An old year slides out the door.

I've always been intrigued by New Year's Eve.
The excitement, the parties, the craziness -- all in anticipation of ....
                                                                                               what exactly? 
That the next 365 days will hold something that the last 364 did not?
That this next 12 months will deliver in ways that the last 12 just weren't able to?

Or maybe it's not time frames we're concerned about,
it's a more personal way of thinking.
That WE might be different somehow -- more gracious, patient, generous, kind?
That somehow we'll go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow and
everything that is true about us (especially those things we don't particularly care for) today, might somehow be altered?
That if we make a list of things we'd like to change and work at them hard enough, next year at this time we'll be more like the person we wish we were NOW?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to set goals.
To be intentionally working toward something can be really life-giving.
I'm just saying I don't think we have to wait until Dick Clark starts the countdown, to start to make some of those changes.  Or even to start thinking about them.

Favorite place to sit & think: Front Porch

I have had lots of days in the past almost 3 months, to sit and think and journal -- well honestly, sometimes I never really got anything written down in the journal -- so lots of just sitting and thinking.  A gift really.  One that many of us, because of the pace we're living, never really have.
I'm grateful for it.
I'm in awe of it really.
But mostly, I've been changed by it.
To sit and think about your past.  To really spend time being curious about your present.  And then, to have extended time to dream about tomorrow.
What a rare and beautiful gift.
And I didn't even have to wait for December 31st!

I wouldn't wish The Whipple on anybody.  Nope, not even my worst enemy (even though I hope I don't have one of those).  But I would wish everyone I know time.  Time to think and dream and ponder and hope.  Because in the long run, that's what New Year's Eve crazy-making is really all about: HOPE.  And trust me, I only know one place to find real Hope and for me, it's rarely revealed itself during a party when I was counting down from 10 to 1 and making a lot of noise!

My prayer for me, my family, and you is that as 2010 slides out the back door and 2011 steps in the front - we will have a greater sense of the possibilities in front of us right this moment -- and grab them. 
Even if the opportunity is the chance to just sit and think...

Happy New Year!
Suze 

Birthdays.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate my 46th birthday.
And let me tell you -- this year is a milestone for me...mostly because I'm joyfully and health-fully (is that a word?) moving toward another year of LIFE!
What's helpful to know is that 45 was a HUGE birthday for me. 
Huge.
I had started a journey when I was 42, with the end result hopefully being that I would enter my 45th year - fearlessly.  You see, my first round of cancer came when I was 15.  Second time - 25.  Third go-round - 35.  You get the pattern.  Turning 45 was a big, hairy deal and as a 42 year old, I was really afraid of it.  I had fallen into old patterns of people-pleasing, living hesitantly, second-guessing every choice, and mostly just HIDING.  All of it based in the fear that I wouldn't be around to see 46 -- so I had better live a life that was literally, larger than life and if I messed up, or couldn't get your approval -- well then my life must be a big, fat failure.
                                     Uuugh.  This is a horrible way to live -- don't try it, trust me.

So, mid-way thru my 42nd year, I called up an amazing counselor, got myself an appointment and spend the next year figuring all of the above out (it was much messier than it looks here -- trust me).  And gratefully, I'm able to say I was able to wake up the morning of my 45th birthday completely and utterly unafraid.  And, by the grace of a very good God, I have stayed that way -- even AFTER the tumor was found in my Pancreas -- all year.  I have been concerned, I have been stressed, I have even wondered if I had maybe done something wrong -- but hey, I'm also the mother of 3 teenagers!! 

Over the past 3.5 years I have had the opportunity to really look at my life -- to see it for what it has been, what it is, and what it might be.  And here's what I know: My life doesn't have value because I produce something you might really like or because my kids turn out perfectly or because every hard to please person I know things I'm amazing.  Nope, my life has value because the Creator of the Universe chose me.  In fact, He chooses me every day and He trusts me -- with big (like raising children and loving Kelly and passing life along and surviving) and small (celebrating the sunrise and enjoying a really good meal and laughing with a friend) things in the midst of those days.  I am a blessed woman -- not because I've survived Cancer 3 times and I "dodged a bullet" this time.  Nope, I'm blessed because God saw how broken I was and how my brokenness was adding to the world's and He decided to crawl into the skin of a newborn and start the process of fixing every last broken thing in me (and you if you'd like Him to) and the world.
Amazing.
So, fearless still I chose to celebrate another birthday. 
Who knew (but God) that last year would hold the challenges it did.
And I trust Him, if this year has some more -- I'm ready.

So this year, I sing the silly, childhood song of birthday parties around the world...
Like a prayer of thanksgiving!
Won't you join me??

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear Suze,
Happy birthday to me.
Amen.

  

Christmas Eve.

As a kid -- I loved Christmas Eve so much I usually almost, kind of, sort of, made myself sick.
I know I'm not alone in this -- there were lots of kiddos who couldn't sleep, had a queasy belly, and were basically giddy waiting for the big morning to arrive (I know, I've got 3 of them still in the house!).  It was almost too much, this anticipation of what might be under the tree with my name on it.  In the morning, my Mom wouldn't let us leave our rooms until she and Dad gave the "all clear".  So my brother Rob and I would grab our pillows and lay in the doorways of our rooms, staring across the hall at each other, breathing deeply -- just hoping we wouldn't have to run to the bathroom to "take care of" our excitement!  I have no idea what my sister Dawn was doing -- by this time she was a teenager and way too cool to lay in a doorway (she was probably wide awake in her bed!).

This is us now.  We survived!

And then...Mom or Dad would call us down the stairs and the sick tummy would be forgotten as I turned the corner and there was the tree with presents stacked underneath it and a stocking to be dumped on the floor. 

Wow.  What a picture of expectation and reality and the gap that exists between the two.

I had a lot of expectations for this Christmas.  That I would be at a certain place in my recovery, that I would feel good enough to have it ALL done by now, that I would have 99.9% of my energy back, that my children would get along for every moment of their break (OK, that one's not true!!)...
But God's been challenging me that there's something for me to learn in this gap between what is and what I'd like it to be.  Maybe I'm supposed to be satisfied with what's right in front of me, maybe I'm supposed to demand less of myself, maybe I'm supposed to be willing...to ask, to try, to rest, to start over, to trust. 

I know this sounds kooky -- but I can't help saying what a gift this surgery and season of recovery have been -- probably right up there with one of the best gifts ever.  I have learned things about myself, my family, and my community that I always hoped were true but now I know are.  It has given me such an amazing opportunity to experience God in ways familiar and yet, in this season, brand new.  I have had moments when I felt just like that little girl waiting to be called down the stairs for Christmas...wondering what might be waiting for her (sick stomach and all!), and then the relief of knowing that no matter what's around the corner...
Love wins.
Which, I think is the whole message of Christmas.

I hope your celebration is filled with moments - where you get to see for yourself that no matter how big or small the gap between your expectations and realities, there's always LOVE.

For unto us, is born this day...
Suze

On the Floor - not laughing.

Today I had to go into our family physician's office and have the 3 hour version of the Glucose Challenge test.  They are looking to see how much insulin the remainder of the ole pancreas is producing.  This is the same test lots of mama's have to do when they've got a bun in the oven.  Not pleasant, but not horrible either....

     normally.

For me, this morning was ridiculously difficult.  I ended up on the floor of an exam room at the doctors office (which I had asked for just because you can't leave for the 3 hours and I wanted to avoid all the sick kiddos coming to see Dr. Holly in the waiting room!) because 20 minutes after the test started I had some kind of MAJOR reaction to the glucose.  Not going to go into details -- just trust me, it was baaaaad.  The goofiest part was that here I was at my Docs office and no one knew how bad I was doing because the reaction I had is not "normal" and so they don't typically check on folks.  So, it wasn't until the lab tech came in to do the blood draw at hour 1 that anyone knew I was struggling.  

