Benchmarks.

In the past, when I've been trying to accomplish something -- there have been significant markers that I would know meant I had achieved something that would push me closer to my goal. 
When I was chosing a college -- it was the visit, filling out the application, taking the SAT, making the deposit and showing up that first scarey day.
When I was thinking I maybe, possibly, just might be falling in love with Kelly it was the way my heart felt, how he looked at me, all the time we spent together, and finally just knowing that I knew.
When I have tried to get in shape over the years (oh yes, there have been plenty of tries), it's been about stamina, weight loss, the lungs no longer burning after running 1/2 a mile, no more stitch in the side, and finally...well, mostly just settling for a mile or so!
But this, this goal of recovery seems a little more elusive.  The benchmarks I would usually use aren't working and I'm learning that I have really, very little control over how quickly or slowly this is going to go.  This is not a way of thinking or living that I, or really many people that I know, are used to. 
I find myself asking, "is this about entitlement?".  Do I think I'm owed my health, my ability to keep up, the capacity to work a full day -- making a significant contribution?  I honestly don't know -- I'm thinking about it (trust me, lots of think time) and it makes me curious about the things I have taken for granted, even though I have struggled with my health most of my life.

On Tuesday, a friend from Church, who was also my "surprise" ICU nurse the very first night out of surgery was supposed to come over for a visit.  Tuesday was not a good day.  She didn't come over, but called me instead.  After a brief conversation, she asked if she could pray for me and she said this in her prayer, "and God thank you that Suze has the time and the place to recover in peace and safety".  I have thought about that statement over and over.  What a privileged it is to recover in this way -- in my own home, safe, warm, sheltered, fed, loved.  I'm grateful for so much -- but it will be this awareness of ALL  I have been given in this season, an awareness that God Himself is stirring up in me, that will be the place that gratitude grows from.  I'm talking about the kind of gratitude that changes you -- makes you want to be a part of fixing something that's broken.

I wonder what priviledge is yours that you're just not seeing right now?
Maybe if you can see it, maybe if I can see it, it will be the path that leads us to something more amazing than we could ever imagine, that has nothing to do with anything we think we're entitled to.

Maybe that's the kind of benchmark we should be striving for.
Maybe...
Suze