been told that since the surgery ended so late in the day, they would typically wait about 24 hours for them to make their rounds (late afternoon or early evening).
Mackenzie spent the day at the hospital with Dawn, Grandpa & Grandma, getting a "pass" on school today--she was heart-broken as you can imagine. Ben & Katie were in school today & stopped by the hospital for a visit. Ben's off to the Snider/Dwenger football game tonight & all three kids are hanging out at our house with our good friend Becky. It has been so good to have Dawn in town for all of us, but her "little sister" was most pleased! She heads back to Kansas tomorrow but will be returning later in the month.
As for me, "Nurse Retched," after a quick trip home to change last night, I spent the night in the ICU lounge--definitely not the Holiday Inn Express! I slept about 2 hours between checking on Suze, finding a comfortable position on the 3' institutional couch & fluffing the rubber pillows. Jim, Mim & Dawn encouraged me take off mid-day to take Mackenzie to lunch & I grabbed a couple of hours of sleep at the house. While I was very grateful for this window of time, I must admit that the cobwebs have overtaken my brain.
Your prayers have been most appreciated & we believe God knows everything about everything; He's got it! That's the belief to which I proclaim & cling.
Surgery Day Reflections
Well its just about midnight & the day we were most ready to put behind us is, as they say, almost history. Suze is resting in ICU as her father (Jim) & I maintain the "night watch" in the waiting area. Institutional furniture is great for a couple of hours but lousy to sleep on.
I find it difficult to sleep as my mind races over the events of the day. There is so much that was stored up in my heart! I think the most meaningful were the faces in the waiting room, faces of friends old & recent, FMC collegues, family from near & far.
The Apostle Paul's candid affection for his friends in Philippi captures much of what I was experiencing throughout the day.
I thank my God every time I remember you...
Our Waiting Room Tribe: Katie, Mackenzie, Ben, Jim & Mim, Dawn, Jeana, Aunt Margaret, Kami, Bre, Scott & Tammy, Robin, Becky, Wayne, Kyle, Corinne, Kelly L., Becky, Steph, Karen & Chance, Jess, Pam, Laura, Jerry, Carolyn...God delivered joy through you which translated into strength for me & for our family!
The Parkview Medical Team: Dr. Yohanda, Dr. Yurcannon (I just butchered his name), Steve (Suze's OR nurse - an FMC'er), Sheila (Suze's night ICU nurse - an FMC'er), Randy (Suze's day ICU nurse - not an FMC'er but a great guy!)
Prayer Warriors From Everywhere: I know many of you but not all; but you know who you are & what you did! Your prayers were not only heard but were answered many times over.
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy...
This morning, as Suze was about to be rolled out to surgery, the OR nurse said, "God's got it!" He was in church last Sunday when Suze preached about the omniscience of God. Are you kidding me? Jesus was in the OR & he wanted us to know it!
This afternoon, Kami (FMC intern) & Bre (Student Ministries staff) took Katie to lunch, offering her friendship, safety in sharing her fears & laughter at just the right time. I watched Katie bounce back from fear to joy with these two dear people who loved my daughter well!
This evening, when I went home to change, grab a bite to eat & offer a little relief to Dot the Wonder Dog (tongue firmly in cheek), I found our house spic-&-span clean! Joy, Amy & Pam (staff spouses) had slipped in while all of the hospital drama was happening to clean our house. After this long day, it was an absolute joy to come home for a bit & bask in the home we love so much. Just when I thought it was as good as it was going to get, it got a little better!
Tonight, as I was waiting to be buzzed back into the ICU, Sheila Harrigan walks around the corner. Sheila is an FMC'er, the mom of Ben's friend & one of the most spiritually influential people in Katie's life. Sheila is Suze's nurse in the night. Now you're just showing off God! This was one of the parts of this saga that most concerned Suze--waking up in the ICU alone & disoriented! Even now, Sheila is God's "grace-&-peace-in-the-flesh" for Suze & I am so grateful!
Because of your partnership in the gospel...
I have been privileged to have a front-row seat in this concert performance of the Body of Christ. The harmony of so many different players, the perfect timing of the Holy Spirit, the absolute wonder of Master conducting His symphony - I keep wanting to shout, "Encore, Encore! I am truly humbled & in awe of the move of God today through you, His people.
To God Be The Glory, Great Things He Has Done!
I find it difficult to sleep as my mind races over the events of the day. There is so much that was stored up in my heart! I think the most meaningful were the faces in the waiting room, faces of friends old & recent, FMC collegues, family from near & far.
The Apostle Paul's candid affection for his friends in Philippi captures much of what I was experiencing throughout the day.
I thank my God every time I remember you...