Needless to say -- they paid attention after that!

So today, instead of getting Christmasy (finish the shopping, make a buckeye or 30, and dunking some pretzels in chocolate) I ended up on the couch.  

Hmmm...really tempting to get discouraged -- but I'm just NOT CHOSING IT.  Things could be so much worse.  I could be fighting for so much more than just my energy or certain systems to be working together.  I'm aware of it -- the "could be-ness" of my life right now -- almost every minute of every day.  And it doesn't lead to a crazy fervor to make it all count (I kind of already had that!!), nope it just makes me want to pay attention.  

To really listen, look around, and be aware of what might be in this for me.  

Today, I'm so aware that my story is still being written.

That I have lots to learn about life and living it with love and grace and gratefulness.

And every opportunity like this morning becomes a beautiful reminder that my life is an ADVENTURE that was absolutely planned with me in mind -- and that I have everything I need to not only survive this day, but to celebrate it!  Wow... I'm so grateful.

So today, as you're looking at the calendar and realizing that the family is coming (or you're going), the food has to be bought and prepped, there are a few things left to be purchased and wrapped, and you are still fighting to find your Christmas spirit, just remember...

Emmanuel,  Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, & Prince of Peace,  were all Jesus' names before he was ever born.  Names you can trust to change everything, whether you're laying on the floor trying to figure out how to get some help or just wondering how you're going to celebrate the season -- the right way this year.

Merry, almost Christmas!
Suze

Life.

Mostly, everyone I know is carrying some sort of burden.
Maybe it's a mistake they made, or a concern they have over a friend who's hurting.
Or maybe, this weight they carry - like so many rocks in a bag,
is connected to a tragedy...
something unforseen that they had nothing, or everything, to do with
and now they just can't unload the guilt or the shame that has attached itself to them. 
Burdens for sure and yet...even with the weighty-est (is that a word?) of concerns, there is still hope.

Always Hope.

This week has felt monstrous for many in our corner of the world.
Lots of questions, concerns, & curiosity about the future.
And then the grief that is specific to having to say good-bye to someone, sometimes way too early, who is deeply loved.
Our friends are carrying burdens and sometimes it's hard to know
how to love them well in the midst of it.
But I've learned, because I've stumbled down this path before,
that hope is the best gift I can hold out to  my friends who are hurting. 
And only because hope has been passed along to me -- do I have anything to offer anyone else.

Robin, Becky & I meeting John Perkins

One of my new heros is a man named John Perkins. 
He's one of the most inspiring people I've ever encountered and at 80 years old, has lived thru and seen it all.
The child of a sharecropper who received a beating that almost took his life -- because of narrow thinking about a person's value being connected to the color of his skin.
Recently, I heard JP (as we like to call him) challenge thousands of people to live lives aware of the burdens, but not held back or down by them.
He said that if we've been given LIFE, like your feet on the floor this morning and that breath you just drew into your lungs, then our "job" is to pass that life along, as long as we're allowed to.  I think this sounds like Hope!

And here's the crazy thing about life -- while others have struggled - I've had a really great 4 days.
Isn't that how it often goes, with both things being true -- suffering and joy co-existing?
I continue to be so grateful for the ongoing support of so many who are praying for my day to day "stuff" (getting back to work, being present for my family, regaining strength).  These prayers have gotten me thru.  These prayers have given me life!

Life, passing on life. 
Hope becoming the burden-lifter!
This I think I can do.
This I want to do!

Gateful,
Suze

Christmas is coming, Christmas is coming.

We have spent a lot of time waiting over the past 4 months.
From the moment Dr. Holly said, "Hmmm...seems like there's something here in your belly that doesn't belong there", we have been waiting.
Waiting for appointments to be scheduled, blood to be drawn, test results to be read, questions to be answered, scans & ultrasounds completed, anesthesia to wear off, pathology to come back, a body to regroup, to be released from the hospital, and for peace to arrive.
Mostly, it's been OK.  We've had Doctors we trusted which in turn helped us to trust the process.
When others were frustrated for us, "why do you have to wait 3 weeks for that test?", we were able to see God's hand in it.  His timing has always been, and will always be, perfect.
I can't tell you specifically why there's been so much waiting -- it's not like when you hear those stories about people who were delayed in leaving the office and there was a 17 car pile-up on their normal route home at the EXACT SAME TIME as they would normally be on that road. 
No, it's more like something deep inside of me, inside of us, has gained a layer of understanding we've never had before. 
We've known God's ways are not our ways.  
We've known you can't tell your body how quickly it's going to recover. 
We've known that often, if you chose it...
trust, faith, wisdom, courage, and even love grows as you WAIT. 
But we've never really understood, as in the kind of "knowing" that penetrates your very soul, how deeply these truths grow in us as we wait. 
For that, we're grateful,
      and surprisingly, reminded of Christmas.
Because Christmas is really all about waiting.
Not waiting for presents, the family to arrive, or the turkey to thaw.
Nope, Christmas is really about celebrating a season of pauses and delays -- waiting.
It's called Advent.
And whether you're aware of it or not, during this season we light candles, celebrate moments, sing songs, and bake yummy things as we wait for something - SOMEONE -- to arrive.
Advent actually means: arrival that has been awaited.

I know what I'm waiting for, I wonder what you're waiting for?
And if you're tempted like me, to give in to frustration or questions...
Remember, Advent is upon us -- and the very thing you and I have been waiting for has come.
And at Christmas -- we get to celebrate His arrival.
So, light a candle, eat a cookie, sing a carol, and wait...
                                                                                          with JOY!
Gratefully,
Suze

Keep your lifejacket on!

So, yesterday I headed back to the office.  

For a few hours -- just to get my feet back in the water.

I wanted to be a part of my team's weekly meeting, go to staff lunch, and maybe stay for another meeting.

It was good to be back among these people who I love and am honored to serve with.

The team I'm a part of is hilarious -- I have really missed laughing with them over the goofiest of things.

They also challenge me, every time I'm with them, to think about things differently, to be creative, to access a new way of offering whatever it is I might have to offer!

It was good to be back.

I got to stay for lunch and the meeting right after.

I came home early, rested and worked a little bit more and felt really good about the milemarker I hit.

And then,last night...

I hit a wall.

Hard.

I told Kelly it felt like I was falling down a hole -- my energy was totally gone and I couldn't get to the couch fast enough.  Sleeping thru the night was illusive and the morning brought even more challenges.

But, I leveled out as the day progressed and I'm able to say that once again, I'm learning things about myself (right lessons aren't necessarily easy ones).

And I'm still grateful... 

This is my friend Ali wearing a lifejacket-joyfully!

for my progress, 

for a job to go back to,

for a laptop and a comfy chair 

to work from,

and that it's OK to jump back into the water...

just keep your lifejacket on 

at all times.

A friend shared this quote today... 

           Pause and consider your day. 
          What seeds from God might be coming to you that you don't want to miss?  
                                                              - Peter Scazzero

While I have LOTS of opinions, there's a lot I don't know -- I'm the first one to tell you that!  But what I do know is that God is always talking, teaching, showing, guiding, correcting, challenging, loving, and planting seeds.  

I bet your day didn't go quite the way you planned it either.  Whatever came up, I hope as you're able to look back over your shoulder at it, you'll be able to see the "good for you" moment -- they're everywhere you know.  Moments that are for our good.  And sometimes they even look like running out of energy and having to stop!

Have a great Thursday!

Suze

 

Just being neighborly.

