All good things.

It is with gratitude that I write this post.
First thing I want you to know, is my health is great!
We've recently been to see 2 of our Docs and they are giving me good news as well as an understanding that some of my ongoing "gut" struggles may be with me for awhile. 
Somehow though, knowing that -- helps me understand better how to move forward from here.

Unbelievably, it was 1 year ago today, I walked into Parkview Hospital and became intimately acquainted with The Whipple.
Boy oh boy, what a year this has been!!
Starting with the surgery in October, we have (like so many of our friends)
"been there and back"!
We've celebrated birthdays and anniversaries, drivers licenses, leading roles, holidays, passing grades (and not so passing grades), endings (High School for Ben) and beginnings (college for same child!). 
We have said good-bye to friends and made some new ones.
We've celebrated God's goodness and then, what seems to be the very same breath,
       we've wondered about His plans.
We've remodeled many things - including our house, our lives, and our thinking about the future.
We've tried to keep the things that were working, well...working.
And the things that needed changing -- honestly?  We're still figuring those out.
We've all turned a year older and hopefully (with God's grace) we're all a little wiser.
And through it all,
We remain deeply aware of the goodness of God.
Time and time again -- almost always EXACTLY when we needed it,
God has shown up.
Through a text or an email,
            a meal or a cup of coffee.
A visit, a walk, a chance encounter at the Wal-Mart.
Wherever and whenever...
we have seen Him in the big and small moments that have gotten smushed together to make up this year.
And more times than I can count, we have looked at each other and said,
"It wasn't Cancer".
And so, we mark this moment,
                               the ending of a year.
Grateful in ways I find difficult to express.
Mostly, that there's another 12 months right in front of us.
Thank you for all your kindness, your prayers, your curiosity, and belief.
Thank you for loving us in ways we never knew we wanted, but were exactly what we needed.
Kelly, Suze
Ben, Katie & Mackenzie

This will be my last blog post on the FairNecessities.  
You can keep up with future goings on @http://suze-fair.blogspot.com/

11 months and counting.

Last week we went to visit Dr. Y.
It had been 6 months since we had seen him and overall, he was really pleased with where I am and what's happening with my recovery.
Here's a quick update on where I am today, almost one year since The Whipple and I met.
Mostly I feel good.  I have a few days a week where I don't think about it...
  the majority of the time though - I'm still aware that a radical thing happened.
I've gained a few pounds - and that's a GOOD thing (never in my life have I been on this end of the weight issue, hilarious!!).
As they say on one of those awkward medicine commercials: "I have tummy troubles"
Double uugh.
We talked a lot about what brings on these "troubles": mostly, the wrong food and stress.
So, he wants me to go see a Gastro-Intestinal specialist.
And then he said, "you know, it will probably be another year until you feel like yourself again".
What?
Another 12 months of THIS?
I mean really, I've already given over a year of my energy, time, heart, soul, emotions, & MYSELF to this crazy thing!  I'm ready to get on with my life!!
That was my reaction on Wednesday.
And then on Thursday morning - I got an email letting me know that a man I know, who was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer a year before my tumor was found, had died.

And I realized that I need to change my mind about this last year and the one that is coming.
This is my life.
And I've been "getting on with it" -- sometimes in a rather "stop and start" manner,
but still...
I'm living it.
So many blessings -- so much that is rich and full and FULL OF LIFE

The 3.  So much Love here.

  about this life I'm living.
In the past 12 months,
I have been transformed by the deep love and care of friends and family.
I have received the blessing of the Church being the Church!
I have witnessed first hand the brokenness of my children as they have come face to face with suffering and joy ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I have stood beside our oldest as he fought his way to holding his HS diploma in his hand and then headed off to college.
I have watched from the sidewalk as #2 child drove off in the car for the first time.
I have celebrated with friends who went on a great adventure and were radically changed by it.
I have born witness to the power of love - to heal & transform.
I have rested, worked, played, eaten, studied, travelled, laughed, and wept.
I have held the hand of my one true love who has chosen me over and over for 25 years.
I have.

The past 11 months have been huge, yes.
But it has BEEN.
And for that -- I will forever be grateful and changed.
What has changed you in the past year...
moved you to some version of you that you always dreamed about but could never imagine?
God's probably in that.
Just sayin'.
Suze

New Normal.