Our Waiting Room Tribe: Katie, Mackenzie, Ben, Jim & Mim, Dawn, Jeana, Aunt Margaret, Kami, Bre, Scott & Tammy, Robin, Becky, Wayne, Kyle, Corinne, Kelly L., Becky, Steph, Karen & Chance, Jess, Pam, Laura, Jerry, Carolyn...God delivered joy through you which translated into strength for me & for our family!
The Parkview Medical Team: Dr. Yohanda, Dr. Yurcannon (I just butchered his name), Steve (Suze's OR nurse - an FMC'er), Sheila (Suze's night ICU nurse - an FMC'er), Randy (Suze's day ICU nurse - not an FMC'er but a great guy!)
Prayer Warriors From Everywhere: I know many of you but not all; but you know who you are & what you did! Your prayers were not only heard but were answered many times over.
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy...
This morning, as Suze was about to be rolled out to surgery, the OR nurse said, "God's got it!" He was in church last Sunday when Suze preached about the omniscience of God. Are you kidding me? Jesus was in the OR & he wanted us to know it!
This afternoon, Kami (FMC intern) & Bre (Student Ministries staff) took Katie to lunch, offering her friendship, safety in sharing her fears & laughter at just the right time. I watched Katie bounce back from fear to joy with these two dear people who loved my daughter well!
This evening, when I went home to change, grab a bite to eat & offer a little relief to Dot the Wonder Dog (tongue firmly in cheek), I found our house spic-&-span clean! Joy, Amy & Pam (staff spouses) had slipped in while all of the hospital drama was happening to clean our house. After this long day, it was an absolute joy to come home for a bit & bask in the home we love so much. Just when I thought it was as good as it was going to get, it got a little better!
Tonight, as I was waiting to be buzzed back into the ICU, Sheila Harrigan walks around the corner. Sheila is an FMC'er, the mom of Ben's friend & one of the most spiritually influential people in Katie's life. Sheila is Suze's nurse in the night. Now you're just showing off God! This was one of the parts of this saga that most concerned Suze--waking up in the ICU alone & disoriented! Even now, Sheila is God's "grace-&-peace-in-the-flesh" for Suze & I am so grateful!
Because of your partnership in the gospel...
I have been privileged to have a front-row seat in this concert performance of the Body of Christ. The harmony of so many different players, the perfect timing of the Holy Spirit, the absolute wonder of Master conducting His symphony - I keep wanting to shout, "Encore, Encore! I am truly humbled & in awe of the move of God today through you, His people.
To God Be The Glory, Great Things He Has Done!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Surgery Completed
Suze is out of surgery & all is well. (I've been waiting all day to be able to type those words!) Here's the 411 on the surgery:
We're VERY grateful (see prayer)! Thank you for all of your prayers...keep 'em coming!
- They removed an enlarged lymph node - appears benign!
- They removed the tumor (bigger than a silver dollar) - appears benign but won't be confirmed until next week after the lab work is completed.
- Whipple was performed successfully - all the "plumbing" (crass but descriptive) is in place.
- Suze is now in ICU & sleeping..soundly...zonked...the lights are on & no one's home...you get the idea!
- Her pain is being managed through the epidural (3-4 days) which minimizes pain meds - a good thing!
We're VERY grateful (see prayer)! Thank you for all of your prayers...keep 'em coming!
Latest Checkpoint
"The surgeon is on the home-stretch!" That's the latest update & things are going well. They estimate about an hour more...which in doctor-speak could be two hours. I appreciate your prayers & your thoughts; they have sustained us today.
Surgery Underway...
First Report From The OR - The anesthesiologist did his thing (epidural's in) & Dr. Yohanda (surgeon) began actual surgery at 9:40am. All is well!
And So It Begins...
Hey all! The surgery was right on schedule this morning. They took Suze back at 9:00 am to the OR. We are very confident and grateful for the doctors we have-amazing! Then, we found out that a surgical nurse that will be in the OR with her (Steve) is an FMC'r and knows that God's got it! We'll give you more info later today when we get an update.
More to come...
Katie and Kelly
More to come...
Katie and Kelly
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day before.
Today is an absolutely stunning day here in Fort Wayne.
The sun is out and the leaves are turning and all is right in the world...
except for tomorrow I'm going in for this big surgery...there is after all, that!
But even that, as we're learning, is part of what is "right" for me, for our family, & for our friends.
This reality that we're facing is more than just a big procedure,
more than just an event that takes me out of our home for several days,
more than just an "inconvenience" or even a scarey surgery.
It is what will tell us what is hiding there in my Pancreas,
and then, what our next steps are.
So, we walk toward it...
Hesitantly? You bet! With some very concerns? Definitely.
But we get up tomorrow and walk into that hospital with a trust and faith that outweigh our hesitancy and concern.
Last night, some good friends dropped off this book. Written by friends and filled with words of hope, encouragement, affirmation, LOVE,
laughter, and truth! What a gift. I'm not even able yet to read it all. But I did want to share with you what's on the title page...