Nearly 15 years ago we moved into the 9th house on the left on a street filled with older homes.  We chose the house because it had character, lots of great woodwork, and we could afford it.  It felt kind of risky for two "kids" who had grown up in sub-divisions, living on a street that felt really close to downtown (like that's a bad thing?).  We were naive enough to think we were just moving onto a street of houses.  When in reality we moved into a neighborhood -- a place where everyone either has a front porch or comes to sit on yours.  Where people know your names, your kids names, and even help you chase down the dog when it gets lose.  Our neighbors have provided meals, shelter, childcare, invited us to weddings, graduations, and funerals.  They've helped us paint the house and fill a dumpster during a remodel.

Our next-door neighbors to the North have changed a couple of times, but our neighbors to the South were here before we got here and have proven to be exactly the family you hope lives next door when you move to a new city, onto a new block, into a new house.   We have shared a lot over the years -- the side yard, meals, books, cleaning ladies, and outdoor chores.  We've celebrated and laughed together just as much as we've worried and mourned (we've got 6 kids between us, plenty of opportunity for all of that).  When we remodeled our bathroom years ago -- Craig & Nancy let us shower at their place (the joy of an older home with 1 bathroom) for 13 WEEKS - what?  But in and around all the teasing and story telling, we have known we are loved by these people.  From very early on, we knew we could ask them for just about anything and if they could, they would. 

Kelly and I have been going to church ALL of our lives.  We both grew up in the Church and have worked on a Church staff our entire married life, and have met and become friends with some amazing people over the years.  But it was this neighborhood, these neighbors, who really and finally taught me what it meant to belong somewhere.  To have people who see you at your best and worst -- and let's face it, our neighbors see our yards when we've just been too busy, they hear us yelling at our kids in the early summer days when all the windows are open, and they've watched the ways we move in and out of our lives.  And for us they have still wanted to know how we're doing, the latest with the kids, and to remind us we're a part of something bigger than just the 5 of us.

Yesterday, it was a snowy Sunday here in the Midwest, and as I left for Church Craig & Nancy were in the hot tub, drinking coffee (a pre-Church ritual I think I'd like to try!) and so we had a couple minutes to catch up.  And in those 180 seconds (literally 3 minutes) I was reminded again what it means to be connected.  To not just live in a house on a street -- but to belong to a community.  They've been praying for us and paying attention to my progress AT THE VERY SAME TIME as they are carrying their own burdens and concerns.  I was filled with gratitude all over again -- for our neighbors yes, but for the chance I have to be more than just neighborly...in the future.

And speaking of the future -- I'm headed back to work.  I had such a great recovery week last week.  I'm feeling stronger all the time and so, I'm going to do some work there and some here and ease back into the rhythm that is "work".  It's funny, my recovery has gone exactly the way the Doc said it would (even though I was convinced I could do it in half the time!!), so much for what I know!!

I hope you have neighbors like ours.  But trust me, we've lived in enough places to know this doesn't always happen.  But here's what I know CAN happen every time -- we can be those neighbors to others.  All we have to do is decide.

Still more than grateful,
Suze

Miraculous.

You know, I think a lot of us have given up on miracles in our lives and the lives of our friends and family.  Maybe we've been waiting a long time for an answer, the money is just about gone, the pain has increased to the point of overwhelming, she won't forgive me, or the disease just keeps spreading.  I get it, I understand why we give up and think, "this is all there is", I just don't agree with it. 

The way I understand one, a miracle is when God sets aside the natural order (the way things "ought" to go) and makes a new path in our lives.  So maybe it's more in our perspective, rather than whether life is going our way or not.  Like, my life is hard right now, but I'm NOT getting discouraged, depressed, or hopeless.  My children are still laughing and being silly even though they're scared.  My friend keeps pursuing me, even though I've been a grouch. 

I don't know what your miracles look like, I can only point you to mine...and trust me, they've been PLENTIFUL and I'm grateful for each of them, big and small...
1. I've been home 6 weeks recovering and my biggest concern was boredom, restlessness, or even despair.  Hasn't happened.  God has been so faithful to give me a rhythm for this recovery.
2. Dozens of folks have fed our family during the past 2 months.  Folks from my life now and friends who have known me for over 30 years, taking care of what might seem like a small thing but for a Mom -- the family meal... a big deal.
3. ALL the pre-surgery "taking care of" (Dr's, housecleaning, food, presence with the kids) that God was up to on our behalf.  You know who you are, Jess P., Carol H, Joy S., Becky B., & Amy H.
4. My response to our Community's outpouring of love and support.  I normally like to handle things on my own and then come back and report to everybody how great everything worked out.  Very early in this process, I was aware that we would not be able to operate that way this time -- and actually, I didn't even want to - ever.
5. A very large, non-cancerous tumor in my pancreas.  Now, I have to tell you I'm hesitant to write this, because so many that I know and love are CURRENTLY struggling with the monster I call Cancer.  But for me, this is part of God's plan for me, right now.  But if the pathology would have been different, here's what I know -- God would still have been up to something miraculous.  
6. KellyFair's love. 

That's it for now -- I could go on and on listing the ways I've seen miracles, that is God's power directly applied to my life, these past months. 

One of my favorite quotes is by, all people, Albert Einstein...
"There are only two ways to live your life.  One is though nothing is a miracle. 
The other is as though everything is a miracle." 
I like this a lot.
I hope like me, you're days and weeks have been filled with absolutely unexplainable MIRACLES.
And when you see them, you're able to stand on the spot that a miracle-sighting creates...
GRATITUDE.

Have a great weekend!
Suze

End of a decade. Really?

Unbelievably, tomorrow is the first day of the last month of this decade?  What?  How did this happening?  Where was I?  What was I doing?  Seems like I was simply living my life and time had the audacity to FLY BY!  Kelly and I were talking yesterday about how 2010 has been quite the year for our whole family and while we wouldn't trade it (OK, maybe we would trade some of it) in for a "better" year -- we won't be so sad to put a period at the end of it and close this chapter of the story. 

Like many of you -- we have been challenged in ways we would have never dreamed about by the circumstances of this past year.  We've had so much joy this year, celebrated with family and friends as they've gotten good news, had babies, gotten married, been healed from disease, gotten the job they were desperate for, seen their children come home, and been delivered from some form of bondage.  We've struggled too, and sometimes it's happened right in the shadow of the joy.  We've said good-bye way too early, been separated from people we love, watched our children suffer, had difficult/painful conversations, experienced relational fractures, felt like God was silent, looked into the face of hunger, isolation, and despair, had some pretty tough conversation with doctors, and laid awake at night wondering about our future.  This, as we keep learning is called LIVING YOUR LIFE.  But the thing that has set this year apart from any other in this decade or the last is that we have experienced all of this -- the joy and the struggle -- and not once lost sight of the Hope that is ours because of the One who has made joy possible and struggle bearable.  For that, we start this month differently than any other Advent season before -- with an awareness of the celebration that's coming...
The arrival of Immanuel -- God with us.

Yesterday we went to the Doctor.  He is pleased with my progress.  Still a little concerned with my lack of weight gain (but I didn't lose so that's good), but mostly he's feeling good about where I am.  He gave me permission to ease back into life -- activities, exercise, and work.  His word of caution: "If it hurts, don't do it", made me laugh.  Reminded me that you can be super educated, have the amazing skill set it requires to do really complicated surgical procedures on folks, and still -- it comes down to the basics.  Another reason I really like this guy. 

Needless to say -- we're feeling really grateful for where we are at this stage.  Still so aware that it's a day to day thing and that without our support system, faith, and each other -- we'd be utterly lost.  Which takes me back to reflecting on the decade.  No matter what has happened in ours or yours -- we're still here.  Still trying to live a life worthy of whatever it is might be God's heart for our existence and tomorrow is another day in THAT adventure!!

Happy December all!
Suze

Right things to do.

