Birthdays.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate my 46th birthday.
And let me tell you -- this year is a milestone for me...mostly because I'm joyfully and health-fully (is that a word?) moving toward another year of LIFE!
What's helpful to know is that 45 was a HUGE birthday for me. 
Huge.
I had started a journey when I was 42, with the end result hopefully being that I would enter my 45th year - fearlessly.  You see, my first round of cancer came when I was 15.  Second time - 25.  Third go-round - 35.  You get the pattern.  Turning 45 was a big, hairy deal and as a 42 year old, I was really afraid of it.  I had fallen into old patterns of people-pleasing, living hesitantly, second-guessing every choice, and mostly just HIDING.  All of it based in the fear that I wouldn't be around to see 46 -- so I had better live a life that was literally, larger than life and if I messed up, or couldn't get your approval -- well then my life must be a big, fat failure.
                                     Uuugh.  This is a horrible way to live -- don't try it, trust me.

So, mid-way thru my 42nd year, I called up an amazing counselor, got myself an appointment and spend the next year figuring all of the above out (it was much messier than it looks here -- trust me).  And gratefully, I'm able to say I was able to wake up the morning of my 45th birthday completely and utterly unafraid.  And, by the grace of a very good God, I have stayed that way -- even AFTER the tumor was found in my Pancreas -- all year.  I have been concerned, I have been stressed, I have even wondered if I had maybe done something wrong -- but hey, I'm also the mother of 3 teenagers!! 

Over the past 3.5 years I have had the opportunity to really look at my life -- to see it for what it has been, what it is, and what it might be.  And here's what I know: My life doesn't have value because I produce something you might really like or because my kids turn out perfectly or because every hard to please person I know things I'm amazing.  Nope, my life has value because the Creator of the Universe chose me.  In fact, He chooses me every day and He trusts me -- with big (like raising children and loving Kelly and passing life along and surviving) and small (celebrating the sunrise and enjoying a really good meal and laughing with a friend) things in the midst of those days.  I am a blessed woman -- not because I've survived Cancer 3 times and I "dodged a bullet" this time.  Nope, I'm blessed because God saw how broken I was and how my brokenness was adding to the world's and He decided to crawl into the skin of a newborn and start the process of fixing every last broken thing in me (and you if you'd like Him to) and the world.
Amazing.
So, fearless still I chose to celebrate another birthday. 
Who knew (but God) that last year would hold the challenges it did.
And I trust Him, if this year has some more -- I'm ready.

So this year, I sing the silly, childhood song of birthday parties around the world...
Like a prayer of thanksgiving!
Won't you join me??

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear Suze,
Happy birthday to me.
Amen.