Well, here I am 7 months later.
Wondering where did all the time go? 
How is it that I am here, in what all the Docs are calling my "new normal"...
sitting in a coffee shop, sipping a coffee (yes, we did break up for awhile post-surgery, but we have reconciled beautifully), thinking about the goodness of God?

I have been silent here for months -- I know, I know.
I've been asked, gently prodded, and chastised about updating the blog.
So -- HERE'S AN UPDATE!! :)
My health is solid.  I have way more GOOD days than I do BAD and I am still living with an awareness that God is a God of provision and healing (we just don't always understand what the healing looks like or what it's for).  The things I'm "fighting" now are all connected to the mechanics of the surgery itself.  All those points of disconnect and reconnect sometimes make themselves "known" -- and trust me, it ain't always pretty!!
I continue to be connected to my gratitude for what is true about my health and my future.

Here's what is true about my silence here on the blog...
it was about something God was asking me to do.
I needed to work out some of the things I was feeling and thinking about these last months - privately.
It's a crazy thought, I know -- in this world where we seem to not be able to get away from everyone's business -- whether we want to know it or not -- to be silent seems wrong somehow.
But I had a very clear sense that I was supposed to "zip my lip" (as my Dad would say) for a season and see what bubbled up.
Sufice it say, LOTS bubbled.

And when you and I are together next -- I'll tell you some of them.
But for now, here's what I know...
The path to MORE...
More faith. 
More love. 
More understanding. 
More compassion. 
More LIFE.
        frequently runs you smack into suffering.
Rarely, does this path -- to this life you think you're supposed to have --
or even want to have, really...
                                                emerge out of ease and abundance.
Now some make argue with me here -- and that's OK, everybody gets an opinion and yours doesn't have to be mine!
All I know is that while there has been plenty of joy along the way, it has been the struggle and sorrow that has given birth to the very thing I've been longing for:
a belief in THE LOVE that will sustain me for the next season of living.

Here's what else I've learned in the silence of the last couple of months...
There's no lack of opportunity to suffer.
What I lack is the ability to always see it for what it is - an invitation.

There's a man and his father sitting next to me right now and they're both weeping.
Openly, freely -- two men crying together, in public.
Makes me wonder what sorrow are they wrestling with? 
What news are they trying to reconcile? 
What truth did they think they were going to wake up to today and yet, they weren't able to find it?
What are they being invited to?
I'm going to pray they say "yes" to it.

And you & me too.

And just a little bit more.

Last weekend I had the priviledge of teaching during the Sunday morning gathering @Fellowship (the Church where Kelly & I both work).
This was my first time "in the pulpit" (even though we don't really have a pulpit and how would you get in one anyway?) since the surgery in October. 
4 weeks earlier, our Senior Pastor had launched a series entitled YOU2.0, which was/is intended to start a dialogue about the ongoing transformation required of a disciple. 
I was to teach about the role of suffering in the shaping of us as disciples.
Hmmmm...
4 months ago, had I been asked, I probably would have said yes, and then done a lot of research and study of what OTHERS had to say about how suffering shapes our lives.
And spoken out of their stories -- after all Tozer, Chambers, Lewis, Elliot, Manning, and Nouwen all have much to say about how struggle, pain, loss, grief, isolation, disappointment -- suffering, can and should shape us as people, followers, friends, and even neighbors.

But in this season of my life - I knew it was my own story that God was asking me to share with the community.  I also felt very clearly that my message might be one that some didn't want to hear...

Suffering is God's Good Gift to His children.

This is something that has proven (over and over) to be true in my own life -- but only in this last run have I embraced it as such.   I have spent my entire Christian life asking God to make me more like Him.  To allow me to see, love, serve, interract with the world like He does. 
And then, when He allows the very thing that made Him, Him -- to come into my life,
the very thing that might make me a little bit more like Him (suffering) -- I run, hide, and resist it. 

This time, last August, He asked me not to,
and for the past 6 months (where has this half a year gone?) I have really tried to stand with Him in my suffering and let it reveal things in me that He would like to change.

Now I know for many, this idea that suffering -- in any of it's forms, not just physical -- could be a gift seems really foreign.  But no matter where you are on the faith deal -- if you're struggling without purpose -- no matter what your pain is caused by -- then this suffering will feel pointless. 
It will feel more like a curse than a gift and I get that.
Actually, for a season I have believed that.
These days though, I'm discovering that there is more of ME to be discovered.
More of ME to be offered as a gift to my family, my friends, the people I work with and live next to.
And that MORE can only be revealed as I suffer.
It's not a question of WHY we suffer (because we all will), but rather HOW we respond.