Yesterday.
Kelly made a HUGE breakfast for us and then the 5 of us went to a movie (a Thanksgiving break tradition that I thought we might have to forgo this year).  It was a fun afternoon and great to be all together.  Crazy movie based on even crazier best-selling books that for the past 10 years just seemed to keep coming and coming...still fun though!! 

Today.
Rough morning but still able to make it to Fellowship to celebrate with a whole bunch of folks following Jesus into the waters of baptism.  It was an amazing morning with singing, celebration, and being reminded that there has been a whole community of faith-filled folks supporting us on this journey.  Spent the rest of the day just chillin'.  It's difficult sometimes when I'd rather be out and about - going, doing, HUSTLING to the next thing.  But I didn't -- I rested and that ended up being exactly right. 

Tomorrow.
Get the kids off to school and then head to Dr. Y's for an 8 o'clock appt.  We'll see how's he's feeling about my progress, find out if I gained any weight, and get a feel for when I might be returning to work (a word of gratitude here to my boss who has so generously told me, "come back when you're ready, we'll figure it out"). 

Family, Food, Silliness, Worship, Rest, and a Progress Report.
All things that have been, or will be, a part of three days in my life -- some wanted, some not so much -- but all exactly the right thing.  There is a sense of returning to normal in my world and for that, I'm grateful.  I still get caught off guard by how much I'd like to be in charge of the whole thing (how much I'd like to sleep, how good I'd like to feel, and how much energy I wish I had, etc.), but mostly I'm learning to trust my body.  When it says "go", I try to do something.  When it says "stop", I try to do exactly that. 
Difficult lessons for me (control?) but I'm learning, I'm learning!

I trust that no matter what yesterday, today or tomorrow held/hold for you -- you can be aware of the "rightness" in what was happening.  That you had moments of joy and struggle -- because it's in the tension between both these things where we learn to trust, believe, hope, and love just a little bit more.

Grateful,
Suze

Full of Thanks.

For my friends fighting the good fight!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving.
But this year, more than any I am so aware that EVERY SINGLE DAY should be Thanksgiving.
I know, I know -- sounds trite, cheesy, naive.
Seriously though, every day could be a day filled with thanksgiving and gratitude -- if we just chose it.
This year there was no traveling for me, so while Kelly's family gathered in OKC & my siblings were with their in-law families in KS & here in Indiana, we had a small gathering, just the 5 of us and my folks, at Mom & Dad's.
It was a great day filled with one of my Mom's beautiful tables settings, too much tastey food, watching football/movies, playing games, and napping.
Ahhh...it was a gift.

Normally, I don't do lists -- they are usually just reminders of things, projects, groceries, meetings I didn't get to.  But in honor of yesterday and already thinking how to best celebrate Advent...

A top 10 Thanksgiving list (in no specific order, except for #10):
1. Creon.  This drug allows me to eat and keep the food in me, long enough to gain some nutrition!
2. Friends.  Folks who have known me either 20+ years or just 2 - have reminded me over and over thru their visits, care, food, and love, that my life has a purpose beyond this current event.
3. Christy Nokels.  This girl can sing and write.  If you haven't listened to her song  "Healing is in Your Hand" - oh baby, you gotta hear it, it will bring perspective to WHATEVER is happening in your life right now! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3p2yqWFlg60
4. My Mom and Dad.  Every child deserves to be loved as outrageously as I am.  The lavishing I have received (which by the way they are more than willing to share with all children/children in-laws/grandchildren/grandchildren-in laws) these past 2 months has resulted in a shelter for me to heal under. Makes me want to love more outrageously than ever.
5. Eggs.  This simple, elegant, basic source of protein -- which I have not eaten for over 10 years -- is now a dietary staple.  Seems like the rewiring that happened internally shook up more than my digestive system.
6. Doctors W & Y.  These 2 men are known as some of the best in the country and they live in FORT WAYNE, IN.  What?
7. Home.  A place to heal, rest, and recover in safety and peace.  This is a privilege not everyone has access to -- such a blessing.
8. Ben/Katie/Mackenzie.  For being willing to ferociously love their Mother -- in 3 very different ways -- and learn how to access what they need from me in new & creative ways.
9. KellyFair.  This man.  There are not words for me to describe my gratitude for how he has cared for me, fought for me, stood beside me, comforted, sheltered, and protected me.  He has chosen to LOVE me in ways I'm sure he never imagined when he promised to love me in "sickness & in health" nearly 25 years ago.
10. God the Healer.  For nearly 4 years now, I have been growing in my understanding that God has been in the "business" of putting back together everything that's broken inside all His children since Chapter 3 in Genesis.  My Thankfulness for this has only been increased for this Truth over the past 4 months.

Well, that's it, the top 10 things I'm Thankful for.
With yesterday behind us and Christmas around the corner I'm reminded that healing continues for all of us.
And for that, we can all be FULL of THANKS.

Still more than grateful,
Suze

Awareness.

Today I was reminded that no matter how rough the day might be -- there is someone, somewhere who is fighting thru something bigger.  Doesn't minimize or diminish my story -- just provides perspective that mine is not the only struggle.  I was on Facebook this morning and found the link to a college friend's blog about her current journey thru Cancer.  Months ago, I remember hearing about her diagnosis -- but as often happens, the struggle seemed far off and distant from my own story.  As I read her words today, starting at her diagnosis 9 months ago up until 2 days ago, I became very aware that her story is my story.  Not just the physical, but her journey toward being a good mom when you don't feel good, figuring out how to stay present with your life and not give into the pain, and finding a deeper intimacy with the Heavenly Father.  This Wife and Mom of 6 has been through it all in the last months and yet her battle continues (so much more intense than mine).  As I prayed for Mary and her family I once again encountered a kind of peace that just can't be explained.  Prayer will do that you know, it will help you see beyond yourself into a place where we stand in front of the the only One who can heal any of us AND where we can see that "it" (any of it) was never really about us anyway (that's what's it doing, no matter what your experience with prayer may or may not be).

The past week has been a day after day journey toward recovery.  What an amazing thing 7 short days can be in a body intent on healing (plus, the right medicine ain't a half bad thing either!).  As we move ever closer to Thanksgiving, I'm reminded that no matter how slow I think it's going -- progress is happening!

I'm THANKFUL for the journey - every last day of the past 4 months but especially the last 7 weeks.
Thanks for going on it with us,
Suze 

5 decades.

Today I had my first big outing as Kelly and I traveled to Anderson, IN to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary of life-long friends of Kelly's (only 27 yrs for me!), HL and Sandy Baker.  

I was a little nervous about being an hour and half away from home, in a setting I wasn't really familiar with -- but these are people who we love and who have loved us so well for all these years and it was really important to both of us to get there.
I'm so grateful to be able to say: Things went GREAT!  We celebrated H & Sandy and also got to see friends we haven't seen for years.  The most powerful moment for me was when H said, to all gathered, that COMMITMENT trumps everything else when it comes to staying married for 5 decades.
Kelly and I talked on the drive home (with me crashed in the reclined seat!)
about how brilliant God is when He brings two people together -- only He knows how her story will affect his life and how his story will powerfully integrate into her entire life as well.  IF they both chose that part of God's brilliance to take hold in their lives.  H & Sandy have experienced that very thing and I'm grateful to say that so have Kelly & I (of course we are only half way to 50!!).  Only God knew how powerfully I would be affected by Kelly's love and real need for community.  He has taught me the importance of having good friends who are deeply involved in our lives.   And it was a generous Father who decided that Kelly would benefit from standing with and deeply loving a woman who would have health challenges (and other kinds too!) almost their whole married life. 

God's knows exactly what He's doing and 

those plans are always so much better than ours.

Whether you're single or married, sick or well, alone or surrounded by others, 

rich or trying to figure out how you're going to make it this month...

you can trust that.

God's got it figured out and that COMMITTMENT does trump everything else.