"Our first breath of frustration may be filled
with a curse, but we determine the future by
what we do with the second breath."
- Dr. Robert Morris
So, here's to LIVING in and out of the SECOND BREATH.
I pray that for us and you.
I know we're not the only ones struggling.
The hearts, connected to the eyes, reading these words, are wrestling with big things just like us. I know some of your stories -- jobs changing, finances diminishing, kids giving you a run for your money, parents aging, marriages kind of shakey, the future staying uncertain, your faith is wavering, and WE ARE ALL left wondering.
So, let's just take a breath.
The 2nd and the 400th and I betcha we'll all find exactly what we need to walk forward.
We're so grateful for the love.
Hard to put it into words.
So, we'll just say thank you...for what is and what is to come.
The words, the prayers, the scriptures that have meant something to you, the meals, the prayers, the house cleaning, the sitting with, the thoughtfulness to the kids, the emails & texts, the Facebooking, and did I say, "prayers"?
This will be my (Suze) last entry for awhile.
I'm having a glorious day today "getting ready"!! :)
So, until I'm back and able to type coherently - some would argue I'm not doing that now - I'm giving you what I've got...
Breathing that second breath,
Suze
The sun is out and the leaves are turning and all is right in the world...
except for tomorrow I'm going in for this big surgery...there is after all, that!
But even that, as we're learning, is part of what is "right" for me, for our family, & for our friends.
This reality that we're facing is more than just a big procedure,
more than just an event that takes me out of our home for several days,
more than just an "inconvenience" or even a scarey surgery.
It is what will tell us what is hiding there in my Pancreas,
and then, what our next steps are.
So, we walk toward it...
Hesitantly? You bet! With some very concerns? Definitely.
But we get up tomorrow and walk into that hospital with a trust and faith that outweigh our hesitancy and concern.
Last night, some good friends dropped off this book. Written by friends and filled with words of hope, encouragement, affirmation, LOVE,
laughter, and truth! What a gift. I'm not even able yet to read it all. But I did want to share with you what's on the title page...
"Our first breath of frustration may be filled
with a curse, but we determine the future by
what we do with the second breath."
- Dr. Robert Morris
So, here's to LIVING in and out of the SECOND BREATH.
I pray that for us and you.
I know we're not the only ones struggling.
The hearts, connected to the eyes, reading these words, are wrestling with big things just like us. I know some of your stories -- jobs changing, finances diminishing, kids giving you a run for your money, parents aging, marriages kind of shakey, the future staying uncertain, your faith is wavering, and WE ARE ALL left wondering.
So, let's just take a breath.
The 2nd and the 400th and I betcha we'll all find exactly what we need to walk forward.
We're so grateful for the love.
Hard to put it into words.
So, we'll just say thank you...for what is and what is to come.
The words, the prayers, the scriptures that have meant something to you, the meals, the prayers, the house cleaning, the sitting with, the thoughtfulness to the kids, the emails & texts, the Facebooking, and did I say, "prayers"?
This will be my (Suze) last entry for awhile.
I'm having a glorious day today "getting ready"!! :)
So, until I'm back and able to type coherently - some would argue I'm not doing that now - I'm giving you what I've got...
"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed in our hearts, we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers." 2 Corin. 1:8-11
Breathing that second breath,
Suze
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Sunday night realities.
So today is Sunday and for us that usually means Church and a nap,
homework, popcorn for supper, and making sure a certain someone gets the trash taken out.
This Sunday was a bit different as we kind of went "public" (Suze did the preachin' at Fellowship) with our deal.
It was an amazing day -- from the fellowship with our FMC family, the Choir rocked the house, the prayer time as an entire community, and the unexpected blessing of getting to sit with Suze's folks during worship and then seeing some really good friends who we love so very much but don't get to see often.
A day of blessing and reminder.
Again.
That God has got all this already figured out.
We can wrestle and plan and negotiate, but mostly He just wants our hearts.
So, today that's what we gave Him.
Our niece Jessica has recently gotten married and moved to Oregon (that's us on the right).
It feels like a really far way off...
But she sent me (Suze) a FB message this week letting me know that she's praying for us and asking God for His absolute best for me.
and then she said this...
“God knows exactly what He's doing doesn't He? huh From beginning to end he is still writing our stories. (Even when we think we're doing the writing, just because we're doing the living...so silly)”
We like that girl (and her husband too!).
So tonight we go to bed with a greater awareness of the blessing that is ours because God loves us enough to give us exactly the grace we need to wake up tomorrow morning and see what Monday holds for us.
We are also very aware that we are not alone as God writes this chapter in our story.
So many are literally right here with us while many, many more are far away and yet, using the greatest weapon we'll ever have -- prayer.
Thanks for including us in your conversations with the only One who can Heal any of us.
Grateful,
Kelly & Suze
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