I'm grateful to be 4 months out from The Whipple.
To have more good days than bad.
To have the energy to be the Wife & Mom I feel called to be.
To be able to stand in front of my church family and declare that God's goodness is revealed in all sorts of crazy, upside down ways.
Sometimes -- often -- thru our suffering.

Blessings,
Suze

PS. If you want to watch or listen to the teaching, here's the link.

Snowstorms, cancellations, and a child getting old.

Sometimes I'm tempted to think God has a bad memory.

This week has been a crazy one here in the Fort.
On Tuesday they were predicting crazy amounts of snow and ice and the city started shutting down.
We had our first, that I can remember, "snow day" at work, and the kids were off a couple of days as well.
While grateful for a place to ride out the storm (although it ended up not being nearly as bad as predicted), plenty of food in the frig, and a furnace that fired exactly when it was supposed to -- I was very aware that there were those in my city who didn't have a safe, warm, welcoming place to get in out of the cold.
And it made me think..."Why is this still happening?"

On Friday, we were supposed to get together with friends we haven't been with since before their 4th child came into their lives.  I was so looking forward to this reconnection with a couple who are so life-giving to be with -- delightful is actually the word I would use for both of them.  Then, on Friday, one of their kiddos got sick, so we rescheduled for Saturday.  But, on Saturday evening I crashed, hard, and we had to cancel all together. 
What a bummer. 
In my disappointment, I found myself thinking..."Why is this still happening?"

Today, our oldest turned 18.
This child who came into our lives in miraculous ways as a tiny little 6 week old sweetheart.
He was, and continues to be, a reminder of how personal and deeply connected into our lives
God wants to be.
This child was tangible proof to a then
28 year old doubter.
He continues to do that for me.
Often, when Ben walks by me, or I get a text, or I'm dumping the 5 pairs of shoes he left by the front door, in his room...
I am reminded of the young woman I was, who was sure God had completely forgotten about her.

And then I looked back over my week...
and think about my questions about why...
       in a town with so much going right for it,
       we still have people sitting out in the cold
AND
      with a recovery that has really gone amazingly well,
      I'm still fighting for "normal"
and here's what I know:
I'm still tempted to think God has forgotten.
But he hasn't, He never could.
His answer now is the same answer it's always been...
HE HAS ME.
HE HAS US.
If we'll just decide -- that whatever it is we have to offer -- it might make a difference at the point of the world's deep need.

Today, during church, I looked over my shoulder and saw my man-son standing there singing.
     I'm pressed but not crushed
     Persecuted not abandoned
    Struck down but not destroyed 
    I'm blessed  beyond the curse for his promise will endure,
   And His joy's gonna be my strength.

And all of a sudden I knew -- God never forgets.
He just always knows best.

I hope if you've been tempted to think you and your situation have been forgotten this week -- you'll remember that it's just not possible.  You matter.  Your life and the way you're living make a difference.

Still more than grateful,
Suze

A record (of sorts)!

Well, I am half-way thru my 6th day in a row of FEELING GREAT!
This, my friends is definately a milestone.
One that I knew would come -- but am still so grateful to welcome!!

Last Monday we went for a check-up with the surgeon and found out that I have Gastric Dumping Syndrome (great name, right!!).  Kind of not a surprise because of the part of my stomach that was removed.  We were so grateful to find out that there is something we can attribute the sudden "crashes" to and so far the treatment (which is basically dietary and separating liquids from solids) has been really helpful.  Wow!  It's hard to describe what a relief it has been to have almost a week free of those seemingly random episodes that would lay me low and really make it difficult to get up and face my day!
Really, really grateful for this insight (which is what, I'm convinced, has lead to these 6 good days!!).

I also got to speak at my first "post-Whipple" retreat last week.
As soon as we found out about the tumor and the surgery this Summer, I started canceling everything I had said "yes" to for the Fall.  It was difficult, because I really enjoy prepping for and then spending a day or 2 sharing with folks who are thoughtfully and sometimes desperately in need of respite.
But for some reason, this retreat stayed in the "I'm going" column and let me tell you, what a huge gift to get to participate.  I don't know if they got anything from one word I said (I'm trusting God on that one!) but I sure received a lot from them. 