Still more than grateful,
Suze

Benchmarks.

In the past, when I've been trying to accomplish something -- there have been significant markers that I would know meant I had achieved something that would push me closer to my goal. 
When I was chosing a college -- it was the visit, filling out the application, taking the SAT, making the deposit and showing up that first scarey day.
When I was thinking I maybe, possibly, just might be falling in love with Kelly it was the way my heart felt, how he looked at me, all the time we spent together, and finally just knowing that I knew.
When I have tried to get in shape over the years (oh yes, there have been plenty of tries), it's been about stamina, weight loss, the lungs no longer burning after running 1/2 a mile, no more stitch in the side, and finally...well, mostly just settling for a mile or so!
But this, this goal of recovery seems a little more elusive.  The benchmarks I would usually use aren't working and I'm learning that I have really, very little control over how quickly or slowly this is going to go.  This is not a way of thinking or living that I, or really many people that I know, are used to. 
I find myself asking, "is this about entitlement?".  Do I think I'm owed my health, my ability to keep up, the capacity to work a full day -- making a significant contribution?  I honestly don't know -- I'm thinking about it (trust me, lots of think time) and it makes me curious about the things I have taken for granted, even though I have struggled with my health most of my life.

On Tuesday, a friend from Church, who was also my "surprise" ICU nurse the very first night out of surgery was supposed to come over for a visit.  Tuesday was not a good day.  She didn't come over, but called me instead.  After a brief conversation, she asked if she could pray for me and she said this in her prayer, "and God thank you that Suze has the time and the place to recover in peace and safety".  I have thought about that statement over and over.  What a privileged it is to recover in this way -- in my own home, safe, warm, sheltered, fed, loved.  I'm grateful for so much -- but it will be this awareness of ALL  I have been given in this season, an awareness that God Himself is stirring up in me, that will be the place that gratitude grows from.  I'm talking about the kind of gratitude that changes you -- makes you want to be a part of fixing something that's broken.

I wonder what priviledge is yours that you're just not seeing right now?
Maybe if you can see it, maybe if I can see it, it will be the path that leads us to something more amazing than we could ever imagine, that has nothing to do with anything we think we're entitled to.

Maybe that's the kind of benchmark we should be striving for.
Maybe...
Suze

Dr's appts, Moms, and LOVE.

Yesterday we went to see Dr. Y and it was a good appt. - mostly.
I am finally TUBE FREE after nearly 6 weeks -- and that feels amazing! 
He used the old, "distract her while I pull this very long thing out of her body" technique.
It pretty much worked!
We then talked with him at length about some "systems" issues (not gonna put too fine a point on it here) I continue to have.  He's convinced the Pancreas (what's left of the old girl that is) is not producing enough of the right kinds of enzymes to break down foods.  Uugh.  But, because we live in the times we do -- there is a pill for this.  So now, before every meal, I take a pill which is supposed to aid in this process.  Another reminder that my body has been thru a BIG deal and I've got to give it the time it needs to come back online.  AND (this is a biggie for me friends) there might be some things that just never return to pre-Whipple status. 

I continue to struggle to put weight on and that remains our big concern.  I did not respond to the FULL FAT diet my sister Dawn wanted me on, so now I'm going back to the foods I normally eat and see where we end up.  Put weight on: Such an odd place to be for a middle aged woman in today's culture...not thinking about it too much -- just aware of the curious-ness of it!

My Mom, Mim, with #2 child Katie.

Today was supposed to be a re-group day (after a bit of a rough one yesterday), visit with a friend, do some writing, be at home by moi-self.  But, that plan was not too be.  Woke up feeling rough, missed the middle child's honors breakfast @school, and ended up feeling pretty vulnerable.  So, I called my Mom.  Wow.  I can't tell you how grateful I am to be able to say that.  I am very aware that this is a priviledge of mine, this being able to call my folks and know that, if they can, they'll come get me and watch over me for the day.  My Dad built a fire in the fireplace, the dog and I took a nap smack in front of it, and I kind of hovered around the edge of "yuck" for the day.  But I was being sheltered by my parents until Kelly could come and take over and it made it doable.  This, for me on this day, was LOVE.
I hope, whatever ups and downs your day held today -- you too experienced LOVE.  A conversation, a glance, a song, a laugh, a moment...when you knew, that you knew, that you knew that you are chosen.

Still, REALLY, REALLY grateful,
Suze

Worship... with other people.

So today, I got to go back to my church -- a place I really, really love.
And not just because I work there! :) 
This place reminds me that while there are parts of life that are meant to be lived "out there" somewhere, and there are quiet, intimate parts of the journey that I must do all by myself with the Father, 
there are just things that MUST be done in Community! 
To sit next to people you love (even if you don't know them well yet) while you sing, pray, learn, and give is an extraordinary opportunity.  One that I haven't experienced for too many weeks and so today, so grateful to get to be there once again.  If you went to Church this weekend -- I hope it was a great time of gathering and sensing God's goodness.

Tomorrow WE GO TO THE DOCTOR, finally!  Hopefully, no all-night surgery for Dr. Y and we'll make it at the right day and time!  When you think about it, it's an amazing thing for so much of your life to be so deeply connected to someone you don't know really well -- but who you have literally entrusted your life to.  Again, grateful that we have Dr. Y to work with. 

In some crazy turn of events, it's almost Thanksgiving!  And so, in honor of getting my heart and head ready for that holiday -- I'm reminded that's it's good to put words to what I'm Thankful for.
1. A God who believed enough in my potential to make the ultimate sacrifice on my behalf.
2. A family who makes Home, home -- a great place to be for recovery and regrouping (whether you've had surgery or not).
3. A husband who has consistently made good on a nearly 25 year old promise to love & protect me in sickness and in health.
4. A community of people who show me every day what it means to love unselfishly.
5. A big old tumor in my pancreas that was not cancer!

OK, probably more to be thankful for -- but we do have a few days until Turkey-day!!
Hope you have a great Monday!
And don't wait until next weekend to worship!!

More than grateful,
Suze

Never really alone.

So, yesterday marked the 5 week date on the calendar since the surgery.
Unbelievable -- what my body has been through in the past weeks and yet, every day I feel like I get closer to being "back".  This week has had some great days and a couple not so great ones - but as Kelly reminds me, that's progress!  So, we keep moving forward.  Still haven't seen the Doc -- we messed up on Monday, and then got there Wed. for our appt. and they had canceled all his appointments as he had been in surgery all night.  Uugh.  Frustrating, but we go Monday first thing and hopefully will get some good feedback and guidance for what's next.
This week as also been my first week alone at home.  Kelly is back at work and his folks went home to Oklahoma, kids at school (mostly), and I'm on my own.  Mostly, it's a good thing.  My folks are close by if I need anything and friends pop in or call for a visit, and I'm grateful for that.  But I do really enjoy setting the pace for the day (can anyone say nap from 11-1?) and the ongoing challenge of figuring out what to eat -- on my own.   Amazingly, it has taken me until now (5 weeks really?) to be able to or even want to read a book, do some writing, or even watch a movie.  Crazy, but I'm going with it, after all what are my choices?
This morning, I read this...
"O Lord of Grace,
The world is before me this day,
and I am weak and fearful,
but I look to Thee for strength;
If I venture forth alone I stumble and fall,
but on the Beloved's arm I am firm as the eternal hills."

I love this way of looking at life, and not just right now.
My need for God & others is obvious now,
but it's really not much different than any other time of the year,
other than most times you can't see my need because I bury it deep underneath my capacity.
So in these days of waiting for strength to return, stamina to build up, and the good days to outnumber the bad...I'm thinking about not being so good at doing it on my own.
Months from now, I hope I'm still aware of my need and yours too.
And that I'm quick to invite God and maybe even you into the place where I might need a little help.

Grace & peace,
Suze

Calendars and why they matter.

OK, so this post has to start with a confession: I MESSED UP!
Yep, I thought we had a Doctor's appointment first thing this morning (8 a.m.). So everybody was up and outta here by 7:3 (that's a big deal for a family of 5 with 1 bathroom & 3 of those people being teenagers).  Got to the Doc's office and nope -- no appt. for me today -- that "first appt. of the day" slot would be on Wednesday!  OK, so we'll try again then.  But meanwhile, my friend the feeding tube is still with me and my questions about "certain things" are still unanswered.  But overall, it's a minor thing and we'll get our questions answered on Wednesday.
But calendar mess-ups aside: I'm celebrating! I am happy to report 2 great days, IN A ROW.  It's an amazing thing when you're days are kind of iffy, to experience 2 days, back to back, when you feel pretty good.  I am amazed at how good it feels to not feel bad, know what I mean?  But I've long been convinced that you can't rejoice in the LIGHT if you haven't stood in the DARK for awhile and felt utterly and completely lost.  And for sure, you can't celebrate LIFE if you've never experienced DEATH.  So these 2 days -- are like a huge taste of LIGHT and LIFE for me and I'm very grateful.  I fully anticipate some more rough days ahead -- but these days where I'm able to feel the strength returning -- ahhh...now that's joy!
Today I had the honor of meeting Kelly's good friend Cyprien Nkiriyumwami (his last name means "everything I have and everything I am belong to the King", mine just means 4-H) from World Relief Africa (DRC to be specific).  What a joy it was to sit with him and get to know him and then to have him place his hand on my shoulder and pray for my continued healing.  Undone by God's grace again.
I hope whatever your Monday has held (even if you missed an important meeting) you'll hit the pillow tonight aware that tomorrow is a brand new day!
Grateful,
Suze

Sabbath & Dr. Y!

However you're honoring the day today -- I hope there's some rest in there just for you.
As I mostly hold down a chair in our family room, I'm reminded more and more of the value of sabbath rest.  This time where you just unapologetic-ally stop and do mostly nothing, for nothing's sake.  I don't think we're particularly good at it -- especially us Americans -- but that doesn't make it wrong to give it a try!  In fact, it's more than right to give it a go!  Take a moment or 20, a half-day or even a full one and just meander around, doing things that bring you LIFE.  Right now, my sabbath includes short walks, visits with friends & family, sitting, lying down, figuring out what to eat, praying, listening to music, writing, and being HOME. You shouldn't have to have major surgery to get you to stop (sadly, that's what it takes for most of us) and wait...
for life to return,
to hear the voice of the God who made & loves you,
to laugh with your children,
to curl up in the sun and close your eyes for "just a minute". 
Give it a go...it's joy, I promise.

Tomorrow we head back to the Doctor for a check-up.  Hopefully I'll also get the feeding tube (that we haven't used once @home) removed.  This would be amazing and just one more step toward "normal".  Although I think "normal" for us might have changed for good a month or so ago!  We've got some questions for him about the next days/weeks and Suze's "systems" (not everything is playing well with others -- enough said) and other details about what's next!  Once again, we are amazed that this world-class surgeon is right here in Fort Wayne, IN and we were able to get into his docket.  Dr. Y, you're a blessing to us!!

Well, I'm headed back to sabbath...gonna find a snack and a patch of sun to curl up in.
Hope you can do the same today or tomorrow...or even Wednesday!! :)

Suze

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, Back To Work I Go!

Friday - Today marks the end of my first week back in the office.  After the drama of the last several weeks, a week of "normal" felt pretty good.  It was good to see my colleagues again, catching up on all the happenings & connecting with friends. 

I was glad to know how well they functioned (as I knew they would) together, stepping up their leadership in my absence.  They served the FMC body well, loving people, developing ministries & executing with excellence.  It was a blessing to me to see how well they served.  Thank you to FMC's Pastoral Care & Development team of Bill Hickle, Debbie Closson, Keith Reynolds & Laura Harmon.  I am honored to serve with such a high-caliber group of people.  They are a gift to our church!

With my return to work, our family shifted gears yet again, as the full-time nurse & home maker was now going "part-time."  The reality of the kids schedules & mine made it a bit more challenging.  There were a few short-tempers & even a meltdown or two, but overall, we all did very well in making the necessary adjustments. 

This week was challenging for Suze & I in particular as this was the first time we'd been apart from one another for about a month.  I enjoyed being the primary care-giver for her, looking after her needs & being fully present with her.  She also found it comforting & so it was a bit of a transition to have to say goodbye to one another in the morning. 

Tonight, Suze is going to venture out for Mackenzie's play at Blackhawk Middle School.  We've got a comfortable chair lined up for her near the exit so that she can enjoy Mackenzie's performance as "Norma" in a Neil Simon production called "Short & Suite."  One of us will take her home at the intermission & then return for the final curtain call.  We're grateful that Suze is feeling up to going out for Mackenzie's performance, yet another "normal" that is welcome to the Fair family!

Thank you for your continued prayers & all of the practical expressions of support.  We feel very secure in God's hands & you have been a big part of making that a reality!

Amazed by the God Who's Got It,

Kelly

Stay on the trail.

This is one of my all-time favorite  pictures.  I think I snapped it in Arizona on a trip Kelly & I took one Winter.  We were hiking in a National Park and found these trails they were reclaiming, and this was the sign hanging along the trail.
I have felt like it has become the mantra of my life.  There's always some kind of healing taking place -- emotional, physical, relational, spiritual...and the best plan is to just stay on the trail.  Every time I vere off and try to figure out my own path to healing I get stuck, get more messed up, or simply shut down.  So now, in this season of my own physical reclaiming, I'm staying on the trail.  Even when I'd rather be anywhere but sitting in a chair, lying down, or watching others pick up, clean up, and fix up.  But every time I'm tempted to step off the trail, I remember what an absolute privilege is mine to have this time to let the healing take place.  To take one breath in and then let it out.  To listen to music I love, visit with family and friends, read when I can, let others do all the things I can't, and mostly just rest.

This week my sister Dawn headed back to Kansas, my good friend Nance drove in from Chicago, Elsa (& her Mom) came over to play, my "sister" Becky popped over for a visit, the gals from Church came over to clean and the meals keep rolling in!  Wow!!  All good and life-giving.  Kelly's folks are also here from Oklahoma and Grandma is busy in the kitchen while Gramps is running the Fair-family taxi service.  Grateful for all they're doing to keep the homefires burning!!  And then tomorrow night, #3 child has opening night for her play!!  I'm so hopeful that I'll feel up to the big outing -- can't wait to see Mackenzie as "Norma".  I bet you've had a big week too.  I hope as tomorrow rolls around, you're aware that it's been about life and living it to the fullest! 
So much more than grateful,
Suze

Appetites.

You know, I'm learning something about the human self -- you just can't make yourself be hungry for something.  My appetite just isn't the same and many (insert my big sister Dawn's name here) are concerned that I'm not getting enough calories. But listen people, I'm trying.  I watch the FoodNetwork, I try to get inspired by looking at pictures of food, I think about my Mom's best meals (and then call her and ask her to cook), and then I just plain try to eat.  But something is not firing between my head, my mouth, and the new stomach.  So, I've got a few things that are working and I'm sticking with those, maybe eventually just any old thing will sound good -- but until then, 1 egg over easy please!
And as I've been thinking about the whole nutrition thing -- it of course makes me think about my long and complicated journey with food.  For the past several years I've been trying to treat food as fuel - not comfort, companionship, or even entertainment.  Uugh, like I said, complicated.  But this season, this eating for nutrition only thing, it's taking me deeper into my own understanding of all the right & wrong ways I've used food over the years AND all the ways I've tried to force myself to be hungry for something spiritually and that hasn't worked out so well either.  There is a rhythm and pace to appetite.  It comes when it's needed, in the way's that are beneficial for your WHOLE self.  This forcing thing, not such a great plan.  So, when it comes to food and the Bread of Life, I'm learning to dance a whole new dance.  It's an adventure and you know me, I'm always up for one of those!