And now, as I'm looking back at my week I am once again undone by all that has taken place in my body (literally) and life over the past 5 1/2 months.  This morning the first thought I had was DELIGHT and I knew without even really having to think about it much, that this came from such a deep place of gratitude.  Not just for the lack of Cancer -- although I am so grateful to not be fighting that battle right now -- but for the MANY ways I see broken things in me being restored. 

Things like...
Relying on ME to get thru the day.  My energy, my stamina, my passion, my ideas, ME, MY, MINE.  Such a fractured way of living.  The truth is, eventually I'm going to let me down.  And so it's been such a gift to learn to rely on the One who is THE only source for everything that's good and perfect.
Trying to do it on our own (see above :)) -- all of it.  There are not words to tell you what it means to come to the realization that the life I had been trying to live and manage on my own was not working.  This is so clearly a season of Community for our family.  We are experiencing the joy that comes from allowing others in, asking for help and then receiving it, and learning how to trust in ways we never have before.
Having contempt for my seemingly unreliable health.  This is a biggie that has been not just broken, but shattered and I have carried it around for years this way.  Like so many shards of glass that I swallowed, I have long believed that my propensity for "getting sick" was something to be ashamed of.  Of course, always grateful that I have survived all these years -- and yet, at the same time somehow, embarrassed to be "that" person.  And now?  I'm learning that this is my story (and I'm sticking to it!) and it is mine for a reason.  There is a reason (or maybe 20) that every decade since I was 15, God and I stand hand in hand on the edge of a cliff called "Suze's survival". 
Sometimes things can be broken so long you forget their fractured. 
That's just not going to be true about this -- anymore.
The pieces are moving back into place and I'm learning to call my health,
     my biology,
        my genetic map...
                                     BEAUTIFUL!!
Yep, it's been a great week.
I hope yours was true.
Even if you were, like I have been recently, coming face to face with some places where you've been limping a bit, because something might be a little "off" inside.

Still, so much more than grateful!
Suze

Check-ups.

Tomorrow morning Kelly and I head to Dr Y's office for a check-up.
As I think about the things I want to ask him (what's the deal with my weight?, how come I can't really rely my "innards" yet?, when will I know "normal" has arrived?)
I'm curious as to what he's looking for?
I mean at this point, there's nothing really visually different than when we first met (other than the lack of a tumor and that big scar!!).  What questions will he ask that will let him know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be at this point in my recovery OR something is seriously "off"?
I guess it makes sense that I can't figure out what he will ask me -- that's what makes him the specialist and me...
                                                    well, just the patient.
He's done this a few times, he knows what he's doing -- that's why I trusted him from the very first moment I met him and for all those hours he would spend working inside my body - literally!
When you think about it -- it's an odd relationship really. 
This Doctor/Patient thing. 
In kind of a goofy way -- it's almost like loving someone else.
When we decide we're going to love another -- we have to decide we're going to give it all away.
All of it -- expectations, power, control, and ultimately...
                                                                                               having to have our own way.
And at the very same time we're handing over these treasures, we're deciding that what we do bring to the relationship is belief and trust. 
I believe you have my best in mind.
I trust you to take all that I just handed you and honor me with it.
That is LOVE.
No matter what the relationship is - husband, wife, friend, parent, child, teacher, student, boss, employee, and yep, even doctor or patient -- without LOVE it's just not going to work.

Wherever you are on the faith thing -- without LOVE, you're not going to get far.
For me, the thing that often gets in the way between me and God is that I'm not willing to hand him all the things I have to let go of to really fall in LOVE.
Uugh.  Sometimes that really bugs me about me.
But, physical check-ups aren't the only ones that are good for us!
Being reminded that there is a LOVE that is perfect (not mine for sure) and it has been offered to me -- over and over and over again -- is helpful and makes me glad that I'm not done with this living thing!

And so, tomorrow is more than just a check-up, it becomes another chance to practice LOVE.

Hope you get a chance to practice too!!
Loved,
Suze

Humiliation.

Lots of people have asked me recently what I've been learning thru this "adventure".

Hmmm...

       so much I could say in response to that.

First, but not nearly as important as some of the others...

I'm learning no-one, ever, should take their internal plumbing for granted!! :)

OK, seriously, here's a short list...