Katie (R) and good friend Kami.
AKA: The Cloud & the Drip.

On a totally unrelated note (kind of) last night we still had a couple of trick-or-treaters at our house...when exactly do they stop dressing up?  It was fun though!  Aunt Dawn pulled together Kenzie's "Belle" costume and Katie got her "raincloud" groove on.  A huge dose of NORMAL, which was really fun.  We also went through about 1500 pieces of candy just handing out on our street.  My sister (who lives on a farm in Kansas) was in shock!  Gotta love the big city trick-or-treaters!!

Well, I hope your appetite for ALL things is exactly right for you.  That you're experiencing all kinds of growth and uncomplicated-ness when it comes to what you're hungering after. But if you're more like me -- hang in there.  Trust the rhythm.  And when all else fails -- just have a hunk of really good bread!!
More than grateful,
Suze

Progress.

You know, I've spent my fair share of time in my life wishing something wasn't - or was.  Either way, this way of thinking can be dangerous for me.  It keeps me from seeing what's right there...smack in front of my face, which is usually exactly the right thing - for me.
This morning I woke up wishing I was 100%.
That I could go on that campus visit with our oldest, 
that my sister didn't have to come all the way out here (although I know she is glad to do it), that my parents weren't worried, that Kelly wasn't concerned about going to back to work, that...
Well, you get where my mind went.
But the truth is, while I'm making great progress, it's just that - progress. A little bit at a time.
Soon, before we know it, I'm trusting, I'll be back.
But until then, it's one breath in and then one breath out.
Just now, Dawn and I were listening to music, reading, and chatting, and this (one of my all time favorites) came on the radio...


Water you turned into wine.
Opened the eyes of the blind.
There's noone like you, none like you.
Into the darkness you shine.
Out of the ashes we rise, 
There's noone like you, none like you.
Our God is greater, our God is stronger,
God you are higher than any other.
Our God is healer, awesome in power,
Our God, our God.


He's the one who decides what, when, where.
I trust that about Him and so much more.
So, me I'm gonna take my progress as it comes and chose gratitude for it.  
As always, hope you're aware of what you're needing and God's provision of exactly that.
Enjoy the Sunshine!! :)
Suze

Secret Gardens, Special Friends & Silly Songs

Today was a good day, mainly because the antibiotics kicked in!  Suze felt a bit better & that seemed to tip the scale in her favor.  Although it was windy (who would've thought we'd be facing tornadoes in October?) & clear, a beautiful fall blue sky.  And that meant a road trip to the Secret Garden!

Actually, it's not that secret (Foster Park) but it is quite beautiful.  There is a tranquil spot in this park that Suze often goes to clear her head, pray, write, etc.  We took a slow walk & enjoyed the beautiful flowers (yes they're still there).  It was life-giving to Suze to have the sun on her face, the wind in her hair & allow God to speak to her soul through His creation.  I'm amazed at the way God can use nature to bring healing to the mind & spirit.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a worshipper of nature; I'm a worshipper of the One who created it all "In the beginning..."

Later in the day, Suze enjoyed a visit with a dear friend who brightened the living room with laughter & conversation.  I cleared out, doing household chores (laundry just doesn't stop; where does it all come from?) & other stuff.

We actually enjoyed a moment of hilarity when one of our co-workers emailed us (& other FMC staff) a funny song about the pancreas.  It was very Monty Python-Esq, if that tells you anything about it!  We laughed hard & were glad to be in a place physically, emotionally & spiritually to do so.

I guess it was the culmination of all of those things that allowed me to hear from God today.  It was as if He was saying to me, "Lighten up!  Look around you & see what I'm doing.  Don't take yourself (or life) so seriously that you miss a chance to enjoy the warmth of the sun on a park bench, the easy conversation with a good friend or the kind of laughter that makes your belly hurt!  After all, I created all of this with you in mind."

So, tonight as I head upstairs to put out a teenage crisis & plunge the toilet (seriously),  I end with this reminder, spoken by Jesus Himself, about you & about me found in John 10:10.  Read it more than once; try substituting your own name for the word "they"; say it aloud as if He is speaking personally to you.  And when you do, may you experience God's shalom:

"The thief comes only to steal & kill & destroy; I have come that [YOUR NAME] may have life, & have it to the full."

Feasting.

So today started slow and then slowed down a little from there.
But I'm learning that this is the pace & rhythm of my recovering body.
My mind has quite figured it out yet.
We did head back up North to the Docs and got the "grenade" pulled (yahoo! 1 less tube poking out of me) and then Mom & Dad "suzesat" while Kelly went to the office for the first time since surgery.
We also found out at the Doc that I have an infection (kind of common one from all the stuff done to me) that was diagnosed in the hospital but untreated.  Sooo....I started on an antibiotic and am hoping to feel better in a day or so.  The common thinking is that this untreated "pest" is why I've been having so many low-energy days in a row.  Oh the body...it wants to heal itself, sometimes it just needs a little help.

Today though really, has been a day of surprises -- nothing earth-shattering, just two more indicators of the God who's had this whole thing covered.
Suprise1: Just a few moments ago, I was thinking, hmmm...what will we eat tonight?  The community has been so generous, so we could do leftovers, use one of the gift cards, or just everybody fend for him/herself -- when a couple from FMC pulls up front (MANY miles from their home) and hauls in BAGS of food & homemade soup.  Wow.  Such generosity and right on time.
Suprise2:I opened up my email and found a message from my high school basketball coach, reminding me that he was one of the first ones I asked to "look at this thing on my  neck", all those years ago right before the very first diagnosis.  I have seen him off and on over the years as he has continued to coach and is in the community - but this email was a reminder to me that God has always provided the right people at the right time in my journey -- whether I was a not-so-scrawny freshmen or middle-aged mother of 3.  God has ALWAYS known exactly what I need.  Coach and his wife have signed up to bring us a meal too -- amazing.  He's threatening popcorn -- I hope Judy's cooking!!
I don't know how God surprised you today -- but I bet He did.
And when you see it for what it is -- I bet you'll be feasting just like we are tonight!!
Happy Wednesday All!
Suze

Sunday & Monday - Amazing & Ordinary!

SUNDAY - Yesterday I was able to go to the 8:00am service at church.  I must say it was good to be back with our FMC family.  Singing with the rest of the Body of Christ, seeing good friends & experiencing the power of God's Word (Pastor Dave knocked it out of the park; check out the website at www.fmcfw.org & hear it for yourself!) were good for my soul.

The highlight of the day for me (& later online for Suze) was the "My Journey" video.  Each Sunday, we feature the story of an FMC'er living life in the way of Jesus in the hopes that others will be encouraged & challenged in the process.  Yesterday the journey of James Elkins was featured.  He is a young man who has become very near & dear to our hearts.  We were so blessed by his courage, his heart for Christ & his smile -- when James smiles, his whole face lights up!  I would encourage you to go to the website & watch the video!

MONDAY - Today we had our "two week" appointment (2 weeks & 4 days, but who's counting?) at Dr. Yahanda's office.  Everything is healing well, digestive processes are right where they should be, etc.

Another small victory happened just this afternoon; Dr Yahanda's office called us back this afternoon & gave us the green light for the removal of the drainage tube (technical term is J.P. drain; we call it her "grenade," because that's what it looks like).  This will happen tomorrow morning & will leave only the feeding tube which will be removed in two weeks.  FYI, she's not using the feeding tube as she's able to take in enough calories by mouth, another praise at this point.  However, it has to stay in until the internal healing is further along.