I'm learning (important note here -- it's STILL happening) that my strength is not what will get me thru the day.

I'm learning that the vows Kelly and I took nearly 25 years ago, and have worked on every day since, are truly the foundation our entire family stands on.

I'm learning the value of lots of "ings": allowing, inviting, asking, receiving, resting, hoping, trusting, and giving...it back.

I'm learning about LOVE in ways I would never have anticipated in all the years I've been wrestling with my health and following Jesus.

I'm learning what it means to be really grateful and the things and places and feelings that true gratitude opens up inside of me and others.

But mostly, I'm learning about the role of humiliation as we suffer.

Nope, not humility (although I think that's a really important part of one's character)but rather humiliation: 

       Humiliation (also called stultification) is the abasement of pride, which creates  

               mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission.    

                                                                                                                          websters.com

Not something we would normally embrace and actually, maybe not part of everyone's journey thru suffering or struggle.  But, it's been a HUGE part of mine.  I have, for so long, leaned heavily into myself.  My strength, my energy, my ability to get "it" done (whatever "it" was).  I would rarely, if ever, let anyone see me in what I would call a weak state.  Honest? Always. Vulnerable? Yes, if I was choosing the what, when, and how.  But humiliated?  Never - if I had anything to say about it.  But that's the beauty of being weak and coming back to yourself, you often don't have a say about it.  

And here's something even more glorious: every time I have to lay on my office floor, leave a meeting to race to the bathroom, start weeping in front of strangers, cancel a dinner with friends, or tell the kids "I'm not going to be able to do that"...I have an opportunity to set my pride aside and submit to God, who rescued me all those years ago and is still rescuing me today!

In one of my favorite chapters in one of my favorite books in the Bible, the prophet Isaiah says this about God's son...

   He was despised and rejected by mankind,
   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
   Like one from whom people hide their faces
   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.   

But here's the best part...

 

   Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering...
   the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed. 

So yeah, I've been humiliated some...

But not like when you forget your lines in a play or mess up a project and get caught covering it up.

No, this has been a beautifully, glorious gift that is teaching me more about myself and God Himself.

I would never want you to go thru the shame-filled, embarrassing, "get me out of here" kind of humiliation...but if you have an opportunity to step into a place where, thru your lack, you are drawn closer to the One whose own humiliation brings healing --

embrace it, let it happen, fall deeply into it...

you never know, you might end up being just a little bit more like Him on the other side of it.

Still grateful,

Suze

Cup of cold water.

So, it's been awhile since I posted.
Obviously...  I'VE GONE BACK TO WORK!! :)
The days of me sitting in my chair recovering are behind me now -- which is both amazing and overwhelming to me.

Last week was the 3 month mark of the surgery date and my BEST WEEK YET!
What a blessing to have more energy, the ability to last longer than 4 or 5 hours at the office, and to get back to exercising.
Sometimes I still "crash", but these days, the rebound is an hour or so instead of the rest of the day.  Yahoo!!
I've been calling this return to "normal" a journey and I continue to be grateful to be wherever I might be today on that road.

Last week also held the opportunity for me to have 3 different conversations with folks who have either had the Whipple or have been told they need to have this surgery.  Each time, I was undone by the Grace I have been shown -- to be where I am in my recovery so that I can now be the one supporting and encouraging.  That's what survival is all about right?  It's not just about getting thru, but rather it provides us the chance to gather up all the moments...
    
      moments of fear &
      moments of wonder,
      moments of not being able to see the forest for the trees &
      those brief moments of deep and glorious clarity,
      and there are those moments we know exactly what's happening next &
      hundreds of moments when all we know is that we hope we make it to tomorrow.

and then, while holding them close to our hearts, we make these moments available to others in our open hands.

I wonder what you've survived?  What kind of moments full of pain, grief, loss, or inconvenient reality have you slogged your way thru and now, because of your journey, you have something completely different to offer those around you?  Are you offering?  Or are you just glad you made it?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to be grateful...
     but one of the things gratitude can do for us
     is allow us the chance to pick someone else.

And every time we decide that our "making it" was never supposed to be just about us, the most glorious part of our survival breaks thru.
Just like a cold cup of water on the hottest of days.

If your'e reading this -- you've been sharing the journey with us these past 3 months and we are so grateful!  Thanks -- for the prayers and the support, and...
the hundreds of cups of cold water!

Blessings,
Suze