Suze is very dialed into her pacing as she fatigues quickly.  She has short bursts of energy where she feels almost normal but then starts to fade.  She naps frequently & take short walks throughout the day.  Her pain is very minimal & she's not dependent upon the pain meds, only using them when she has to.  We're grateful & amazed by her progress but are now in the part of the recovery where restoration is more slow & incremental.

This week I begin my transition back to work (catching up on what's been happening, attending a few meetings, etc.) & anticipate a more normal work schedule by next week.  Although I am looking forward to it, I must admit that I've really enjoyed being fully present for Suze, night & day.  We are grateful to our family & friends who will be stepping up in this transitional time over the next few weeks.

Thank you for your prayers & support.  We are living in the reality of answered prayer on a daily basis & are continually being filled with awe & wonder at God's goodness!

Body Pillows, English Muffins, and Suffering.

So this morning I woke up after sleeping ALL night (thank you very much and praise God for body pillows) and enjoyed my first "normal" breakfast: English Muffin with Peanut Butter & a cup of Coffee.  Those of you who know me well, know that not being hungry for this for nearly 2 weeks has been a bit disconcerting -- but all is righting itself it seems!! :) 
I also awoke with this thought on my mind: "How would I have done (and continue to do) this all alone?"  First of all, I'm so grateful I haven't had to even think about this once - from folks both near and far praying, friends standing close and helping bear the burden.  Family & friends taking turns "Suzesitting", the kid's friends family's taking care of them, and the food...oh the food.  And then, there has been - Kelly Fair (what love he has shown me).  In all this, not once have I had to worry about how to navigate, where to go, or what's coming next. 

Part of the "crew" who waited it out on surgery day with Kel

But I'm not naive enough to think that everyone who goes through something like this has this kind of "army" of love behind them.  I saw, and heard, people on my floor at the hospital spend entire days (multiple) all by themselves.  Aaaagh, it was almost more painful to me than the actual pain sometimes. 
Jesus is pretty clear about how His Kingdom will come and be released thru us -- and not letting others suffering alone is part of that (check out Matthew 25).  I don't know what's going to happen inside me as this thought pings around inside my heart and brain -- I just thought I'd invite you into that place to wrestle with me. 
Your welcome!!
Hope you're having a great Saturday.
Ours feels almost "usual" (other than the mother with tubes sticking out of her body!!), with chores, overnighter, leaf raking, and rest.  I had a great chance to catch up with the oldest and let me tell you, it felt like a balm to my soul.

I hope you receive some balm too -- whatever it is you're needing for today...
God's got it, of that I'm certain.

Blessings!
Suze

2 weeks and moving forward.

Today has been a great day!
All systems are "go" -- if you know what I mean (and if you don't, I'm just not explaining).
This has been a small concern of ours, "is everything awake in there?" -- and now we know the answer!
Thanks to you who have prayed a prayer you thought you'd never pray...
He answers them all friends!! :)

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Nurses lately.
As you can imagine, being in the hospital for 12 days -- you meet a lot of these amazing men & women.
We were in awe as we watched them be experts in the areas of pain, comfort, progress, family dynamics, nutrition, crisis management, psychology, ice chips, crowd control, and so many other things.    They are not only Medical Professional but also, Mom, Coach, Teacher, Counselor, Companion, & Advocate working hard at being present and yet not hovering as you're hurting.  The best -- exude a sense of confidence, that all will be well if you'll just trust the plan that's in play.  This is an amazing role in the life of one who is recovering. 
But here's where my thoughts have gone recently...
Aren't we all called to be these things, to some degree, for each other?
You don't have to go through a major surgery to need someone with you.  Sometimes life is just hard and you need someone, anyone, to stand with you in it.  To listen, coach, teach, love, advocate...
This kind of nursing doesn't require passing Anatomy & Physiology either.
It just requires Us - fully present, willing to stand with.
So, here's a great, big, huge THANK YOU to all the Nurses I know -- Registered or otherwise.
And to the rest of us, let's go get a stethoscope and see what we can do!!
Happy Thursday!
Suze

Recovery - Day 13 - The "Eyes" Have It!

Wednesday, 10.20.10 - It occurs to me that 25 years ago this week (Sweetest Day, to be exact), I proposed to the love of my life, asking her to be my partner in the adventure of our live.  The best par of that day was her response - the energetic "Yes!" that was expressed not only in her voice but through her eyes.

As I thought of that sacred turning point in our relationship nearly a quarter of a century before (That makes us sound ancient) in light of this recent stretch of physical, emotional & spiritual challenge, I find myself feeling grateful for the opportunity of loving & being loved well by Suze.

Someone once said, "The soul that can speak with its eyes can also kiss with a gaze."  I believe that's exactly what I've experienced every time I've held her gaze.  It was her eyes that grabbed my attention when we first met in the choir loft where the altos ended & the tenors began, quickening my heart rate.  It was through her eyes that I first experienced the painful realization that I had hurt her deeply & it was through her eyes that I experienced true forgiveness in spite of that hurt.  When we first held each of our children, liquid joy from her heart poured out of her eyes.  More recently, it was in the moments just before we parted in the hallway leading to the OR, where we experienced a very brief but very intimate transaction of appreciation & longing for a lifetime of "Yes!"  In that moment, no words needed to be spoken!

I am grateful for this beautiful life we have been privileged to share together.  I am grateful for her eyes that still reflect the deep love & passion first for God & then for me; one that that burns white-hot within her.  Thank you God for granting us this time we have together, for bringing into my life one who has loved me so well.  And thank you God for the windows into her heart through which I see you!

Day12 - A new rythm.

So, we're wrapping up our first full day at home and I'm left wondering...
How will I be in my home, with time on my hands, but no energy or "permission" to do all the projects (little and big) that I've been waiting until I had some time on my hands to do?
Well, if today's any indicator, it will be a one day at a time kind of thing.
But, the good part of this awareness -- is that I am definately feeling much better.
Today was a day of rest, short walk outside, rest, sit on the porch, rest, another short walk, learn how to knit, and rest some more.  So grateful for the beautiful weather so that I could sit on the porch and really soak up a gorgeous Indiana Fall day.  Made me remember again why I love our neighborhood so very much.
Tonight the 'rents came over to visit and my brother Rob (and fam) came by to fix the one and only light in our one and only bathroom on the main floor (kind of important for me as I'm hanging out primarily on the main floor).  Good to have a handy man in the family, for sure!!
   Tomorrow Amy heads home.

This is Amy.  In a hat.  Drinking Coffee.

I know Kelly already talked about her -- but today it's my turn.
This young woman has been amazing. 
She's fun, she's creative, she's practical, calm, not afraid of anything connected to any part of my procedure or recovery, and she's just so easy to love.
I'm grateful for ALL the help, but mostly for her being willing to be my "morning buddy".  This allowed Kel time to be away from the hospital to regroup, catch a nap, and just breathe.
Thank you Amy for the very real ways you have loved all 5 of us.
Christmas can't come fast enough!!

Tomorrow is also my dear Mother's birthday.  A bit of a bummer for me this year as I won't have the energy to really celebrate every one of her amazing 75 years.  I'm sure my Dad has some special plans for her!
Time to hit the hay, but because I'm still on the hospital rhythm -- it's just now bedtime (midnight) and I'm sure I'll be up again @1:3, 3:3, & 5:3.  But I will be waking up at HOME and for that I can't stop being so very grateful.
We continue to figure out how to re-integrate as all 5 of us.  The last 2 weeks have been hard on all of us.  So, we thank you for keeping us in your prayers.  We are praying for many of you as well.
Still amazed at God's goodness and provision,
Suze